Help with a tough letter to a mom

My questions:
1) is this written in a way that I am not insulting the child
2) how do I end this letter in a positive way?
3) should I be putting in more detail about the behavioru I see?

____,

I thought I should send you a detailed update on how ___ has been doing here as I’m sure you’ve been wondering about the details of her day since our discussion regarding her spike in aggressive behaviour.

_______has not put her hands on anyone since and I feel better about leaving the room for short periods of time (to prep snack, take a bathroom break, etc.) She will attempt to use her words when she feels upset but most times she will use her words in an attempt to manipulate or bully the other children, or even me, into getting her way. She will manipulate much like the way you described when she wanted ballerina music in the car. If the issue is over a toy she will do something like tell the child that she just wants to show them a new or different way to play the game. When the other child agrees to this she will simply take the toy and start playing, excluding that child from play. If the other child attempts to regain their toy ______will then yell at them and tell me that they are trying to take their toy or that no one will let her play by herself. She will bully children into getting her way by telling that she won’t be their friend and won’t play with them unless she gets to do X or be X. When she is either caught in one of these act or spoken to about how to play fair, share, etc she simply becomes upset/angry and behaviour amplifies instead of being corrected. Time-outs have the same, or worse, effect.

The sticker program has helped for small periods of time throughout the day. Some goals have been met much more than others. Her listening has improved some and she is only a couple stickers away from getting her reward in the category. She has also earned stickers for using her words when upset (only if she has not used her words in a manipulative or bullying way). I find that when I give ______a sticker for playing nicely with her friends, the positive behaviour that I have reinforced quickly diminishes and we will soon have an issue. ______has many stickers to earn before getting her reward for letting her friends have special moments. Her need for attention in my home is extremely high and it has been an issue I’ve been attempting to deal with for quite some time, without any succcess.

If _____is getting the amount of attention she wants she is happy, giggly, and tends to have great days here. However, I am not able to give this type of attention to her if I am to give all the children the attention they deserve. After the daycare has closed I often feel as though I did not do my job in giving other children attention. I feel like I haven’t sat down with my own child all day, and that ____has suffered a big loss of the type of attention she needs at her age.

_____receives at least twice the amount of attention, twice the praise, and double the quality one of one time as the other children and it still seems to be less than what she needs to be satisfied. We have had many talks about how I must pay attention to everyone, that she needs to let other children be praised without begging for more herself, that everyone needs a chance to talk to me, that she can’t always be the first, that she is great but not better than anyone else, and that everyone else also needs some special ‘Andy time’. After these conversations I feel like I have only bruised her ego somewhat and that nothing has really been absorbed. They behaviour only amplifies.

The other day she told me out of the blue, during some one on one time when most of the other children were still sleeping, that there are too many children here and she doesn’t like it. She told me she wished that they wouldn’t come so that it would just be us dancing together and no one else. She told me that ____can come only if it is _____'s birthday and _______can come sometimes but not all the time (but only because she kinda likes her hair LOL). It got me wondering whether I am able to give ____what she needs in order to feel loved and happy.

This is where I want to end the letter but am stuck for a good way to do it. I want to make it clear that I am close the end of my rope (but in a very nice and round about way) and that if things dont improve She will have to find other arrangement (but again, in a round about and suttle way)

what do you think about this?

_----has always needed a bit more praise and attention. It is part of her nature. Since March this need has very quickly progressed outside of my ability to satisfy her. I feel exhausted and very stuck as you can`t consequence a child`s need for love and attention. I can consequence constant interruptions, etc. And behaviour that results from her attention seeking but the underlying issue will still be there.
Perhaps you were right that, in certain ways, she is under stimulated here? Maybe she needs more than I can give her? Maybe a nanny can give her that attention that I can’t?

I’m not sure.

What do you think?

How old is this child???

I have one like that in care for the past 5 years I empathize with how draining it can be although I have always been able to manage her to ensure that the others all get lots of attention cause initially my approach to her was to help her learn patience and independence so for the longest time she was basically always LAST to have her needs met and when she waited patiently I praised her and than she would get a chance at being first for something - she's made huge improvements but it is partially her personality and partially their lifestyle at home that results in the "me me me" behaviors.

It is a challenge to care for so many varied personalities for sure - and when our own kids were easy going ones some of those "challenging" kids come as a schock to say the least!

She is four. For a few months Ive been trying to have her practice independance. Going last, reminders, hyping up inderpendance, praising patience has done nothing.

The behaviour is wosening and not improving so I'm at my last straw. She does not allow other children the attention they need at all anymore.

I just wanted to know how the letter sounded

How about this:

"...It got me wondering whether I am able to give ____what she needs in order to feel loved and happy.

My goal, of course, is to care for all the children in my home in such a way that they all flourish. It concerns me when I feel that this is not being accomplished as is the situation in ___'s case. I will continue working with ____ and hope to see some improvement soon. I will give you another update soon and we can re-evaluate the situation then and see how best to proceed."

Well Put Jazmic. Do you think the body of the message is ok?

From mom's perspective, the use of the terms "bullying" and "manipulative" numerous times, may put her defenses up. NOT THAT SHE ISN'T.... Because obviously there are some serious things going on. But I don't know if there are other words to use? Unless of course, mom has been using the terms herself. I just would hate for your message (which is very well worded and delivered otherwise) to get lost because mom gets a little pissy over it.
Is this girl the oldest in care? She may need to be in a program that has older children around. I had a child like this last year, who always had to be "the best" and "the winner" and "the first". I actually think it was because mom and dad praised him TOO much. They never taught him to be a good sport, or how to let others be good at things too. Funny how you can go wrong with being too kind to a child! He is now in a school age care program, and as far as I know, does much better there.
In general, I think that your letter, finished off with what Jazmic suggested, is well done. Fill us in on how it goes!

Great suggestion. I kept the first sentence using the words manipulative and bully and changed the words I used in the rest of the letter. Mom herself has used those words to describe her daughter but she is touchy and I want her to get the point rather than clouding over with rage

I bit of a lightbulb went off when you said that maybe she needs to be with kids her own age. I'll suggest this to mom if things do not improve and I need to ask her to find alternate care.

She has a friend close to her age here but this other child has a younger mind set while the child im talking about is incredibly smart for her age.

Hey Cadillac,

I thought the body was good. I made a few minor corrections and suggestions that I've highlighted in bold for you to consider. :)


I thought I should send you a detailed update on how ___ has been doing here as I’m sure you’ve been wondering about the details of her day since our discussion regarding her spike in aggressive behaviour.

_______has not put her hands on anyone since and I feel better about leaving the room for short periods of time (to prep snack, take a bathroom break, etc.) She will attempt to use her words when she feels upset but most times she will use her words in an attempt to manipulate or bully the other children, or even me, into getting her way. She will manipulate much like the way you described when she wanted ballerina music in the car. If the issue is over a toy she will do something like tell the child that she just wants to show them a new or different way to play the game. When the other child agrees to this she will simply take the toy and start playing, excluding that child from play. If the other child attempts to regain their toy ______will then yell at them and tell me that they are trying to take their toy or that no one will let her play by herself. She will bully children into getting her way by telling them that she won’t be their friend and won’t play with them unless she gets to do X or be X. When she is either caught in one of these acts or spoken to about how to play fair, share, etc she simply becomes upset/angry and behaviour amplifies instead of being corrected. Time-outs have the same, or worse, effect.

The sticker program has helped for small periods of time throughout the day. Some goals have been met much more than others. Her listening has improved some and she is only a couple stickers away from getting her reward in the category. She has also earned stickers for using her words when upset (only if she has not used her words in a manipulative or bullying way). I find that when I give ______a sticker for playing nicely with her friends, the positive behaviour that I have reinforced quickly diminishes and we will soon have an issue. ______has many stickers to earn before getting her reward for letting her friends have special moments. Her need for attention (deleted the "in my home" cos I thought it came across as angry) is extremely high and it has been an issue I’ve been attempting to deal with for quite some time, without any succcess.

If _____is getting the amount of attention she wants she is happy, giggly, and tends to have great days here. However, I am not able to give this type of attention to her if I am to give all the children the attention they deserve. After the daycare has closed I often feel as though I did not do my job in giving other children attention. I feel like I haven’t sat down with my own child all day, and that ____has suffered a big loss of the type of attention she needs at her age.

_____receives at least twice the amount of attention, twice the praise, and double the quality one of one time as the other children and it still seems to be less than what she needs to be satisfied. We have had many talks about how I must pay attention to everyone, that she needs to let other children be praised without begging for more herself, that everyone needs a chance to talk to me, that she can’t always be the first, that she is great but not better than anyone else, and that everyone else also needs some special ‘Andy time’. After these conversations I feel like I have only bruised her ego somewhat and that nothing has really been absorbed. They behaviour only amplifies.

The other day she told me out of the blue, during some one on one time when most of the other children were still sleeping, that there are too many children here and she doesn’t like it. She told me she wished that they wouldn’t come so that it would just be us dancing together and no one else. She told me that ____can come only if it is _____'s birthday and _______can come sometimes but not all the time (but only because she kinda likes her hair LOL). It got me wondering whether I am able to give ____what she needs in order to feel loved and happy.

My goal, of course, is to care for all the children in my home in such a way that they all flourish. It concerns me when I feel that this is not being accomplished as is the situation in ___'s case. I will continue working with ____ and hope to see some improvement soon. I will give you another update soon and we can re-evaluate the situation then and see how best to proceed."

At her age she needs to be preparing for school and unless mom plans to hire a nanny and have that nanny homeschool the child maybe the best thing would be to have the child move to a centre where there are lots of children but also more adults around. As well they will have access to phychiatrists and others in the mental health field that can work on the child's self esteem. Otherwise there is little chance of this child surviving in a classroom with just one teacher.

In your letter I like what you said but might even leave out the part about time with your own child because it is counter productive since you are talking aboaut this child taking away time from the others in care then it sounds like you want to give just your own child special attention which of course will upset any child. Mom is likely to pick up on that so I would just leave it out.

I think it is good that you are sending the update letter and it will also be invaluable to future therapists who work with the child. Having a nanny is like giving into the child and if they were 2 then there was time for the nanny to get them used to playgroup or whatever but at 4 time is up and there needs to be more drastic steps taken if this child is to survive elementary school.

Thanks guys. I'm currently budgetting in case she decides to pull her children. I have to make sure I can survive a couple months in case I don't get new children right away.


FYI: This is the family I've posted all my problems about (thanks for the support - ie mom that freaks out on my, child that got extremely aggressive) I'm going to spend some more time on the letter. I don't want to give her any 'ammo' and force her to look at the facts.

I'll post the final letter before I send it

My final draft

---- and ----,

I thought I should send you guys a detailed update on how ---- has been doing here as I’m sure you’ve been wondering about the details of her day since our discussion regarding her spike in aggressive behaviour and my suggestion that maybe she needs to be around kids her own age.
-----has not acted physically aggressive towards anyone since and I feel better about leaving the room for short periods of time (to prep snack, take a bathroom break, etc.) She will attempt to use her words when she feels upset or will come to me.
However, most times when she uses her words she will use them in an attempt to coerce the other children, or even me, into getting her way. She will talk to me much like the way you described when she wanted ballerina music in the car. With the other children, threaten not to be friends , not to let them come play with her in her home, or simply tell the child that they are not allowed to play anymore at all. She is often mad when the other children even approach her while she is playing. She will yell at them and complain to me that they are ruining her game or trying to take her toy when they haven’t even touched anything. At times she has told me that the child has hurt her when I’ve been there to witness that no such thing has happened. When she is either caught in one of these acts or spoken to about how to play fair, include others, share, etc she simply becomes upset/angry and the behaviour amplifies instead of being corrected. Time-outs have the same, or worse, effect.
The sticker program has helped for small periods of time throughout the day. Some goals have been met much more than others. Her listening has improved some and she is only a couple stickers away from getting her reward in the category. She has also earned stickers for using her words when upset (only if she has used her words in a positive way and not to get her own way). I find that when I give ----a sticker for playing nicely with her friends, the positive behaviour that I have reinforced quickly diminishes. -----still has many stickers to earn before earning her reward for letting her friends have special moments. Her need for attention is extremely high and it has been an issue I’ve been attempting to deal with for quite some time, without any success.
If ----is getting the amount of attention she wants she is happy, giggly, and tends to have great days here. However, I am not able to give this type of attention to her if I am to give all the children the attention they deserve. After the daycare has closed I often feel as though I did not do my job in giving other children attention. I feel like I haven’t really sat down and spent time with any of the other children and that -----has suffered a big loss in the type of attention she needs at her age. ---------and I have had many talks about how I must pay attention to everyone, that she needs to let other children be praised without begging for more herself, that everyone needs a chance to talk to me, and that everyone else also needs some special ‘Andy time’ too. After these conversations I feel like I have only bruised her ego and that nothing has really been absorbed. The last thing I want to do is continually hurt your child’s feelings or make her feel like she is not wanted in my home because that couldn’t be farther from the truth.
The other day she told me out of the blue, during some one on one time when most of the other children were still sleeping, that there are too many children here and she doesn’t like it. She told me she wished that they wouldn’t come so that it would just be us dancing together and no one else would bug us. She told me that -----can come only if it is ----'s birthday and -------can come sometimes but not all the time. It got me wondering whether I am able to give ------what she needs in order to feel loved and happy.
I love ----so much. She has brought a lot of joy into this house and the last thing I want to do is take away from that. She is loving, smart as a whip, a great big sister and despite everything that is going on, ALL the children jump when ----comes to the door or comes home from school.
What I’ve seen here in the last four or five months is not ------ 's normal demeanor. She’s fun, and playful. She shares and she cares about the feelings of others. Although she has always loved a lot of attention, she didn’t need constant adult attention. I’ve seen long glimpses of ‘this ----' when we are outside and have found some of her friends to play with. She’s different with them than with the children in the daycare. You might have been very right when you mentioned that ------needs more stimulation and I’ve been giving her more challenges during educational time. But I don’t know that that is enough. She had said to you that her favourite days are school days. Maybe she needs to be with more children her own age? I’m not sure.
My goal is to care for all the children in my home in such a way that they all flourish. It concerns me when I feel that this is not being accomplished in ------'s case. If both of you would like to come over for a meeting to discuss the situation and come up with some strategies that might help ------, I’d definitely find the time to do so. I will continue to work with her in the meantime, and hope to see some improvement soon.
I know that this must be a lot to take in. We all love --------and want what is best for her. I’d love to hear your thoughts

could you not do it verbally? You sound nervous that she will leave, leading me to believe that you don't what her to....?? The letter sounds like an altimadum (whoa, sp??) If you feel like the best thing is for her to leave, stick to the letter, but if you really want to get mom on board to helping improve, I'd ask to sit down and talk mom to mom with no kids around and say everything in the letter, but verbal come across differently...

I think it's a fantastically worded letter. Well written, and you highlight the issues without attacking the child. This can be hard to do, especially when we are frustrated.
One final question.... Do you want her to stay, or are you asking them to go? That's the only thing that is ambiguous from my point of view.
IF you are essentially terminating her, then I think that needs to be clearer. So instead of ifs and maybes about her being in an older kid program, it needs to be "she MUST" be in a different placement.
If you are just looking for one last appeal to the parents for help in this matter, then I think you are okay. Have a conversation that says "If there is no improvement by X-date, she will be moved out of this arrangement". And be prepared for mom and dad to pull them at any point.

Sitting down with mom is not an option. She is extremely emotional and has an extremely short fuze. She's stressed out with life right now in general. sitting down with her wouldn't go anywhere. Her husband needs to be there when she hears negative new and she needs a while to process. This is why I'm sending her a letter before attempting to sit down with her.

I already got an email back that was quite positive saying that I was on point and that we will chat next week.

I'm not sure what I want to do with this family yet. But, mom needed to know that there were serious issues going on so we could discuss them and find solutions. If she improves I would love to keep her. Chances are though that it won't and this letter gets the ball rollin so that termination isn't a total blow.

I'm willing to work within mom's sensetiveities so that if we part ways . . . we both walk away feeling good.