Getting attached to Daycare Kids

I get attached. For some, it takes longer than others. I have one little guy in my care that I adore. He was the 1st child in my daycare. I often reflect back on how little he seemed when he started here and how well he's grown, how well he talks. I get extremely excited about all his accomplishments. I miss him when he is away for a while. Even my husband adores him. I think it has a lot to do with how well he took to us and how much he looks up to us. He reminds us so much of our own children and easily blends in to our family. He is a very easy child to care for.
On the flipside, I have a little girl that had trouble adjusting to being here. While she looks to me for comfort, she is very jealous of any affection I show to others. She doesn't do well with the daycare routine and has a hard time adjusting to new children coming in. She takes a lot of energy! lol. It took a really long time for me to feel any attachment to her, but it is there. I'd be sad if she left, despite all the energy she consumes. When she feels comfortable and secure, she is a very funny and happy little girl. She does a lot of cute things that remind me of me when I was little. Maybe that is why I have the attachment now. It took a long time to get there though.
I have 2 new dc children and I do not feel attached to them. I feel very indifferent. It is hard to say if I'll ever feel it. I guess time will tell.
Maybe it will just take you a little while to get to that feeling. Maybe it will take their absence to realize that it was there.

No matter how you feel about the children, I do not feel that you are a horrible person. Some of us become attached and some of us do not. As long as you can act like you adore them and make them feel secure, that's all that counts!

Nope, I don't get attached. This is my job. These are not my kids. I realize that every kid I have can leave me tomorrow if their parents so choose. WHY would I put myself in that position?

Sure, I can like people and not be attached to them. The lady I see at Starbucks way too many times a week is nice to me and I am sure she "likes" me but I am also pretty sure that even if she heard I died she would give a momentary, "oh, dear" and then move on in 5 minutes. And that's if I DIED! LOL!

I don't drive by the school on the last day every summer and see a group of blubbering teachers huddled together with tears running down their cheeks. Shouldn't be different for us.

In fact, I can go even further.

((Judy goes and gets flame retardant suit))

I don't even think a provider needs to LIKE kids to do well at this job. ((putting suit on now)). I know lots of people out in the real world who have strong work ethics and always do everything to the BEST of their abilities but don't particularly like their jobs or the people they work with - but they still do a great job and they are good at what they do.

I really believe this - that you don't have to like kids to be a great dcprovider. You just have to have other talents and characteristics and personality traits that allow you to work very hard and do a great JOB.

I don't get attached because kids come and go and although I like the kids in my care I don't become attached to them. I had one leave at the end of the school year and I don't miss him. I had another leave a couple of weeks ago and again he was a sweet little thing but really loud and high energy and he went full tilt from 6:45(first arrival) till he left and I love my quiet and calm mornings now. I have another going to jk in sept and will only be here mornings and I have a new one starting so I'm happy for the change.

I've been at this for nearly two decades so I've changed over the years. The older I get the more attached I get... or allow myself to be. I really LOVE the kids. I don't just like them... I truly love them very much.

I have one going off to kindy next week who is 5.75 years old and been with me since she was six weeks old. Full time... every day I have had nine hours with her for 1/10 th of my whole life. :wub:
I adore her and feel like she belongs to me. We are having a party for her tomorrow at a hotel and two little girls who were also with me for the first five years of their life are coming to celebrate. My heart is bursting knowing I'm going to have them with the other kids who have been here for four years or more are all going to be at the same place at the same time WITH ME. :woot:

I do agree that you don't have to like kids to be a great child care provider. I found that out years ago with staff assistants who were fabulous child care workers who didn't really "like" kids so much. They did a great job and stayed with me for years.

I have also had some kids I didn't fall in love with and weren't upset when they moved on. Sometimes the kids aren't receptive to the kind of love I give or their needs were so high that there wasn't room in the relationship to do anything other than make them livable within our setting. Thankfully, those have been few and far between.

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Originally Posted by Judy Trickett

Nope, I don't get attached. This is my job. These are not my kids. I realize that every kid I have can leave me tomorrow if their parents so choose. WHY would I put myself in that position?

Sure, I can like people and not be attached to them. The lady I see at Starbucks way too many times a week is nice to me and I am sure she "likes" me but I am also pretty sure that even if she heard I died she would give a momentary, "oh, dear" and then move on in 5 minutes. And that's if I DIED! LOL!

I don't drive by the school on the last day every summer and see a group of blubbering teachers huddled together with tears running down their cheeks. Shouldn't be different for us.

In fact, I can go even further.

((Judy goes and gets flame retardant suit))

I don't even think a provider needs to LIKE kids to do well at this job. ((putting suit on now)). I know lots of people out in the real world who have strong work ethics and always do everything to the BEST of their abilities but don't particularly like their jobs or the people they work with - but they still do a great job and they are good at what they do.

I really believe this - that you don't have to like kids to be a great dcprovider. You just have to have other talents and characteristics and personality traits that allow you to work very hard and do a great JOB.

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I agree with you in the not liking the kids thing. For me, it's my son. I have a little boy right now who isn't bonding with my son. And I go back and forth - if I'm doing this for my son and my son doesn't like him (the little boy is really rough with him), then I should let him go. But on the flipside, that would be really unprofessional and I should just stick it out until I know for sure whether or not he can bond with my son.

HOWEVER, liking the kids and bonding with them make this job SO MUCH easier. This job is difficult enough and stressful enough without liking the kids. Last week, I was heading for nervous breakdown. The little boy I've had forever wouldn't sleep and spent a lot of his half days crying, and the little girl was becoming increasingly disruptive. Last Friday was her last day, so that brought me down to 4 boys, and I put my foot down and told the little boy's parents that half days were not longer an option. I know it's only Tuesday, but this week just FEELS so much better. All the kids I have, I bond with, I like and they all like each other. Even yesterday, the little boy who is rough was running around with the two youngest kids and LAUGHING! He is very shy and hasn't done that yet. I think with me being less stressed, and hating my life less lol, they feel better too.

I'm a firm believer in loving what you do. There's no sense in bringing home a paycheck if you don't love, or AT LEAST like what you do. You only have one life, why spend it being miserable?

I love my old daycare kids - the ones I had before we moved. I will likely keep in touch with their families for quite some time, but this is due to FB, email and text messaging. If we had none of these, as in twenty years ago, I likely wouldn't be all that disturbed. :)

I miss them a little, but it's not a sadness, more of a fondness, like remembering a good concert you attended. LOL

Judy got me thinking. I started my daycare over 4 years ago when my daughter needed a place for her son and I thought it might be a great career change for me. Now he has gone off to JK and I'm running a very successful business but it isn't the same without him. The past year has been completely different and I really enjoy some of the children and don't enjoy some of the other children even a little bit. But it's my job to treat them all very well and equally. However, I am doing a JOB. A GREAT JOB, but I know these children will move on and will be prepared for school thanks to my dedication to make my daycare a wonderful place to grow and learn.

Some of my old clients visit a lot and I know I'll be watching these children grow up until I'm an old lady, but others don't come back to visit at all. Of course, the ones who are coming back to visit are the ones who were very special and their parents are sweethearts too.

Yup when you have been in this field long enough I think you have to learn to balance that level of attachment to the children otherwise your heart is constantly breaking ... in centre care when I was a 'newbie' I cultivated relationships with some clients whom I STILL keep in contact with via pen pal and cards and so forth and their kids are graduating from University and starting families ~ makes me feel old! It was common to be 'crying' every time a kid moved up to the next room. However as I grew in the field I rarely allowed myself to continue to get attached to anyone one child and kept that emotional distance because the turnover rate was just so high and it was too hard .... families came and went based on loosing their subsidy or other criteria and often with little or no notice or closure which sucked! Plus the way centre care work you tend to only have a child between six months to a year tops before they move up to the 'next age group' and you have about 15 - 24 children depending on the age group you work with and you share them with 3 other staff in your room so it is just 'different' how relationship develop in that setting .... it just always seemed like you were spending your time preparing for them to 'graduate' to the next group instead of focusing on enjoying them 'in the moment' that you had them so the focus was always on 'they are leaving soon' and it made it easier to stop yourself from investing in emotional connection other than what was needed to 'meet their immediate needs' so to speak!

I find it harder being at home to maintain that level of 'emotional distance' ... most of my crew come to me at 10-12 months and stay with me until they are in school full time and unlike in centre care where there are many providers it is just ME meeting their needs day in and day out and you see the parents day in and day out you do not miss a drop off or pick up because you were 'on break' or anything .... I have kids graduating this year who've been with me since I opened 5 years ago and while they might be frustrating little souls sometimes and so forth you cannot help but form a deeper relationship with someone you spend 5 days a week with almost 10 hours a day so while there might be 'aspects' of them I will not miss when they are gone I know they are 'in my heart' somewhere and that for years to come I will still remember them with fondness even if there parent does not help them to keep a relationship going with me or those in the program.

I have been lucky though with being home all my clients have been pretty awesome people whom I shared a lot in common with ~ while they were enrolled I kept any relationship professional but those who have moved on whom I am still in contact with either through FB or through play dates or we have developed hobbies or social interactions that overlap over the course of those years together which allow us to keep in contact now that we no longer have that
'professional' relationship status to keep as a barrier. I also have had several clients whose children have become friends outside of daycare so they have play dates and so forth ~ it is definitely different level of relationship that is built for sure.

When I first started I thought it would be hard to have kids leave, but after having over 50 in and out I have very much realized...as much as you DO love them, they come and go. Just dont love, love, like they are your own. maybe its a mental thing we do though to? like, dont let ourselves get TOO attached because we know at some point they will leave. ;)

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Originally Posted by kidlove

When I first started I thought it would be hard to have kids leave, but after having over 50 in and out I have very much realized...as much as you DO love them, they come and go. Just dont love, love, like they are your own. maybe its a mental thing we do though to? like, dont let ourselves get TOO attached because we know at some point they will leave. ;)

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I don't love them like I love my own son but then again, I don't love anyone like I love him. I do love them though even knowing they will grow up and move on. For me, it's worth it to allow myself to feel that way about them. I would give my life for any of them at any time.