Any tips to help a new one settle in?

I have a new little guy (14months) that has started full time this week. He came for some transition days over the last month, staying a few hours each time. He seemed just fine and jumped right into playing with the other kids and toys. Now this week he has been here full days and is miserable! He cries from the time he is dropped off until he is picked up. Grandpa came and got him at noon today, since he was crying when mom called to check in at lunch time. He just stands at my front window looking out and crying, or lays on the floor there. He refuses to sleep or eat. Mom says that he is a bad sleeper at home too, and to let him cry and he would eventually fall asleep. He cried for 2 hours (off and on, no sleeping). He has not smiled once for me, and the other kids are asking why he cries all the time and never smiles! Mom said last night he took 45 mins to smile for her after she picked him up. I've never had a child was has had this rough of a time transitioning to care! Some of the little guys have had a few tears when mom leaves, but they are always easy to distract with toys and eager to see what the other kids are doing. This guy just goes and stands by the door or window crying. I've tried to pick him up too, which stops the crying for a minute until he realizes that I'm not going to carry him out to front door to mom or dad and we are going to actually go play, eat, etc. Then he starts screaming and crying again; wants down and goes back to stand at the door. He has no blankie or anything he is attached too, to bring along with him. I feel terrible he is so upset! Going to call mom tonight and see if she has any ideas, but would love some hints or reassurance from you all too :)

Some children just take longer to settle in. I would not have him picked up early again in case he learns that if he cries enough, you will have someone come pick him up. I would just let him be, he should eventually come around. I would try to encourage him to join in with whatever the other children are doing, but don't force it. With the sleeping, just keep doing what you are doing. He will eventually settle in and learn that he is in a safe place and he will eventually understand that when it is nap time, he has to sleep/ be quiet.

Good luck! Transitioning children is never fun. I have to transition two new little ones this month, so I feel your pain.

Thanks :) I didn't ask for him to go early, mom wanted to do it. I don't know them well yet but I have a feeling that they have always come back for him if he cries. And he has never been with anyone besides parents and grandparents. How can you tell if the kid needs more time to adjust (ie shorter days) or if he just needs some tough love and has to get used to the full days?

I'm transitioning a child of similiar age and he is doing similiar behavior. I wouldn't worry a bit about it. The way I see it is that he has the right to express his little feelings and they don't have a thing to do with you, your home, your care. It's how HE feels and crying is the only way to express it.

The only thing I would do differently is that I wouldn't allow him access to the window at all. I also wouldn't pick him up at all. If he wants to be close to you he can come to you while you are sitting on the floor. Don't ask him to or encourage him to. Just be on the floor for the other kids to hold them and if he comes, he comes... if he doesn't .. he doesn't.

I would also have him have his own area to express his feelings if the noise level gets to affecting you or the kids. They have a right to calm and fun airwaves so if he needs to express himself loudly then let him have a safe away place to have at it.

Don't worry about his eating or smiling. He won't starve in the short time he is with you daily and he can go five years without a smile and end up just fine.

Just do what you do and allow him to join in when he's ready. Just provide a good environment, good food for him to reject, a warm place to sleep and be comfortable, and a sunny disposition. If he says "no" to that then accept it and don't try to change it. He doesn't need his own adult to keep his happiness minute to minute. He has to find that within what you offer in group care.

We stress WAY too much about the opinion of babies. They are new to the planet and they do not know what is best for them. Their reactions are often way off of scale of what is happening and they "want" for things that are not good for them or they can't have because their parents aren't able to provide it. The truth is that he is in a safe place, has his basic needs met, you come in peace to him and he still says "no". Honor and respect his "no" and stay out of it. :yes:

Well if children have never been with anyone else how on earth to the parents think the kid is going to react? If they pick him up at every whimper then of course he's going to continue crying ... He's been programed to know that is what works .... Hopefully they will work with you and start letting him fend for himself a bit .... Not carrying him around, putting him on the floor to play by himself, stop entertaining him and coddling him.

I would put him in the playpen and walk away , put him down first so he has a chance to cry it out before the others go down and put on some music or something to muffle the noise. For the rest if the day just let him stand there and eventually he'll stop crying and join in and I guess it will depend on how much the parents are helping as to how long that will take. Good luck it can't be easy listening to a crying baby all day.

I had a new little guy start yesterday and he cried all day, except he's a good eater by the look of it. He only slept one hour. But I insist on full days so the new children learn our entire routine. He's starting a few days a week, which is also not good because I think they need to be in care at least 3-4 days a week to adjust quicker. But the Mom is still on mat leave and I respect her wishes to be with her child as long as possible. (Ouch to my income though!)

Be patient, every child is different and some take longer than others to adjust.

Thanks for the replies....so the parents want to try a week of half days to see how that goes. He came for 2 hours today and cried the entire time. IMO, it wasn't a sad cry but a ticked off cry that his parents had left and I didn't let him stand and stare out the window or lay by the front door crying. I had him come downstairs to the play area with the other kids and offered him toys, then let him be. He wouldn't come near me or the other kids and just screamed. Not crying, but screeching. Every time I brought him back down (he kept trying to 'escape' back to the door) he would up the screaming. Dad was quite insightful at pick up, says that he realizes they have created this behaviour since they never exposed him to play groups, other kids or other caregivers and that they want to try to work through it but are having a hard time with feeling bad about him being so upset. He said that yesterday after he picked the boy up at grandparents (who mom called in to bring him home early) that the boy seemed more mad than sad too, and that he didn't want to come to dad, and when dad picked him up, boy hit him repeatedly. I agreed to a plan for shorter days for another week, and then going to full days and just pushing through the tears. It sucks, but I can handle the crying - if the kid is fed, clean diaper and not ill but still throwing a tantrum , they can spend some alone time in the playpen in another room. Maybe that isn't the best, but it really upsets the other kids too, especially my other one year olds who are having a great time playing. I've never had a kid hang on to the screeching after mom/dad leaves, but I am resolute that I won't be able to tolerate it forever. Is the 2 weeks half time/2 weeks full time generally enough time for a kid like this to settle in? Dad agreed that we could 're-evaluate' at the end of the month, as he agreed it isn't fair to their son or to me and the other kids here. No fun for any of us here lately...

Hello,
It will be okay. I used to work in centre care and some infant/toddler children do take some time. With children in my care displaying this behaviour I would let them cry it out but with assurance. For example, give him reassuring looks that tell him he is safe and that mom/or dad will be back to pick him up soon. You may need to verbalize this to him everyday. Also I used to have parents provide a photo of themselves so that the child can carry it around when sad. Great idea to explore options with mom and ask specific questions such what she does to soothe him. She may need to support you by telling him everyday that he will be going to your care and that he is safe. Also, ask mom what he is interested in terms of playing. Does he like bubbles? provide some toys he likes to play with and see if he will eventually gravitate toward them. All the best to you. I used to play soft soothing music in the mornings for my infants and toddlers just help them feel soothed.

Well, they've decided to quit sending their son. Mom emailed me last night and said that he is more whiny and clingy at home (won't go to bed and won't let mom out of the same room as him, etc), so they are just going to send him to stay with grandparents all the time. While I am a bit relieved, I'm also a little sad because I know this poor guy isn't going to get any better about being away from his parents or learn how to interact in a group setting with other kids. I was willing to push through the crying phase (which I'm sure would have ended at some point, although it would have felt like forever) but parents are not. I hate to be judgemental at all (I am well aware that I'm not always the perfect parent!) but I feel like they should have continued on, at least for a month, before caving in to a one year old. IMO they aren't doing him any favors in developing his social skills. Rant done. Thanks for your replies everyone!

Silly parents !!! They are just reinforcing that crying gets results

i had one like this... she started at 12 months and would stand at the front door and cry all day. My only saving grace was that she ate well, but would still cry as she was eating. She did this behaviour for 3 weeks! Yup... 3 weeks of walking to the front door crying.

I made the mistake of taking them outside before pick up one day so mom came through the gate... guess where she stood when we went outside after that day? yup.. right at the gate.

One days she just stopped. We went about our daily routine and if she wanted to stand by the door and cry that was up to her. She had the right to express herself... just like I had the right to ignore it. LOL

She's great now... sleeps 3 hours at a time... eats like a champ... comes to me in the am and says bye to mom... she even walks around her house all weekend saying my name. LOL

Hang in there... it's so hard to see them upset, but it's a process they have to go through. And if mom decides to pick up mid day then all the power to her... less noise for you to deal with in the afternoon. Don't try to force anything... he'll get comfortable in his own time.

Oh! And have a bottle of wine always ready to pop open at 5:30 when all the kids leave... it helps. :)

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Originally Posted by eoinsmom

Well, they've decided to quit sending their son. Mom emailed me last night and said that he is more whiny and clingy at home (won't go to bed and won't let mom out of the same room as him, etc), so they are just going to send him to stay with grandparents all the time. While I am a bit relieved, I'm also a little sad because I know this poor guy isn't going to get any better about being away from his parents or learn how to interact in a group setting with other kids. I was willing to push through the crying phase (which I'm sure would have ended at some point, although it would have felt like forever) but parents are not. I hate to be judgemental at all (I am well aware that I'm not always the perfect parent!) but I feel like they should have continued on, at least for a month, before caving in to a one year old. IMO they aren't doing him any favors in developing his social skills. Rant done. Thanks for your replies everyone!

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We must have been writing at the same time. Too bad you've lost him. It sucks to go through all of that transition for nothing.

First, I never do half days because how are the new children supposed to learn how our days work? They need to learn the entire daily routines. It takes weeks for full-time children and sometimes months for part-time children before they are comfortable with daycare. Every day is a learning process for them and for us. We get to know their signals for hunger and frustration and tiredness so we can make our routines work for all the children. They learn that there is a schedule to be followed and that they don't rule the house like they do at home.

I hope your next clients will be better clients.

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Originally Posted by Momof4

First, I never do half days because how are the new children supposed to learn how our days work? They need to learn the entire daily routines. It takes weeks for full-time children and sometimes months for part-time children before they are comfortable with daycare. Every day is a learning process for them and for us. We get to know their signals for hunger and frustration and tiredness so we can make our routines work for all the children. They learn that there is a schedule to be followed and that they don't rule the house like they do at home.

I hope your next clients will be better clients.

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I like half days but I think they are more for me then the new child. I think half days give me a chance to get to know the child and gives me a break in the afternoon if the child is a problem. I always have drop off happen at the same time. When the child starts full time they just stay longer

That's funny apples & bananas and that's why it's so important for us to give each other our advice. What works for one of us won't work for another and we learn by trial and error in this business, but it's great to have all of the ideas at our disposal so we can try different methods. I tried half days with one client for a few months and it was so disruptive I couldn't continue. So they took full days instead of losing their space.