Guys, I'm going to cry....again

I.am.at.my.wits.end.

I have a wonderful little dayhome going. I have been opened since October and have had nothing but positive feedback from parents about how happy their kids are with me and how they wish they had found me sooner (2 families left other dayhomes to come to me). I have a small group of fabulous kids...my biggest problem??? MY son.
He's 21 months old and going trough an absolutely horrid phase that start about 3-4 week ago. ONLY during daycare hours he has become incredibly aggressive: hitting, pulling hair, biting, screaming and even head butting.
For the record, I am being very consistent with teaching being gentle, emphasizing on the feelings of the "victim", sitting on the stairs for 1 minute and redirecting to a new activity. But it's only a matter of minutes before he strikes again. If I'm not RIGHT there (I left his side today to go fix a skipping CD), he WILL hurt someone. He bit a 19month old dcb and while I was fussing over and icing his bite mark, he ran over to a dcg dancing to music and pulled her hair and wouldn't let go.
I'm just at my wits end!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like such a horrible Mom, because I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING WRONG. I have a 7 yrs old girl who I didn't have any issues with this. I have my dck's whom I'm able to manage very effectively any aggressive behaviour. Today after that last incident I described, I brought him upstairs away from the other kids, went into the bathroom and had a full out sobbing break down. It was just one of those weak moments where I felt so helpless...my poor husband on the phone was terrified lol.
Anyways, they are all sleeping now so I get to chill...hoping for a better afternoon. If you have any advice or possible explanation I would love to hear it...but this was more for venting purposes than anything. I'm sure it has something to do with "sharing Mommy" and getting more attention, but I'm just so frustrated and quite frankly saddened by the whole thing.

oh no, I can't give you advise because I'm going through a similar issue with one my DCK's. I certainly understand the need to hide and cry. It feels like no matter what you do the behaviour is still there... if not worse. Hang in there! You're not the only one. It's hard to calmly redirect when another child is hurt.

You're not doing anything wrong. Your son is probably trying to get your attention. He has to share his momma now, and toddlers aren't known at the best of times for their sharing capabilities, especially when it comes to their parents.

I would put a pack n play in the main play area. I would put him in it for more than a minute (maybe three?) every time he offends. I would swiftly grab him, speak in your angry voice, and let him know that biting/hitting/pulling hair is NOT acceptable. Let him watch as you and the daycare kids do something fun without him. When he can see what he is missing, when he knows that you're upset, he'll get the message. Like everything with kids, consistency is paramount.

Good luck!

In no way is this to blame you but it sounds like he is very jealous of your attention being given away to others. *not that it's an ok way to deal with it* Maybe try having special moments with just MOMMY so he still feels like you're not replacing him?

My daughter had a hard time too....one day about a month ago she was so bad and cranky, wanted to held all day - so I did! It was a "chill day"...she got her mommy-full and didn't act out again! I give her tons of hugs and kisses through out the day (sometimes the dck want hugs too and I'll give them but I don't kiss attack them like w/ my own).

Hang in there ((hugs))

1-minute time out on the stairs seems like a vacation?

He should be going to his room and he should either be put in his crib or in a playpen for his time outs. Let him sit there for 20 minutes if that’s what it takes. Do not pick him up until he has calmed down. Tell him "no hitting" and put him straight in his (play pen/crib), when you come and get him say no more hitting, we are gentle to our friends. Give him a big hug and be constant.

I don’t believe in time outs, they only work for seriously 10% of kids. I have a daycare girl who when put in her room thinks its funny & the stairs is a vacation as well. I through trial and error found that putting her in the corner works like a charm.

He may need the de stress of being isolated and after being removed from the fun a few dozen times it should really work. It worked for the most aggressive child I had in my care and now she is amazing at maintaining her composure when angry. If someone else takes a toy from her she is extremely calm. But boy did she ever hurt the other kids just out of the blue for no reason.

It must really suck that its your own little one but stay firm consistent and always hug after he has been removed from the group for time outs. When you are able to re direct him praise him for great listening. Remember it’s just a phase.

Good Luck!

Hugs

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Originally Posted by Alphaghetti

You're not doing anything wrong. Your son is probably trying to get your attention. He has to share his momma now, and toddlers aren't known at the best of times for their sharing capabilities, especially when it comes to their parents.

I would put a pack n play in the main play area. I would put him in it for more than a minute (maybe three?) every time he offends. I would swiftly grab him, speak in your angry voice, and let him know that biting/hitting/pulling hair is NOT acceptable. Let him watch as you and the daycare kids do something fun without him. When he can see what he is missing, when he knows that you're upset, he'll get the message. Like everything with kids, consistency is paramount.

Good luck!

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Don't disipline in the main area it doesn't work and it causes more aggression. No one likes being singled out infront of everyone else. Put him in his room.

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Originally Posted by Skysue

Don't disipline in the main area it doesn't work and it causes more aggression. No one likes being singled out infront of everyone else. Put him in his room.

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Works for us! :)

The main play area is in the basement and his bedroom is on the third floor, so it isn't quite that simple to just haul him up 3 flights of stairs every time he hits. And no, sorry but I'm not going to put a not even 2 yrs old in a 20 minutes time out. Not my style. 1 minute per year over here when and if they get time outs. I very rarely even resort time outs over here because I don't believe it teaches them much of anything until they are older.
I DO love the playpen idea though. Where I can put him sternly for a minute or 2 while I shower the "victim" with pity where he can see in an effort to encourage empathy/sympathy, and see what he misses out on. He does get plenty of 'just mommy' time during the day (I take him with me to prepare meals, put him to bed last so we can snuggle in the rocker, and he wakes up first so we have about 1/2 hr to ourselves.) He's just going through this horrible phase....but it really makes me feel better just typing it out!!!
Thank you ladies for being so sweet and helpful!!!

I agree that this is likely a combination of jealousy and anger at having to share his mommy and while valid 'feelings' totally not an acceptable manner for communicating them.

I would totally 'redirect' the inappropriate behaviour and like others suggested put him in a pack and play 'away' from the group with the message 'you need to be GENTLE if you want to be with us' when he is calm let him return to the group and show the child the hurt child GENTLE and make amends before being able to return to play ... some kids will tolerate a hug from a child who 'hurt them' but others might need a high five or other means of amends like getting them a cold cloth for their boo boo or something.

When you CAN give him some special one on one t ime with just you ... I know with some providers they put all the other crew down for nap and put their OWN down last and they have some specially mommy and me time reading a book and having a snuggle before nap or vise verses they get their own up FIRST after quiet time and have some special time before inviting the other friends to get up.

Also making sure that he has special space and toys in the home that he does not have to SHARE ... so in his room or in the family room somewhere that the daycare kids do not get to GO has things that are only his and it is his special place in the home.

We ask a lot of children to open up their home and their mamas to 'strangers' ... it is bad enough learning to share with siblings but these are 'strangers' initially ;)

Opps opened my window to respond and than made a cup of tea while you were posting ;)

Oh boy do I feel your pain; I went through the same thing with my 2 year old. He was and remains my challenge. I tried everything punishment wise to get him to stop being so aggressive (like you, this only occurred during daycare hours). The only thing that has helped is to (1) nap him 1 hour later than the others (this way he has one on one with me) and (2) praise him for the positives and make sure he's my helper every chance I get. Also, the little things...let him sit in my lap during story time. Poor you!!

Hi again,

Just for clarification I didn’t say put him on a time out for 20 minutes but I said don’t be afraid to do it for 20 minutes if that’s what it takes? Every child is different and if his aggression is not stopping try to find out what works for him.

I think sometimes we need to try and see the world through there eyes. Think about what he is seeing, he does something be it hit and he gets Mom’s attention. She puts him on a time out then the other kid gets attention it can be confusing.

Maybe put the playpen out of sight of the other kids so he can fully de stress and re-group.

I am a full believer of re-direction but if his aggression is getting more serious so should your time outs.

Whatever your decide stay consistent as that is key!

Well my child was the aggressor when I first opened as well and I had to do things differently with him as well. I never had a child that bit and hit and pushed and pulled hair sometimes all at the same time until this child. I don't agree with using bed as punishment because that's not how I want to associate "bed" but I had to. Time out didn't work it just made him angrier where he would then go and attack..... He saw his bed as "his safe place" so I would take him in and say there is no ..... ( whatever he was doing) and tell him he had to sit down and relax....I would shut the door and leave him there for about 7 or 8 mins and then go in and say "are you ready to come back out and be nice to our friends" he always said yes and he followed through.....the behaviour doesn't occur anymore and hasn't for awile.... But I seriously thought of putting him in a daycare that wasn't mine !!!!

Skysue- I went back and read your response and I totally misread it through tears the first time, so I apologize if my response to you sounded a bit snappy. It really has been a horrible day!! Sorry! I get what you're saying.

Crayola- that was my first thought on the 'bed' thing but I'll keep thatin mind.

The afternoon went better...I let him have his soother while playing and it helped him to remain a lot calmer. Perhaps using it as a transition tool for now will help. *sigh* I love him soooooooooooooo much, that it hurt me how much I disliked him this morning. Does that sound monsterous??? :(

Nope we can totally love some with all our heart and REALLY DISLIKE THEIR CHOICES OR BEHAVIOUR ... my spouse comes to mind in this instance LOVE him but some of his habits drive me to drink ;)

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Originally Posted by Lisa

Skysue-
I love him soooooooooooooo much, that it hurt me how much I disliked him this morning. Does that sound monsterous??? :(

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Oh, I would bet you are getting a unanimous shake of the head here; not monstrous at all. Our children know us best, those buttons to push...and there's the mommy guilt! Hope today's a better day for you. It does get better.

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Originally Posted by Lisa

Skysue- I went back and read your response and I totally misread it through tears the first time, so I apologize if my response to you sounded a bit snappy. It really has been a horrible day!! Sorry! I get what you're saying.

Crayola- that was my first thought on the 'bed' thing but I'll keep thatin mind.

The afternoon went better...I let him have his soother while playing and it helped him to remain a lot calmer. Perhaps using it as a transition tool for now will help. *sigh* I love him soooooooooooooo much, that it hurt me how much I disliked him this morning. Does that sound monsterous??? :(

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Hi,

First of all no offense taken regarding my post! Second there is no parent walking or dead has hasn’t ever felt anger, aggression, disappointment and dislike of there child.

Anyone that tells you different is simply put a liar.

All I can say is you’re not alone and we are hear for you. Through your amazing love for your son you will get through this. It’s not easy sharing your Mom and your amazing son will get through this too!

Hope today goes better for you!

Hugs

Ok well I'm sure I'll get the big thumbs down for this post but I am not a "soother" lover .... I allow them in my dayhome for naptime only and I phase them out very quickly .... I don't agree with letting a child walk around with a soother in their mouth .... It just creates dependence in my opinion and then when you want to take it away then you'll have another reason for the aggression. It's like a bribe ...." I'll give you the soother if you don't hit/bite/pull hair". I can't remember how old your child is but if he is over 1 he shouldn't have a soother ..... The longer your child has a soother after he turns one the harder it is to take away. JMO

Today: SUCH a better day!! A complete 180, ugh!!! Thank goodness!

I hear you on soothers, but i'm more relaxed when it comes to them. My daughter had hers for bed time until she was 2 1/2yrs, wasn't hard to wean and caused absolutely no problems whatsoever. My son is 21 months now and uses his only during sleep time...and if it's helping him transition through whatever is stressing then I personally, don't have a problem with it. Especially since he's mine, you know? Not like I'm letting DCK's walk around with soothers. He'll be fine with it for a few more months, no long term harm done. On that note, he didn't have it at all this morning and did fabulous!

Oh, and thank you all for your support!!!! It's wonderful to know that I can come and vent and not be judged. Thank you!!

I wonder if he is teething and his acting out is do to pain - the sucking on the soother might help to alleviate the pain?

I am not a lover of the soother either but if it works ... I do not let them WALK around with one but I have pinned them to teething children to 'sit and suck' when they feel the need.

Oh I feel your pain. Exactly the reason I came on this evening. I also have cried today from the stress. I have no idea what to do with my son (2yo), I've tried everything as well.
He has gotten better since he started the biting, but still does it and only to the one younger dcb. I'm afraid this boys mother will finally say enough and take him out of my care. Which I would absolutely hate(and can understand her point of view) bc he is an awesome little guy, 17mths and his mother is one of my best parents. As well, as I am due w/baby #2 in 8 wks can't afford to lose him either.

(((hugs))) Nifer!!!

I didn't read the whole responses, maybe someone already suggested but here is one from me. Can you try to ignore the bad behaviour? When he bites other kids just go and give hugs and kisses to the victims. He will soon get the message and will realise him biting gives other kids hugs and kisses not to him. It worked well with my previous charges.

Good luck though