Mother's guilt ahead of a big life change
As many of you will already know, I am headed to University to do my degree this coming September. I've done this job for just shy of 10 years and going to school has been a long time coming.
My own kids are 12 1/2 and 14 and are very supportive of this change and also understand that we will all have to make some lifestyle changes in terms of how we spend money.
Well, my daughters grade 8 graduation was on Friday and wow what an amazing experience given that this doesn't happen in the UK. However, when my daughter didn't get honours, my eyes started to fill up and emotions start to boil. It's not that she is somehow not good enough because she didn't get honours, but it did highlight the fact that I could not pay for her to get extra help at any time that she may need it through school. She had asked a few months ago to go back to Oxford Learning. She has an average of about 76 and she wanted to get some extra help so she could get better grades. That was not a seed I planted, but she obviously aspired to be on the honour role and had set herself a goal and realized that in some areas she needed to get some help.
I'm feeling very guilty that I didn't sign her up as a result of saving for a final trip overseas that we booked over a year ago to see family prior to me losing my income, and also paying everything off so we can live on one income. She'll survive and she didn't shed a tear at least to my knowledge about not getting that 80. I have made sure to reinforce to her that it's a number and she really should just try her best and that is good enough. In reality that is fine in elementary school, in high school and applying to college and university it absolutely is not should she decide to apply for a competitive program. I hate the thought that by putting myself first in my new venture that it could come at a hefty cost to my kids. There is no spare money to pay for extra help for her should she need it and I can not work extra hours in a part time job because it will cost me my grades which are also important to keep up so I don't have to pay for grad school.
I have never put myself first, it is a foreign concept. I have always self sacrificed for my family and others. I don't want to quit school and continue working to pay for the tutor because it sends the wrong message to my kids about quitting regardless of how worthy the cause is. My husband already works 55 hours a week and that is already a struggle for him to get those hours and the more he is away from home, the less time I will have to study because I'll continue to essentially be the sole caregiver for my kids.
I'm going to enquire at Oxford Learning today and just see how much it costs for a couple of sessions a week, but I don't want to over commit and have to pull her out. I worry all the time that I am sending the wrong messages to my kids and setting a bad example. I know I am trying my best and making the best of a succession of bad choices, but it doesn't rid the guilt. I can not risk getting depressed while I'm a student because I'm not able to give my kids what they need. It's not a case of want versus need, education is important and I want to help my kids get ahead as much as possible. Fortunately my son has an IEP and gets extra help through the board, but my daughter does not.
I guess I'm just having a moan and groan, but last night I hid in my basement for 25 minutes with the washer on to drown out my sobbing. I feel tremendous amounts of guilt and honestly feel like juggling parenting with being a student and barely making ends meet is a really stupid decision now. I know we will manage, but at what expense. My husband is working lots to be able to support us and when he is home, he isn't able to help the kids with anything at all, unless its some kind of mechanical building project for science. He has significant educational special needs and can hardly read as it is. I imagine he has a processing style similar to my son, although they do not seem to be able to work together with it because even the kids recognize that dad knows less than them. It's worse than being a single parent in some ways having someone there but not being able to rely on them to share the responsibilities.
I am a problem solver, but I am also seeing very clearly that doing a university degree is a huge feat and not something to be taken lightly on top of being moms taxi, housekeeper, homework helper, part time worker and wife. I know some of this angst is nerves, but when its a big thing like not being able to help my kids get better grades, it's killing me inside to not be able to give them what they need and not have any means to change that. All as a result of my choosing to give up a perfectly good job to persue my dreams. I feel selfish when doing something to make me happy will result in these issues and no doubt more.
:unsure::crying:
