Question more as a mom not caregiver

Hi all,

So this question is more related to raising our own children not our daycare.

My daughter is turning 4 in a few weeks. She has a late birthday so won't be in school until fall. We have her in a few preschools but she is notably older than the other kids in her groups. She doesn't care she loves going. I suspect she more plays on her own versus group play as the other kids are mainly under or just 3.

We had a short (50min) playdate today with the DCG I took care of for over 2 yrs, she is 4 months older than my daughter so started school last Fall. My husband reminds me that I knew the 2 yrs ago, the child is a B!t@H. Like a high school mean girl.

Is this normal for kids in school? She was not here long but I found I had to call her out on a it a few times and my daughter was starting to copy the behaviors and each time I would reprimand my daughter and flat out let her know it is not acceptable to talk to other people that way. The 4 yr old caught on. She had come happy to be here and left silent. She was getting the message I was not impressed.

Now I admit that I GREATLY limit my daughters tv exposure and I already limit/avoid playdates with our good friends children because their behavior bugs me. But this leaves me wondering. Do we just keep crossing these kids off our playdate list. Or do I have to suck it up and realize come September this is going to be the norm? Are kids this age just rude, snarky and mean? Am i supposed to just be shrugging it off and thinking it's normal?

In our mind if we don't want our child doing it later in life (at 10yrs, 15yrs, as an adult) then we don't allow it now. But man it is a lot of work. I hate feeling like I have to work all the time when we have playdates or friends over with their children. My daughter is quite fine going off and playing for hours on her own. But with other kids around I have to hover as they are just physically hitting and screaming or verbally mean.

I used to work in daycare (granted it was now like 14yrs ago) but I do NOT remember the children being like this. There were always the odd child but this was not the norm. Did I just block all that out and I am fighting a pointless battle here?

Hi. As you've mentioned it is hard. But just stay strong. I'm a mother of a daughter. Now she's past teen years. But, I've experienced something similar. So, it was either to join them or fight it all the way. So, I decided to be strong as my parents have raised me "humble, good morals, respectfull to anyone and thruthful to myself".

I believe, since the jk and sk are larger numbers and long hours it might be that the poor children aren't guided properly on how to behave , tv shows also aren't the best role models. We need to guide children towards achieving acceptable social skills (everywhere). As a quote says "correct your child with love and kindness now or the out world will do without it, in the future".

I can see, you had a good solid based upbringing. And I'm very sure you expect same for your daughter. With my experience I can tell you that it took time and patience but after all my daughter learned to choose good friends on her own. It took patience to explain everytime I could, why wasn't allowed to invite or visit certain "friends". And now that she is almost finishing high school, she made really good friends, they are respectful and supportive. Hold on there, you will find someone who shares your parenting skills and a good friend for your daughter. Try to visit library groups, weekend playgroups or some other activities you will see that there are people that shares your thoughts.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Peacefulbird

Hi. As you've mentioned it is hard. But just stay strong. I'm a mother of a daughter. Now she's past teen years. But, I've experienced something similar. So, it was either to join them or fight it all the way. So, I decided to be strong as my parents have raised me "humble, good morals, respectfull to anyone and thruthful to myself".

I believe, since the jk and sk are larger numbers and long hours it might be that the poor children aren't guided properly on how to behave , tv shows also aren't the best role models. We need to guide children towards achieving acceptable social skills (everywhere). As a quote says "correct your child with love and kindness now or the out world will do without it, in the future".

I can see, you had a good solid based upbringing. And I'm very sure you expect same for your daughter. With my experience I can tell you that it took time and patience but after all my daughter learned to choose good friends on her own. It took patience to explain everytime I could, why wasn't allowed to invite or visit certain "friends". And now that she is almost finishing high school, she made really good friends, they are respectful and supportive. Hold on there, you will find someone who shares your parenting skills and a good friend for your daughter. Try to visit library groups, weekend playgroups or some other activities you will see that there are people that shares your thoughts.

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Thank you! It is hard. It isn't the other child's fault. At 4 you have seen those behaviors somewhere to be using them, you have heard those words to be saying them, and you are using them without adults intervening. It is so disheartening to see such behaviors so young. I know I can't shelter my daughter from everything but I feel like the longer I shelter her the older she is, and the better understanding she will have when we have to explain why things are not acceptable.

I grew up with a very select number of friends, not because I couldn't make friends but because often I felt no need to keep them. As an adult it is even harder to find friends of similar mind. Friends we've had for years and decades are still our friends but we are finding parenting styles are quite different. Which is an awkward thing to navigate at times.

You're right, it is hard to make friends when adults. But, I've learned through experience and a lot reading, that basically you have made your own life, choices and friends as your personality is. Now, it is time to focus on your child and nurture her. Role model, share your ideas, and eventually she will find her own friends; and you just nurture those.

I have also learned that I had to respect my daughters choices, and it was hard. But, if you have real good friends they will respect your choices. For example: a very close friend of mine has a son almost same age as my daughter, he was agresive and my friend wouldn't guide him properly (because she tried to have children for ten years); so, I decided to not end my friendship because of this issue, I decided to avoid bringing my daughter to her house or we will go for a cup of tee etc. When she asked I had to tell her that my daughter doesn't enjoy being in her house and I do, so as parent I had to respect that. She did not get offended. But also over years I found out that her son is not doing well he has behavioral issues and has been changed from school to school. I felt so glad that I did not push my daughter to become friends with the boy.

I had to sit and realize: one allowing her to make friends with this boy will be me, as a mother nurturing on her that it is ok to be mistreated, hit, and disrespected. To teach my daughter that we can be apart and avoid situations from it would be the most councious lesson we can learn and it will grow into her. So, I acted upon it. I still have my friend and we support each other as we can and my daughter respects my friends as I do hers (I absolutely like her circle of friends).

I also know that our adult dreams are that our children become close friends with our friend's children and grow strongly rooted friendships but, we have to realize we are raisin children for the "world" and some day they will have to make choices on their own without us.

My kids r older but my parenting style was always different than other parents. I would often be surprised/shocked by kids' behavior that came in the door from school friends and some neighbours. Kids were crass and called the shots with their parents. On pick-up after a playdate, if the child screamed (age 5 or 6) that they didn't want to go home yet, their parents would actually come back later to keep child from screaming. A lot of the kids we didn't invite back. But they often have to work together on school projects, which is another problem, as they often don't do their part. Or go to birthday parties where kids try out foul language! Then off to teen parties. Even at a young age my kids realized the poor behavior and wouldn't ask to play again. Eventually they did find their own small group of good friends. I know a few of these older kids still and although they are actually much nicer now, they suffer from depression and some r on anti depressants.
I stayed strong with my kids and we talked about a lot (still do). I always questioned if I was keeping my kids from the real world. But I see now they're well adjusted people and have found their place with a few similar friends, and still being able to function with everyone in general.

Thanks ladies. It is so nice to hear that others have been here and have come out the other end with promising results. We recognize we won't be able to control her choice in friends in the years to come but we do hope that we can have an impact by setting the tone now and by having frank discussions.

Raising kids is hard. Our daughter is not always happy with us but we recognize that no person is every happy 100% of the time and letting her run the show to be happy all the time is not preparation for life. She knows she is loved and she is a happy child. It is so hard to follow up on playdates with our friends and having to explain to our 3 yr olds that some people allow their kids to scream in their faces, to get what they want by throwing fits and by speaking rudely but that it isn't acceptable behaviors and we will not allow it. It is awkward knowing that next time she sees our friends she might be a 3yr old and tell them "mommy says it is not acceptable to let your kid scream in your face" but we can't not get that message through in hopes of avoiding awkward situations.