My first delicate situation

Okay so I have this new family with me since the beginning of the month. Great people great child. I think mom is a bit over protective of her son. She kept saying how worried she was of him starting daycare because he's sooooo sensitve and blah blah blah. He's 2 by the way. Well ... transition to daycare as been easy breezy. He never had a tantrum here so far and I have seen him BITE AND HIT mom. Anyway there were signs that to me at home he may be use to be a little over indulged or whatever the proper term is I think you understand what I am trying to say right ?

Anyhoo I've been very clear with this family that the pick up and drop off NEEDS to be respected. It's a mejor factor with me ... that and appropriate clothing. Anyhoo so far mom has picked up 30 minutes earlier 4 times (whitout notice) now which irritates me because the child already leaves so close to after snack time and I do have late sleepers and lots of diaper changes so I just HATE not beeing ready when a parent picks up. I have nothing to hide I"m just such a perfectionnist and am so organised. I also hate when I have to just give her her child and move on. It's just so impolite ...Anyhoo my problem not hers but I DID mention how much this was important to me. So at first I tough she was just maybe 'checking' on me or was honestly close by and decided to pick up. She is still on mat leave. But today it really bothered me because she picked up while I had 2 18 month olds on the potty, one still sleeping and one still eating...Yeah kinda hectic. I would not have put the 18 month olds on the poty if I new she was coming. ( They just like to sit there to try it out for fun but they do use it ) So anway her son had just gotten off the table to play and he cried he did not want to go home and crouched on the floor. So I picked him up and said that I was sending him home he was ok and did not need to cry. ( In a soft voice) and brought him to her. She was telling him was making her feel bad and all that and was trying to calmly talk it out but he hit her. She really seemed bothered by it however ( The fact that he did not want to leave not the fact he hit her ). It's not the first time he does not want to go home. I did not say anything to her at the time I really did not have time. But later when she left I noticed that I forgot to put his hoody, mits and hat in is bag so I will have to write to her. I want to take this opportunity to tell her to please respect the pick up times and I want to make sure that she does not feel too bad about her soon not wanting to leave. He comes only 3 days per week and until now he has been with her since birth and from what I understand ... has not had a lot of socialising with other kids. I really beleive mom was expecting him to have a difficult time with daycare.

I woudl usually not have ANY problem saying what I feel needs to be said. The reason it is so delicate is that I really fear her anxieties. She has mentionned to me some 'emotional problems" she has but I never got to the bottom of it as I needed to end the conversation to tend to my own kids and really don't want to know :blink: Anyway I do not want to offend her and still want to give her the benefit of the doubt because I have had no problems with them but I do want to stop it before it gets worst.

Any suggestions as how I should bring it up in my e-mail about the early pick ups and what I can say to reassure her about her son not wanting to go home ? Do you see any possible red flags here ?

Thanks for your time on my long post :0)

I would just ask her nicely to let you know if she's going to be early. Explain how things can get busy sometimes with all the young ones so you'd like to know so you can have him ready to go.

My rule is that people cannot pick up their children until after 3pm so that the children's naptime is protected but I prefer parents to pickup after 3:30 because it's such a busy time for me with diaper changes and snacktime at 3ish. I agree with jazmic that you should tell the Mom that it is too difficult to have her coming at any other time than the one you arrange with her because you are too busy and you really need for her to respect that rule.

Hey, perhaps she was worried the separation was just as hard on him as her so she came to get him early and then he didn't want her? That would hurt my feelings too as a mom, emotional problems or not. If daycare is new to her after having her son for two years to herself, she might be the one that needs transitioning, not the kid. I had one that had real trouble letting her son go. She seemed really hurt the day at dropoff he reached for me and ran to play without a hug or kiss goodbye. I went right back to her and said "I know it's hard to leave him, but isn't it easier to picture him happy like this all day? He's just showing you that he agrees with your choice." When you put it that way, it still leaves her in the driver seat as the parent because she is the one that picked you, but leaves you free to do what is best for the child during the day. I don't know, it worked with my parent and she had some severe anxiety over leaving her kid too!

Ladybug I really do think you are right about that. She is having a hard time that's why I do not want to give her a hard time. I just wanted to make sure I would get my poitn accross and also comfort her. They are good people but I've let one family slide about my rules and regreted it. When you read on this forum one thing you learn is to be firm about your own rules or people will walk all over you. So I really dont want to bend anymore.

Thanks everyone for your advice.

This is a sensitive situation.

I would maybe just ask her if she's going to be early to pick up... or "what time would you like xXXXX ready today? " And if she hesitates or questions you just let her know, you like to have XXXX ready for her so he goes home clean and full and happy. Sometimes during pick up you are watching children on the potty, some are at the table etc. And sometimes it helps children who are more sensitive to know what's coming next. When you say "time to go play" and mom shows up the expectation has changed and it can be upseting to sensitive children.

Let her know that you acknowledge there are some concerns and you are doing everything you can to make sure he feels calm and comfortable at all times.

pick ups and drops offs are the worst part of my job. I wish they could just slide their kid through a slot at specific times and I wouldn't have to deal with anyone. LOL However, I love it when parents come early. I have a great foyer in my home so I'm able to leave the door open when I'm expecting parents and closed when I'm not. If it's closed they ring the door bell, if it's open they come on in and wait for me. So, if the door is closed they konw I wasn't expecting them and I can comment "oh, you're early, I wasn't expecting you, we're not quiet ready. Give me a minute to get everyone together" If they show up early they wait for me.

You just tell her (and all parents) that pick ups can not occur before a certain time. I have a rule that no one can pick up before 3pm. Lots of providers have these sorts of rules for exactly the reasons you stated above.

Yup, exactly what Judy stated. I have in my manual that parents cannot pick-up between 1-3:30 p.m., and if they would like to pick up early just send me a text message on my cell or give me a quick call.

You never know what I could be doing that close to 3:30-4ish every day! Changing poopies, putting kids on the toilet, getting snack ready, etc.

If she can't respect that, what else is she going to disrespect?! Deal with it now, and fast!

She also needs to be told what the situation is from her child's standpoint and that what she is doing is actually doing more harm than good. The children learn the structure of the day and what happens next based on the usual cues. When something disrupts that pattern it can set off the rest of the day for all of them. The child went down for nap expecting to get up and have the snack you were discussing at lunchtime with his friends - now that is gone, child was expecting to do the craft or go for a walk later in the day and now that hope has been crushed. Yes the child loves spending time with the parent but at the same time they need to know that what they are told is the truth and that adults keep their promises. Mom continuously dropping off late or coming early means child misses out on the promised events. In fairness to the child so that you can prepare him the mom needs to call. Even just a quick heads up as she nears the house means you can let the child know that mom is coming early and how lucky he is so that he is not overwhelmed and shocked when mom comes and it isn't time. It also means the other children are prepared for the parents arriving out of order. When you put it that the child needs the call and heads up she is more likely to do it.

I love when parents come early, but I take control of the situation. I look through the peep hole to see who is at the door and if I am busy with a child or children I do not answer the door I just shout that I am busy and I will be there shortly, even if they have to wait a few minutes. When I am ready I will answer the door. I will also get the child's coat on and back pack so when I open the door I nudge the child outside to his parent. I do not like the parents just to walk in as this is my home not a centre. The other children will sometimes become upset because it is not their parent that has arrived and this causes some tears so I quickly tell the parent that I have to deal with another child and close the door. I give the parents of very young children a form letter every day that tells them what their child has participated in, what they have played with, nap times and any information that they need to know. If I need to speak with a parent I let them know when I will be available to call them or email them. I have learned the hard way to take control of my business and not let parents dictate what they want. :yes:

Just echoing what other providers said that encourage she pick up the child at the originally discussed pick up time, as it can be overwhelming for a toddler to be picked up right in the middle of a transition time. And just a thought, but perhaps she DOES think she is respecting your pick up times by arriving early, not late.
I agree with everything Apples said!!!