Help! Behavioural Issues with siblings

I apologize for the long post, but I need advice! I should also start by clarifying that my daycare is in my living space (not a separate part of the house), which is the main floor of my townhouse; also, I only opened my in-home daycare last summer, so my experience is limited.

I have been looking after 3 siblings since September – they are 20 months, 6 (boy), and 9 (girl). I have my own 20 month old and an eight year old (boy). I have the older ones only before/after school – an hour in the morning & 2 hours after. I have had all kinds of behavioural issues with the two older ones from the start. The 6 year old would regularly touch his older sister inappropriately, himself, and sometimes my son as well (he would grab at them during play). I made it clear to him that it was not allowed, & discussed it multiple times with his parents; it has since stopped. However, he will still make various comments about private parts, as will the others (his sister & my son). They will also say swear words or words very close to swear words because they think it’s funny. I remind them on a daily basis to not be using inappropriate language, but it does not seem to make a difference. There is also running in the house, throwing things at each other, shrieking (when fighting or when playing), roughhousing, and jumping onto the couch or throwing couch cushions; I feel like I am reminding them about rules every single day, if not multiple times per day. They often do not listen when I am trying to discipline, refuse to clean up, and generally do not show much concern or respect for me or the daycare.

The other part of it is the brother & older sister also fight constantly; they tell on each other all the time, snatch toys from each other, are consistently verbally rude/mean to each other, and at times will be physically aggressive with each other (pushing, shoving, hitting, etc.). Almost every day they literally whine and complain and fight about who gets to get into the vehicle first to go to school, who sits in which chair for snack, etc. The older sister will take it a step further and antagonize and manipulate her brother, either to get her way or to hurt him. She enjoys prodding him to annoy him, getting him in trouble, putting him down, and laughing at his mistakes/injuries. I find it extremely concerning at times.

To combat all the misbehaviour I have started to plan activities to keep them busy each day, but a) it is exhausting spending my after-hours planning and prepping crafts, etc. and b) I have found this leaves me no time to plan activities for the toddlers or even spend much time with them – I am literally either doing guided activities or else mediating arguments.

I have brought up almost all of the issues with the parents – especially when there have been physical fights because of the risk to everyone’s safety – and they are very receptive, but there hasn’t been vast improvement in terms of listening & behaving, and honestly I would have to talk to them every single day at pick up in order to address all of the behavioural problems – it’s too much.

So I guess my question is….Am I doing something wrong? I am constantly frustrated and exhausted, and wondering if I am just not cut out for in-home daycare. Is this normal behaviour for siblings? I can’t compare to my own kids (because of the age gap), and I don’t think my siblings and I were ever this mean to each other, but maybe I just can’t remember it. Should I be doing something differently? I try to make it fun with activities, crafts, etc., but they seem to generally hate it at daycare, and I seem to spend most of my time telling them to stop doing things (like running in the house, yelling, fighting) so we can’t even get to the activities I’ve planned half the time! I want it to be fun for them, but I don’t want to be so angry and exhausted at the end of every day. I’m wondering if I should terminate their contract, or if I just have unrealistic expectations, or if I am approaching it all the wrong way….

Any advice or suggestions would be helpful! I’m at my wits end :(

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Am I doing something wrong?

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Not necessarily wrong but it seems to be wrong for the mix of personalities you have combined with your lack of experience. i.e. what you are doing now, isn't working for you so changes have got to be made.

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Is this normal behaviour for siblings?

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For some yes. This might sound very judgmental but in my observation, the children who behave this way do so because they have never learned any different. You will likely find that while the parents are hearing what you say, they aren't actually changing anything. If kids are allowed to behave this way at home, they will behave this way elsewhere too.
If you are wholly convinced that this isn't how they are allowed to behave at home, then the issue is they aren't respecting your authority. Simply, there's no consequence other than being told what they are doing isn't okay.

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Should I be doing something differently?

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Yes because what you are doing now, isn't getting their respect, they don't believe there's going to be any consequence.

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I’m wondering if I should terminate their contract, or if I just have unrealistic expectations, or if I am approaching it all the wrong way….

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Ultimately, unless you are prepared to get stern, have some consequences in place, and follow through, then terminating the contract with them might be the best bet for creating a blank slate. It's going to be a lot of work for these personalities to come from negative respect to fully believing that you really will not tolerate this mischief.

You're expectations are not unrealistic but you might have chosen your client's poorly. Boisterous, loud, disruptive children are not going to change the habits of a lifetime.

If I were you, I would place ads and get replacements lined up and terminate this sibling group. Do not tell the sibling group parent's until you have replacements lined up.

I avoid sibling groups unless it's a preschooler who has been here from infant who is being joined by a new sibling. I never take more than 2 in a sibling group because then you risk losing too many spaces if they move/lose their employment, and they do buddy up which can be intimidating to the others in the group who are without a sibling/back up.

Remember that interviews are two-way. You are assessing the suitability of these children being guests in your home on a daily basis. Make sure that the children come to the interview too so you can meet them. During the interview, engage with the children but try and keep a back seat so you can see if they have any boundaries with respectful behavior - do they walk around like they run the place? Do they pull down toys and possessions with no care about damage? But most important, what do the parents/do or say if this happens? If the parent ignores it, then you know that lack of respect is ignored at home too. If the parents try and cajole them into behaving, you know that the kids are running the show and parents making half hearted comments when they think they look bad but have no intent of actually parenting.

These are the family's you do not offer a place to and allow them to go elsewhere.

Next observations - school age children and the younger children rarely are a good combination. While I accept in some provinces the age restrictions mean that before and after school are the go-to in order to fill the spaces, this does mean running two programs as one person.

Little children need more direct interaction and help. School age children require a referee and lots and lots of physical activity to keep them occupied and busy. If the activities are not physical, the school age children get bored and restless and start looking for their own entertainment.

In terms of having to prep on your own time - welcome to child care. That's just how it is. Even with small children, you have to be right next to them every minute of every day so prepping should not be possible during business hours unless you manage to do some at nap time.

I prep activities in the evening too. I cook lunches for the next day in the evening. This is just how this business is.

It would be useful to know what sort of activities do you have lined up to occupy the older children and keep them out of looking for mischief?

When you speak to them about their language, jumping on your couches, running inside, what do they say? What is the consequence of them doing this? What is their response?

I think you need to :-

1. Think very seriously about if you can manage two programs for the different age groups or not.
2. Come up with some policies regarding discipline which is age appropriate and documented.
3. Advertise for replacements for this sibling group before this behavior rubs off on the little ones too.
4. Get rid of the sibling group as soon as you have replacements lined up.
5. Make sure you have lots of physical activity - especially for boys.


And don't be afraid to be firm with children from day one. I never raise my voice but if a child was jumping on my couch I would say "Get.Down.,Now". Firm, clear, concise directions. I would never say "Would you please stop jumping on my couch" because that gives the impression that it's a request. It isn't.

Learn to watch your language in terms of how you phrase things. I don't ask if a child will put on their shoes, I tell them to please go put on your shoes. I state clear instructions but politely with please and thank you to show how respectful communication happens. I will listen to an upset child express their feelings but that won't change the consequence for their action if they are upset because they are in trouble. "I'm sorry you are upset with me for telling you not to hurt your friends. But in this house we don't hurt each other and if you hadn't hurt your friend, you would not have been told to stop. For now, you need to sit away from the group, while you think about how you would feel if someone hurt you."

That sort of explaination is given only after the instruction to cease whatever it is they were doing, and only after they have stopped. Following a direction here is not negotiable.

I rarely have time outs here because my children know when I tell them not to do something, I mean it. You have to be consistent all the time. X action = Y consequence. That way, they know where the boundary is, they know you will always enforce it even if they test to see it's still in existence and they know what their consequence will be if they don't follow an instruction.

You don't always have to punish to discipline. But the children do need to know that you are in charge all the time.

I feel so sorry for your situation. With all my experience I do not I have lasted any long.

Older children are energetic. But, I really have seeing a big difference when children are raised with respect and kindness from the beginning. I saw how siblings love and respect each other. (Parents very much involved in the process of guiding them properly, children had boundaries, really good prosocial skills)

In your case, you're only few hour with them, ( I'm not sure if the short time will allow you to be consistent). Also, don't forget these poor children have been probably sitting the whole day in the school in large and noisy crowds. They come to you with all that energy.

I have care for older children while running my daycare, but even siblings never had encounter a challenge like the one you have in your hands.

I used to bundle the babies really well myself too. And I will wait ready to keep them outside so they run that energy off. I had sleds, shovels, etc all ready. It definitely helped. I had all the necessary in hand for my babies I will bring them in and let them play while I'm watching the old ones playing outdoors. It did my days easier any misbehavior they will come in and stay with the babies. Soon that corrected their misbehavior. They loved being outdoors. All you're doing is great the planning, activities etc. But they do all that at school they're tired and at the end of the day just want to relax of run off energy. It had to be really awful weather to keep them inside.

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I will bring them in and let them play while I'm watching the old ones playing outdoors

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Be really careful with this. If you have babies inside and older children outside, even if you are watching them like a hawk through a window that you never move from, in some provinces, this is unsupervised play. If you aren't within reach of a child, they are unsupervised and that's illegal.

Plus the liability issues if one falls and gets hurt are enormous.

Siblings can be difficult, especially school age ones. I stopped doing before and after care, as I found I was constantly dealing with behaviour issues. It was too difficult to deal with their behaviour and try to supervise the infants and toddlers.
I’m not sure if you do outdoor time after school, but that’s what we did. The kids got picked up from school, we came home and had snack as a group, and then straight outside until closing time.
It sounds like they need really strong boundaries set by you. Try setting firm limits for a month, and if no improvement then get rid of them. My guess is this behaviour is acceptable at home, so why wouldn’t they do it elsewhere? You might be fighting a losing battle if the parents aren’t on the same page as far as limits and behaviour goes.