Feeling under-appreciated

Anonymous post for member

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I just cared for a client's child for an entire weekend since Friday 8am to Sunday evening...bath times routines, snacks, breakfasts, lunches, dinners, nap times routines, potty training, bedtime stories, getting the child dressed for their parent's wedding, caring for this child for the entire wedding day till 11:30 pm! and than the next day...you name it, I did. I offered this because firstly, I love this child like my own. I did this for free! I never even "expected" anything in return at all. But that all seemed to change when this child's parent's made it a point to mention every person under the moon during their public speech of "thank you's" including those they "paid" services for! i.e.; photographer, limo provider, caterer, dj, florist, family members, cousins, etc...every one under the sun except the one person who is loving and nurturing their most precious person in their lives! Ok...so I didn't make it on the list, so be it and forget it. So I did. But than the mother Sunday goes on and on about the generous gifts of thanks she got everyone! And I mean everyone including people she "paid" already money for their services! Let's just say I feel so incredibly hurt and unappreciated. Did she say "thank you"...yes, but when you're going to brag about how you went over and above to thank others...well that just hurts! Recently it was my birthday (and knowing I was going to care for her child for an entire weekend for free..I didn't even get a "happy birthday"...nothing)
I once cared for her child again for free on a weekend to allow her to go to a party and again...I see her generously showering others with appreciation gifts and nothing for me. I even spent $60 on gifts for her child so that they wouldn't feel left out during the gift opening. Did I do it for the child? Yes. And my love for this child. Would I offer again if I could do it over? Yes, without a doubt because I knew no one would care for this child during this wedding but rather just let this little one eat whatever, whenever and skip naps, etc..
I guess I'm just wanting to vent and get it out of my system. No one would understand truly how I feel unless you work in this career. I'm just tired of my clients taking me for granted when I go over and above on a daily basis, nurturing, educating, potty training, ...being their daytime mommy with all my heart <3 to not be acknowledged even on my birthday by 4 out of 5 clients. I don't even get added to the birthday list invite when their child has a birthday with their family but yet the other client's parents all do. I think I just feel so emotionally drained after 10 yrs of giving and getting nothing in return except for a pay check at the end of the month. They treat their mailman with more appreciation than the person who loves and nurtures their child!

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So sorry that this has seemingly effected you so hard. Sounds like you are feeling pretty rejected. Being under-appreciated is a common posting on this site in our field. I do have to say, and I imagine that many members will agree, you really have to set some boundaries in order to prevent yourself from allowing people to treat you this way. Doing this for the weekend for free is not a business savvy move, and you clearly aren't doing it as a friend given that this family is one of your clients and she obviously doesn't hold you in high regard. If this has happened once before, then what possessed you to walk into this kind of situation again? First time is on them, but second time, honestly you should have known better. Why are you providing free care? I just don't understand your incentive. Spending $60 on gifts for the child was not requested nor required. That child would have learnt a hard but more important lesson by not receiving anything. All that happens is that this child has a reinforced belief system that the only way they can be happy is to have presents given to him, and that is a damaging way to teach a child what it is to be cared for.

I think showing gratitude should be a natural and automatic thing to do without a great deal of thought needed, because it should be automatic. Unfortunately, there are many people who are just so self centred that they don't. There is nothing you can do about it and it is simply a reflection of the type of character they are, and I quite frankly wouldn't want anything to do with a person like that.

I understand your hurt, I really do, but if you were providing them with a service, gratitude isn't warranted, payment is. Sounds like salt was rubbed in the wound hearing the couple thank everyone else in the room and within a 2 block radius no doubt, completely forgetting about you. That's a low move. I wonder however, had you been paid for this, and set clear boundaries on what your role was so as to detach emotionally, would it have hurt so much? I don't think as much because then you would have set clear expectations in your mind that you were there carrying out your job that you were being paid for in the best interest of the child, not them. Sounds like this little one is very lucky to have you in their life, but only you can prevent this kind of thing from happening again. Regardless of the what or why, just say NO!

I did a lot of outside work for a family for the last 4 years. I even went to a wedding on a Friday with them which required a day off. I helped them bathe and get ready beforehand and fed them while parents got themselves ready. I took care of them throughout the ceremony and then drove them back home to bed and stayed overnight so the parents could stay out late.

They compensated me for the lost income for the Friday for starters. Additionally they paid me $10 an hour from the moment I showed up at their house until I left the following day including the overnight hours. They paid for my gas and my food and altogether treated the transaction professionally. I was a Nanny for the weekend and they paid me as such. I dressed plain but smart clothes at the wedding and I didn't mingle. I wasn't rude but I tried to stay in the background as I was there for the kids and paid no attention to anything that was said as I wasn't a guest, I was working. They are my client, and also friend, but this was a business agreement, not a favour and they paid me what I asked. I got a thank you at the end of the evening along with payment and that is all I required. No grand gesture necessary.

I feel your frustration, it sucks not to be appreciated even though you went over and beyond for this family. After being treated that way I hope you do not consider doing this family any favors moving forward.

Which brings me to my next point. Why are you doing these people favors? Why would you do any client a favor like this? You need to get paid for this kind of stuff. Take it from a former pushover....you teach people how to treat you. If you want respect and appreciation, you have to ask/demand it. In this case, in the form of payment. There are a LOT of people out there who do not show appreciation for those who do them favors so it's up to you to either a) ask for fair compensation or b)don't do these people favors. Your actions taught these people that you are a pushover and will do anything and everything for free. Why would they have to show you respect?

And don't do this for the child either. Sorry to sound harsh, but he/she is not your responsibility, is not your child and it really is none of your business how they care for their child during special events.

You are wasting your time. Stop doing people favors. The only person you should look out for is yourself. If you truly enjoy taking care of kids even on weekends or evenings then that is great- but you have to make sure your "cup" is full too. Sounds like you have been running on empty. Ask for payment moving forward.

Sorry if I am coming off a little "passionate" in my post. This is a sore spot for me as I have friends who are constantly asking for favors as of late, to the point where I have to do some boundary setting of my own soon.

I think because you get attached to child and see yourself as substitute mommy, you blurred your boundaries. Just because you feel this child part of your family, does not mean family feels same way about you.

This is why you are hurt.

Two time now you provided free care and this family likely feel entitled after first time. Don't do this. Keep relations with client professional and not blur lines into friendship. It will often be one sided friendship in sense they think you do them favor like before but if shoe on other foot, not so much.

If you working, expect payment and state clearly up front.

There one little girl here who sometime stay overnight. So from daycare opening one business day until day care closing next business day. It is $150 extra for the out hours service. My time is worth something. Work long hours and even if child is sleeping at night, I still responsible for her and it still impacting on my personal time.

If your client was expected to work all night as well as regular shifts, you can bet they not do it for free - ever.

First a big Hug for you
we go into this field because we love children and then we find that there are some parents who we have a hard time LIKING but the 2 go hand in hand
We can't give our all to the children -we have to keep some love for ourselves
it is up to us to CARE FOR THE CARE-GIVER
no one else will do it for us , we have to do something for ourselves everyday

for me right now I have a new child starting and she is crying and screaming while here
I like to go on a walk to de-stress myself and look at everything and I come back refreshed
I also have to remind myself why I do this job and it is to pay the bills not to be best friends with any of my Clients, and they are just paying Clients - if they did not pay I would not have them in my home
I have also stopped going to the Birthday Parties even when asked because after 12 years I like my time to do my own favourite things in my own time
for our own Birthdays we are usually not the type to print on the notice board -it is my Birthday next week but maybe we should and see what happens - see if we get a free coffee or something, this year one of the parents told me her birthday was the same day as mine I was so surprised that I did tell her it was mine too and she brought in a flower in a pot while I had the child make a card for her so some times it is worth shouting it out to the world( but the others did not know so nothing from them )
no more free stuff for the parents -now they will take notice of your change in attitude and not take you for granted , it is a business after all just to pay your bills
Today and everyday, take the time to do something for YOURSELF