Tiny person ... BIG ANGER !

Okay so I need your help and advice ladies,

I have a little boy with me now for 3 full months he's now 19 months old. When he first started he had huge issues with hitting. He would hit for any reason to try to make other kids laugh, to play to express anger , he would slap himself to make other kids laugh and slap himself repeatedly in the face when he himself was mad or angry at something. It was omnipresent in his daily life . His parent said that he seemed to have learned this behavior form the old daycare provider's child. Anyways ...with lots of work it has gotten better. He's not slapping himself as much when he's unhappy, he doesn't slap others as a game or any other way expect for when he's very angry but it happens way less.


But what I'm seeing now is so much ANGER... I've never seen a child this young express anger in such a way. He gets so mad if someone plays with a toy he wants or take a toy away form him, if a child goes near his mom, if he falls sometimes... He has these anger fits that are just plain scary. He will cringe his teeth, close his fist and his entire body shakes, he screeches his head off and will either kick or slap. Sometimes I worry he'll throw himself too hard on the floor and hurt his head. I my opinion it's been going on to long and I don't know what to do to help him anymore. I've not been giving in to his fits, I let him calm down and remove toy or himself if it poses a danger for the other kids or himself, I speak to him calmly and tell him he's frustrated but needs to calm down to ask, sometimes I will hold his hand and say No hitting, we play games that keep us learn how to take turns and wait, ask nicely or find another toy.... I'm just not seeing the progress I think I should be. Of course he has better days than others and I do let the parents know about it as well. They say he's getting better at home but when I see the mom pick up he hits her almost right away and I don't see much intervention. So I don't know what to think I don't know what to do but I'm just afraid as he's going to get older he's going to get stronger and actually really hurt himself or someone.

Anybody been trough this with a child and how did you get results ?

I had a boy in my care that was very aggressive. He spent a lot of time in timeout! Multiple times a day. You sound like you are doing everything right but not getting the reinforcement at home. I put my trouble child in timeout in front of mom once. It was a shock to both of them. She then would threaten him that I would put him in timeout if he misbehaved at pickup. He was exhausting and they have since moved on to a daycare centre. My days are much better now.

I had a 15 month dcg start with me several years ago with similar issues. While it did get slightly better with lots of work, she still remains quick to anger and prone to violent, extended tantrums --- even though she is almost 4! I often wish I had listened to my gut way back when and terminated her. Although she can be sweet, she is exhausting and often puts a damper on our day.

Well that's not encouraging ! haha I really hope we get passed this phase soon or at least for a 80% progress. But gosh some days ...like today...it's absolutely horrible. I really don't want to have to term to ensure the safety of others of course that's what I'll do if I have too.

But how can a young child be sooooooooo profoundly angry ?

I had the experience with my son and a couple of other kids I've had in care with violence and anger. In each instance, years afterward, it has turned out they have some degree of LD or Giftedness or like my son a combination of both. I can only speak to what my son's child psychologist has spoken of when doing his psych ed evaluations, but it is typical, in her experience of under stimulated kids, for them to present as angry children out of frustration. It's not for lack of options or activities available to the kid, and it sure isn't a simple case of boredom, but it is simply that the way their brains tick is not satisfied by the standardized activities and way of learning/play. It's not to say that is what is going on, and quite often there is no way to know until years passed, and also in the same breath doesn't honestly help deal with it beyond a possible explanation for this type of behavior.

My son sat on time out for the better part of a year lol. I had to put him on time out at arms length otherwise he would bite me, headbutt me and try to lick a strip off me wherever he could. He was two and I can honestly say I was extremely worried that I had a devil child. When he went to JK he was 3, Xmas baby, and it was the best thing that could have ever happened and he was a changed child. Behavioral issues only ever came up in the future as a result of inconsistency at school which we learnt very quickly. He has a none behavioral LD and is also gifted so withdraws and becomes very negative if he is not stimulated in an appropriate way.

Kids I have had in my care have improved once parents have gotten on board to discipline consistently and not give up because they feel like they are fighting a losing battle. I get it, but otherwise what is the point. Additionally, it is important to know when outside help is needed. Many parents think these things will blow over, and lots of times that is right, but it can't hurt to be in touch with someone who can offer support and resources who specializes in this kind of thing. It can hurt though to brush it off as a phase and then let it manifest into much more. A fine line between one or the other I know.

I would have a blunt but kind conversation with the parents about collaborating equally to help dcb get through this. Ask them what their expectations are of you, and in return tell them what your expectations are of them. Set a two to four week date to go over how things have been going and honestly, if there isn't the slightest bit of improvement, then terminate. It will likely get worse in my opinion. If you are serious about working through this, I would not make these arrangements at the door. I would ask them to arrange a sitter and come over for an hour one evening. Be specific, offer them a written account of long term daily observations, not your opinion, to show them the severity of his actions and the frequency. This might be enough for it to hit home that this is a big problem. I understand a lot of providers aren't willing to take these steps or don't have time. I would also say that if this is the case, terminate immediately. These children are a lot of work and need to be dealt with properly. You can't afford the ramifications of a verbal conversation here and there with distractions of said child and your other daycare kids. Make a commitment that is equally matched with the parents or walk away. Usually it isn't the first person who brings problems up that the parents hear, but it is important that it is managed in a collaboratively way otherwise you and the rest of the daycare kids will be the ones dealing with the consequences on a daily basis. You can only do so much and it sounds like the are of need is at home for the most part. If they aren't willing to get on the same page as you, that is their prerogative but then they aren't the ones with him an average of 10 hours a day I assume and dealing with his disruptive behavior in the group.

Just my rather large two cents. Good Luck!

Interesting information Bright Sparks. I sure hope it IS a phase and not a deeper issue . Not sure I would be willing to take on everything else that goes with it for so long. If I did not have young kids myself maybe but I don't just punch out at 5h00pm so...that's a factor. I'll have to wait it out and see. For sure however I need to chat with the parents more and find out what really happens at home regarding his temper because so far what I see differs from what I hear from the parents.