Worth mentioning to parents or not?

Okay, so I have a dcg who is difficult to say the least. She always has something going on with her, and is just generally a very sensitive girl. Her mother is a nice woman, but I believe babies her daughter. Anyways, the past couple of days at drop off or pick up, the mother has made this comment to her daughter, "What's wrong ****? Are you scared or anxious about something? Or are you excited?". The mother seems concerned because as she is holding her daughter, the daughter is pinching the back of the mom's arm. Apparently the daughter does this when she is scared (when someone runs a vacuum or lawnmower), none of which has been going on during drop off or pick up. There is no other signs of distress with this child at the time. I believe it is just something the daughter does when being held, experimenting with her hands. My son just recently started to do this to me (I dont allow it) and himself in exploration and he is the same age as this dcg.
So, long story short, would you guys say anything to the mother or would you just let it go? I'm not sure if this is a passive way of saying she thinks there is something going on at daycare, or what?

I would definitely ask the mother if there is anything she has concerns about.

Has this happened more than once or just this one time? If this is the first time, then I wait to see if she continues the behavior in the next few days at drop off.

She's done it twice this week so far (yesterday at pick up and today at drop off).

I had a girl in care who was a miracle baby so very ahem, loved by all the adults in her life and she was here for 3 years until leaving for JK. When she was smaller her Mom was a freak! Her: Oh baby girl, are you ok, oh, oh, Me: puke :laugh:

Anyway, over the years I managed to convince the mother that her daughter was playing her like a musical instrument and knew just how to manipulate her to get the most attention. The Mom caught on and really impressed me at how she learned to call her daughter on her unnecessary drama. If you give the parents the truth every day about any issues that arise and point out the Oscar winning performances in front of parents when they happen, most of the parents catch on and appreciate you for the help. Not all, but most.

I wish I had parents like that. Some of the mothers that have come into my house think their kids are on the track to sainthood.

Be open and honest with mom and ask her about it. Kids are funny and maybe she's starting to play games

The mother needs to stop putting words into the child's mouth - bet she nods her head at both of mom's suggestions of what is wrong.

It could also be anger at mom which is very common in kids that have been in daycare all day in the sense they are so relieved that mom has come back they get their emotions mixed up and will hit and act up instead of hugging or hug and then hit or whatever odd combination they come up.

As for it being a stage there are times when they develop their depth perception, times when they are afraid of heights, etc. Maybe mom is holding onto her too gently and she needs a firmer secure hold. Also they grab on to whatever is there and their small hands can only grab the skin at the back. For some kids they grab your collar and strangle you or worse the back of your head and pull your hair. I have always thought it had to do with feeling secure while being carried since that seems to be when it happens.

It may just be that playfelt as she is a very "needy" child in that sense. It may also be exploration as today I let them play at the water table when we were outside and everyone got wet. So, when I brought them inside I stripped them all down to their diapers and let them run around for a few minutes before putting new clothes on them...and guess what she was doing... pinching herself. I think it may be that since its warmer more skin is exposed and she likes to play with it. If the mom brings it up again I will say something to her, as she didn't say anything at pick up.

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Originally Posted by playfelt

The mother needs to stop putting words into the child's mouth - bet she nods her head at both of mom's suggestions of what is wrong.

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If she can, have the CHILD use her own words as to what's wrong...and I can bet its nothing more than "I'm just playing you for a fool mommy" LMAO :laugh:

I don't know if I'd say anything. As a mother who has had my kids in home daycares, if I suspect that somethings not right I never questioned my child in the doorway, I'd question the care giver! Do you think it's possible you're reading into this too much? If she has a real concern I'm sure she'd say something, not just hint at it. Or maybe just reasure her... "all kids go through this phase" or " my sons doing the same thing when we go to gramma's " ect. Something to reasure her but make it light. If there isn't a problem, then don't create a conversation about it.

A&B- I haven't said anything to her because I do not want to make a big deal out of nothing, I just find it odd that she would be saying something like that in the first place. I too have had my child in home daycares, and have brought up any concerns I have. This mother does too, but I sometimes get the sense that she does not trust me fully, which is why I was thinking about saying something, just to clear the air in case there was an issue.

About the feel of the skin - I'll bet mom has been coming in with bare arms the last few days - since the pinching started in stead of having a jacket on.

Can you work on the pinching at daycare with the idea that pinching hurts and is not a nice thing to do. What you don't want is her to do is experiment on the other kids. Now that they can be in bare arms and legs more take note of if she is doing it.

I just thought of something - and I could be WAY off, but as silly at it sounds could this be HER way of trying to start a converation about something she's not happy with and is using the child? She may figure if she says it enough times you'll comment on it?

Again, I could be 100% wrong....just a thought. Some ppl are weird like that, KWIM?

Plafelt- that is exactly it and I have been watching her for this. I do let them know it hurts and we don't do it. If I'm holding my son and he pinches me, he immediately is told no, it hurts and I put him down. I would do the same with her, mom wouldn't.

Then that is what you need to address. Sometimes this is where we speak to the child instead of the mom. When child pinches and mom makes her comment say to the child the effect of XXXX we have talked about that before today when you were pinching YYYY. Pinching hurts we don't do it. That lets the mom know that it isn't just with her that she is doing it. Then turn to the mom and say if I pick up a child and they pinch, hit, poke or do something else with their hands that is inappropriate they are immediately told no and put down. They do not get away with it here.

Depending on the parent you can then turn it around saying I haven't said anything before since this is your child but it would be a good idea while you are at daycare that the rules be consistent and it may be if you are not disciplining the pinching that your daughter pinches you at pick up to test what the rules are. While i can't control what you do at home the rule at daycare is if we pinch, hit, etc. we do not get carried or cuddled. If she pinches at daycare she needs to be put down and told no in that firm no nonsense tone of voice.

At least it lets the parent know that this is ongoing type behaviour and not just a stressed child at pickup.

Did I miss somewhere how old this girl is? Is she capable of vocalizing? Because if so, I would definitely be asking her (in front of mom) to use her words to tell mommy things.
Even if she's little, I would also say (in front of mom) "Oh, ouch. Remember that we don't pinch. Pinching hurts!"
I can almost guarantee that if mom does think somehthing is up, this is her way of "asking" you. If it happens again, and mom has the same reaction, I would call her on it. "Gee, I haven't had any issues with her. She seems to be doing fine. Do you have any questions or concerns?" Doesn't have to be confrontational, but you may as well clear the air!