Some parents who don't want to be around their kids

Are you still married Bright Sparks, or on your own now? For me, a really defining moment was when I strapped on a backpack and took off on trip, alone, that terrified me. While I was supposed to go with a boyfriend, we broke up 6 weeks prior, so I said 'Sod it....I'm going anyway!' Incredible experience and massive growth experience. My best advice to you if you're feeling an identity crisis coming on, grab your pack, book a ticket and go somewhere that pushes your boundaries. That'll show you who you are pretty quickly :)

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Originally Posted by cfred

Just leave her out of it then Amanda. It's her choice whether or not she can part from her family for a couple of hours. I don't get it, personally, because, since my divorce 14 yrs ago especially, I've been aggressively honing my selfishness. I felt so guilty for years about doing anything for myself that didn't include my children. Yep, those days are long gone now! In fact, I'm researching flights now for my next trip...woo hoo!!!! Then there'll be one with my boys after that (2 weeks camping in Puerto Rico)...they've already been to Turks and Caicos, Florida, England, Wales and Spain. I do include them from time to time :)

I don't think it's strange for you or any parent to find time to do things just as adults. When I booked our last Mothers' Dinner (night out with my clients) at a new gastro pub in town, those women couldn't get there fast enough! They were absolutely thrilled to have a night out with just us ladies....no men, no kids. It was lovely :)

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All those trips sound fun! I am hoping to get to do some travelling with and without my girls in the next few years. My husband and I were supposed to go to Cuba last November to celebrate our 5 year wedding anniversary but had to cancel because my younger daughter was in hospital (swallowed a piece from a board game and it got lodged in her throat - most awful experience ever!!!), but we are hoping to get to go some time in the near future.

Coincidentally, I had my kids young too...not as young as you two, but my 20s were a haze of childbirth, babies, then divorce. I'm doing the 20s now, but with the wisdom of a 45 year old ;) It is IMPERATIVE to rediscover yourself. I can't even begin to tell you the levels of happy you'll hit.

Amanda, if you're looking for places to go in the future, don't hesitate to ask. I've traveled quite a bit to the Caribbean and a bit to Central America and my boyfriend grew up on St. Maarten, Aruba and Curacao. We've got little islands dialed for ya :)

Now don't get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with some time away from the kids, that is not what I am saying. Maybe I have just had a bad group of parents but I really truly believe that some of my daycare kids (not all) could benefit greatly from some time with their parents on a day off. Over the years I have had some interesting families. There is nothing I hate more than the "I am paying you so I will send my child no matter what" attitude. I have had my share of these parents. I have had a child whose older sibling could go to grandma's for a day but he couldn't because he has to come to my house (because they were paying for the spot ya know!). It is these kinds of parents that drive me crazy. I had a family who constantly worked, worked from home, worked weekends, both had very busy careers and their lack of time with their child showed a great deal in his constant seeking for attention no matter if it is good or bad.

I also send my daughter to pre-school - yes she needs time away from me as well. My husband takes her to dance class so that I can do housework. We take full advantage of evenings she is at grandma's house to have a date night or go to a movie rated higher than a G! The reason I don't take holidays away from my family is because well we don't take holidays. That is not a luxury for us for financial reasons so in the event I ever could afford to go on one you bet my family would be part of it.

I have no problem with parents taking some "me" time and sending their child to daycare but come on....some need to put their kids a little higher on the quality time scale IMO. They don't need to be here from the second I open to the second I close if mom is at home (and I am not talking about the ones that do this on occasion, I mean the ones that do it often). I had one family who never ever (and I mean never ever!!) took a day off unless I took one. When she ended up going on mat leave she had over a month and a half of holiday time to use up.

For myself I love the break when a child gets to stay home with a parent, those are the days we get to do extra activities and go on an outing. It happens so rarely and the whole group loves it so much.

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Originally Posted by cfred

Are you still married Bright Sparks, or on your own now? For me, a really defining moment was when I strapped on a backpack and took off on trip, alone, that terrified me. While I was supposed to go with a boyfriend, we broke up 6 weeks prior, so I said 'Sod it....I'm going anyway!' Incredible experience and massive growth experience. My best advice to you if you're feeling an identity crisis coming on, grab your pack, book a ticket and go somewhere that pushes your boundaries. That'll show you who you are pretty quickly :)

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I am still married yes. 12 years this June. My husband is 10 years older and fortunately very patient and supportive. I am currently suffering from PTSD and have developed a phobia surrounding the safety of my kids which is likely a product of my closeness to them and developing a subconscious dependency on them due to the neglect I experienced as a child. Kind of ironic that I should be caring for other children with no issues at all but my own children I literally have a "worse case scenario" playing on loop if they aren't at least in my vicinity. I desperately need to do what you said. I am just full of fear. I really want to go to the women's retreat, alone, on pelee island this summer. Fingers crossed I can find the courage.

Identity crisis is putting things lightly. I am enrolling in Uni for September 2015 taking Psychology and Sexuality and I swear to god I will be putting that before everything else. My kids will be 14 and 13 then and I think it will do them a lot of good to not have me around half as much. It will be best for my whole family before everything with me hits the fan. It takes so much mental energy to keep myself together for work, which I believe I do a terrific job of doing, but it comes at a heavy price. Thanks for your kind words ladies :flower:

adaycarelady- PLEASE enlighten me as to how I am having such a difficult time with motherhood. I am very interested in your wisdom. I am dead serious that I would like to hear what makes you a better mother than me.

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Originally Posted by adaycarelady

I'm sorry to hear so many of you are having a hard time with motherhood :(

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Oh please don't tell me you just went there. I feel like that black lady bobbing my head on the Maury show, saying "oh no she ditn't!!" LOL

I am fine with my motherhood, and love my son more than words can say......

I am also fine with having my own identity, and being my own person, and there is nothing wrong with that....

I know it wasn't directed at only me, but your blanket statements are targeted at everyone who doesn't parent exactly like you. I wish you could take a step back and hear how judgmental you are coming off.
And this:
"When I see people talking about how nice it is to be away from their kids and travel without their kids, I'm thinking that maybe they are having a hard time with motherhood" What the hell?? lol. So, yes this is in my direction since I discussed my excitement over a weekend trip to NY. So, how, in your opinion, does me being excited to spend a weekend with my cousins...my first weekend away in 9 yrs mind you...make you think that I'm in any way having a hard time with motherhood, or that I wish I was a part time mother?

And even if I took a solo vacation every year, which I don't...how does THAT imply that I must be overwhelmed and wish I was a part time parent??

LOL!!! Seriously??? I travel every year....by myself. I'm a dedicated mother who loves her children very much. Going away for 2 or 3 weeks per year max does not, in any way make me a part time parent or mean that I'm having a hard time mothering. Quite the opposite actually. I think I've got a few things sorted out that you may not have yet. I'm a very happy, independent woman who has sorted out her life, raised her children (who are in fact well adjusted and happy) and has come to the valuable realization that my identity is not entirely wrapped up in my children. Because someday those kids are going to move on. It's a good idea to have a good grasp on who you are aside from Mummy before that happens...and be damned sure you like it, or the empty nest is going to hit hard!

Jesus....that was quite a statement. Wow....don't fall off that high horse and get a concussion!

As a mother....I am teaching my children that they can be anything they want!! They don't have to be pigeon holed into one thing. I am teaching them that everyone does things differently and that it's ok. Different isn't better or worse.

People who are confident in their own choices and decisions don't need to put others down for theirs.

wow did this discussion ever get side tracked!! LOL

LOL....I was thinking the same thing. OR, we could say it evolved :) Yeah, that sounds better.

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Originally Posted by bright sparks

I am still married yes. 12 years this June. My husband is 10 years older and fortunately very patient and supportive. I am currently suffering from PTSD and have developed a phobia surrounding the safety of my kids which is likely a product of my closeness to them and developing a subconscious dependency on them due to the neglect I experienced as a child. Kind of ironic that I should be caring for other children with no issues at all but my own children I literally have a "worse case scenario" playing on loop if they aren't at least in my vicinity. I desperately need to do what you said. I am just full of fear. I really want to go to the women's retreat, alone, on pelee island this summer. Fingers crossed I can find the courage.

Identity crisis is putting things lightly. I am enrolling in Uni for September 2015 taking Psychology and Sexuality and I swear to god I will be putting that before everything else. My kids will be 14 and 13 then and I think it will do them a lot of good to not have me around half as much. It will be best for my whole family before everything with me hits the fan. It takes so much mental energy to keep myself together for work, which I believe I do a terrific job of doing, but it comes at a heavy price. Thanks for your kind words ladies :flower:

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I took a course in Sexuality when I was in university and it was very interesting.

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Originally Posted by cfred

Amanda, if you're looking for places to go in the future, don't hesitate to ask. I've traveled quite a bit to the Caribbean and a bit to Central America and my boyfriend grew up on St. Maarten, Aruba and Curacao. We've got little islands dialed for ya :)

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Thanks, we found it very overwhelming trying to pick a place to go. My husband is from Congo in Africa, which unfortunately isn't too helpful in the travel department as I won't be going there any time soon!

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Originally Posted by adaycarelady

I'm sorry to hear so many of you are having a hard time with motherhood :(

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What an immature and hurtful comment. Honestly there really is nothing wrong with disagreeing with each other, there are a lot of us here who are mothers and I bet you can't find two of us who parent exactly the same. There just was no need to make a comment like that. Most of us come here to have honest and open conversations together and even when we don't agree there is no need to resort to making blanket statements and hurtful comments. Were just gonna have to agree to disagree and leave it at that.

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Originally Posted by AmandaKDT

I took a course in Sexuality when I was in university and it was very interesting.

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I'm applying to major in it. It is fascinating and I think it will compliment the psychology major nicely. There are only 3 universities in Ontario that offer it as a major so I am very excited and also that I can take it as a double too :) I'm going for a campus tour tomorrow!

Ok, you are way off base. I have 2 grown children and if I NEVER had time away from them from time to time, I would have gone crazy. I love my kids more that anything and I totally enjoy their company, but that doesn't mean I couldn't have say, a weekend away with my husband to reconnect.

As one other lady said, what are you going to do when you have an empty nest? Do you have your own hobbies and outside interests besides staying home with your kids?

The original post was about dcp's sending us their kids every single time they had a day or holidays off. And that I totally agree with. But you have taken it too far. Just because you don't enjoy a trip here or there without kids over the years, doesn't mean these ladies are worse of a mother than you are. And they aren't saying that they don't spend time or other trips with their kids either.

Oh for the love of Pete! You cannot equate a parent taking some days off or a vacation without their kids with neglectful parenting. That is absolutely ridiculous! And no, I'm not watching Dr. Phil at nap. Frankly, I think he's a pretentious, egotistical man and, at times, find him to be full of crap. I'm busy at nap time playing cards or having a conversation with my son who comes home for lunch.

Yep, probably best to agree to disagree. Clearly, none of us with a life beyond home can measure up...lol. I'm highly skeptical of those who claim to be the most knowledgeable about things. I've been dating long enough and heard enough men brag about their 'capabilities' to know that most people like that are generally not all that and a bag of chips....the same can be said for many things.

It's probably time for this thread to come to an end.

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Originally Posted by adaycarelady

Don't any of you watch dr phil during naptimes? He says you can't change what you don't acknowledge, so maybe some of you don't realize the impact of your actions. It is usually negativity that wears a person down to the point where they can't keep up with life/parenting demands so need regular 'breaks'. Living a positive lifestyle helps positivity. Are you eating a good diet? Do you need a new mattress to have better sleeps? Little things like that can help a person have enough positivity to get through daily demands. Then that way they don't get worn out and have to lay in bed all day to recharge or have to go on regular holidays. Maybe it's a good idea to agree to disagree. I should not have to convince parents to spend more time with their OWN children, how sad is that? Especially with daycare providers who should know the benefits of quality time. I know some very dedicated parents who would agree with me. You could google the benefits of quality time with children. Then see why quality time is so important. You may also run into many articles about how many parents are too 'busy' for their children and how it is impacting their well-being.

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But that is bias research. You would find just as many articles explaining how important it is for people to spend time away from their children and a list of the benefits to both the adult and the child as a result. Biassed research simply serves to reinforce your beliefs, even if they are wrong and that pertains to anything not just this subject. And Dr Phil...are you kidding me that's who you are going to use to back up what you say lol the guy may very well be educated but he doesn't even have a license so anyone can Google that kind of stuff or offer words of wisdom but it's not gonna be the same for everyone.

Bwaa ha ha!!! I can google why its ok to beat a wife, how to make a pipe bomb or lose 40 pounds if I start smoking.

When did what I read on google become fact? Must have missed that.

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Originally Posted by Wonderwiper

Bwaa ha ha!!! I can google why its ok to beat a wife, how to make a pipe bomb or lose 40 pounds if I start smoking.

When did what I read on google become fact? Must have missed that.

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Oh my god you just made my cheeks hurt...thanks

Ok I truly need a "you need Jesus meme" for the expression on that lady's face. (google it if you don't know what I mean) And its not for the religious factor, but as I said for the expression, you adaycarelady are making some pretty strong assumptions about who we are as people because some of us are choosing the parenting style that works for us.

I have been in this field for 6.5 years (a newbie by most standards) and yes I can say that there are some parents who take the first chance to drop off their kids, get a nanny and whatnot, but I can say with great accuracy that My husband and I do not do this..... but why try to explain? I feel like you'll just take my words out of context.

I spend 50-60 formal hours/week with children dedicated to their early years and development, and I chose to stay home with my son, as to not miss out on his years as a child. I was talking about this thread last night with DH, and here are his thoughts:

He hopes that who ever you are adaycarelady that empty nest syndrome doesn't hit you so hard that it does mental harm, and he means that sincerely. He is speaking from experience with his own mother....She still hovers over him in some fashion to this day, and he argues with her about it. I did that at the risk of generalization, because you have generalized all of us in some way.

I am not saying that those who choose a different parenting style are any less than I, it just makes us different, and I agree to disagree with their method, because after all we are individuals. With minds of our own.

ok, I will chime in too. I had family who were guilty of dropping off to do stupid things like tanning, getting their nails done or even putting up the christmas tree. So in my contract I know have a clause that I only watch children for families who go to work or school (now I do have the odd ones who need and stop and do an errand and I have no problems with it because its a rare thing)

imagine, I had kids who would see their parents drive by the house and get so excited thinking that they were going to go home only to find out that no one was picking them up. I got so sick and tired of this behavior and how unfair it was to the kids.

also, putting your child in daycare or preschool for socialization or getting them ready for school is one thing, but dumping them off because you need a day to yourself is totally something else. I get wanting to spend time doing things, but these are the same parents who party all weekend, dump their kids off with relatives on the weekends or even during the weekday put their kids to bed early so they can have "alone time". So how much alone time do people need, why have children if you want alone time.

this makes me mad and sad at the same time. Mad because it feels like no one cares but me and sad for the kids because I'm the one who listens to them, plays with them and treat them like family, no wonder I have kids who never want to go home.

She's not 'abusydaycarelady' Dodge....there is someone in DCB by that name, but not this one. This is just 'adaycarelady'.

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Originally Posted by momofnerds

ok, I will chime in too. I had family who were guilty of dropping off to do stupid things like tanning, getting their nails done or even putting up the christmas tree. So in my contract I know have a clause that I only watch children for families who go to work or school (now I do have the odd ones who need and stop and do an errand and I have no problems with it because its a rare thing)

imagine, I had kids who would see their parents drive by the house and get so excited thinking that they were going to go home only to find out that no one was picking them up. I got so sick and tired of this behavior and how unfair it was to the kids.

also, putting your child in daycare or preschool for socialization or getting them ready for school is one thing, but dumping them off because you need a day to yourself is totally something else. I get wanting to spend time doing things, but these are the same parents who party all weekend, dump their kids off with relatives on the weekends or even during the weekday put their kids to bed early so they can have "alone time". So how much alone time do people need, why have children if you want alone time.

this makes me mad and sad at the same time. Mad because it feels like no one cares but me and sad for the kids because I'm the one who listens to them, plays with them and treat them like family, no wonder I have kids who never want to go home.

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I actually had a mom (who was a neighbour and friend as well) who, after I had both her children for 10.5 hours that day, proclaimed that she needed a nap an hour after she picked up because they wearing her out! I had to bite my tongue after that comment, lol.

Oh my bad so sorry will correct my post

Now corrected.... :)

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Originally Posted by mattsmom

I actually had a mom (who was a neighbour and friend as well) who, after I had both her children for 10.5 hours that day, proclaimed that she needed a nap an hour after she picked up because they wearing her out! I had to bite my tongue after that comment, lol.

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you too, or how about the ones that tell you that their children were so horrible all night long (ya the 2 hours that they spend together) and I have them for up to 10 hours and don't have a problem all day, how does this happen. I don't understand how "I" can go all day with kids till bed time, and take my own to activities and the only time I get to have "alone time" is at 615am till 645am when my odd has to get up to go to highschool. Just doesn't make sense anymore.

LOLOL yeah I find that funny too, ________ was so trying. I don't understand how __________ does that for you is one I get often too :)

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Originally Posted by adaycarelady

Don't any of you watch dr phil during naptimes? He says you can't change what you don't acknowledge, so maybe some of you don't realize the impact of your actions. It is usually negativity that wears a person down to the point where they can't keep up with life/parenting demands so need regular 'breaks'. Living a positive lifestyle helps positivity. Are you eating a good diet? Do you need a new mattress to have better sleeps? Little things like that can help a person have enough positivity to get through daily demands. Then that way they don't get worn out and have to lay in bed all day to recharge or have to go on regular holidays. Maybe it's a good idea to agree to disagree. I should not have to convince parents to spend more time with their OWN children, how sad is that? Especially with daycare providers who should know the benefits of quality time. I know some very dedicated parents who would agree with me. You could google the benefits of quality time with children. Then see why quality time is so important. You may also run into many articles about how many parents are too 'busy' for their children and how it is impacting their well-being.

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You know what else Dr. Phil says a lot? "OH GET DOWN OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE"

You parent differently than every other person on this planet. No two parenting strategies are alike. But it certainly doesn't mean that YOUR way is the best one. If I choose to go away for the weekend, it is not because I am feeling mentally drained, not eating right, or need a better mattress (wtf, hahahaha). It's because I WANT to! It's OK to want to have fun that doesn't involve your children. I promise. I spend 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week of quality time with my children, and I love them to the end of the earth and back....why else would I quit my job and open a business to stay home with them? But spending time with friends, your husband, or your family isn't the end of the world, or your kids world. "I know some very dedicated parents who would agree with me." is saying that anyone who doesn't spend every waking moment with their children is not a dedicated parent and that's just bat shit crazy.
By the way, I noticed that you love to spew your gospel but never answer anyone's questions...so, please indulge me: How does a mother spending occasional time without their children negatively affect the child's overall well being? And how will spending every waking moment WITH your children help them to grow into better adults than those whose parents may have gone on a few dates with their husbands?
We all have different parenting styles, and that's ok. But it is not ok to make a statement about how our children are suffering because we do not use yours. There is no one way to be the perfect parent, but a million ways to be a great one.

If you don't take care of yourself, how can you take care of others?

All parents need a break. I regularly take a break from being "mom". My kids don't suffer for it, they benefit. I am a better mom when I get time to myself.

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Originally Posted by nschildcare

If you don't take care of yourself, how can you take care of others?

All parents need a break. I regularly take a break from being "mom". My kids don't suffer for it, they benefit. I am a better mom when I get time to myself.

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your right, but I think what the op is saying is the ones that are always taking a break, like really why do you need to drop your child off for an entire week while you sit at home. And you know secretly, I think going to work outside your house where there are humans that don't carry toilet paper with them is a break for me lol! (sorry I had a little new walker unroll tp yesterday and I was in the middle of another bum change, it was so funny the look on his face) we all need breaks, but I find it odd that those who need the breaks spend the least amount of time with their children ??????

Yes the original post was about parents who constantly bring their child to daycare because they need a break. Personally I think a parent has been at work all day - that is your "me" time away from your kids. Most get 2 coffee breaks and a full hour for lunch of "me" time. Small children need their parents in the evening and on weekends. Yes there is nothing wrong with the parents taking the odd day/evening/weekend away but there are some who send their children to daycare a lot more than necessary - which is what this post started to be about (not about us provider's needing a break - we deal with kids all day long and usually care for our own all day long so we should be taking more "me" time). This is just my opinion.

@ mickyc Wow you are right this has gotten way off base, and I have to be honest when my son was in lic. care and I paid for a ft spot..I would grocery shop, and go to the doc etc, when he was at daycare, and I was not booked to work..... But this was not a daily "day off thing."

It boggles my mind how some can say the care for kids, and yet in the same breath these very same people can come across as bullies and hypocrites. How can people with these traits be caring for our most precious, and building future adults...??

Yes, I agree that's what the original post was about. And I completely agree with that annoyance! What the OP is now doing though is grouping everyone who spends time away from their children into the same group as parents who don't want to parent their children. She is using blanket and passive aggressive statements that apply to anyone who doesn't spend 100% of their time with their children.

my odd went to daycare when I was on mat leave. She went 3 times a week for half a day. I wanted her to get ready for school and be around kids her own age and to learn to get away from me (cling on style) but I would never put her in all day everyday knowing I was home.

do you guys ever wonder down the road about those kids who spend all their time at daycare. I've been at this a long time so I now see the effects on some of the kids long term. Lots of poor relationships with their parents and lots of time spent on video games.

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Originally Posted by momofnerds

my odd went to daycare when I was on mat leave. She went 3 times a week for half a day. I wanted her to get ready for school and be around kids her own age and to learn to get away from me (cling on style) but I would never put her in all day everyday knowing I was home.

do you guys ever wonder down the road about those kids who spend all their time at daycare. I've been at this a long time so I now see the effects on some of the kids long term. Lots of poor relationships with their parents and lots of time spent on video games.

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Um, yes! So glad I am able to be home with my children.

And I do agree the post got off topic... because continuous daycare dumpers do irk me. I have one now and had one in the past. Here all the time, long hours, every day, and with gparents on weekends. these kids are starved for attention, loving parental attention, and their behaviour reflects it. I don't want to see these two in 5 years.

I think it would depend on how the child was parented once getting home from daycare. My oldest (9) went to daycare full time but I dropped her off as late as I could and picked her up as early as I could while I went to University. If I was going to be held up at school or needed extra studying time then I would have my Mom or Dad pick her up so she wouldn't be there too long. My time with my daughter after daycare was ALL about her. She and I now have a very close, affectionate relationship...she WANTS to be heavy into computer games, lol, but that has a time limit ;) But if a child was in daycare from 7:30-5:30 then rushed home and the parent was too exhausted/stressed to pay them any notice while they cleaned, cooked, rested, etc then I can see how those relationships would be distant :(