So busy taking care of everyone else and not myself has consequences

Going to open my heart a little. Here goes....

As most of us are, we are caregivers to our families and to others families, and if you are like me you put your heart and soul into loving, pleasing and caring for others. Doing this without balance in life has pretty big consequences which ultimatly have put me in the middle of them.

I am just 30 years old, married for 10 years with 2 of my own children aged nearly 10 and 11 1/2. I have been doing daycare now for 5 years and love to be able to be a part of the village raising the children I welcome into my home. Although their are parents who rub us the wrong way and children who we but heads with as they go through some difficult stages of development, the rewards are so large that it all makes it worth it. I put all meals on the table for my own family, send my kids off in the morning and answer the door when they return after school. I make a great income interacting with children in the most important stage of their lives IMO and am so lucky to continuously play a very important role in their lives. I don't need recognition from any parents to know this. I believe in myself and what I do and I can still get my head through my sweater in the mornings :D

Here's the thing. As so many of us know, burn out occurs, more often if a dcp doesn't take time for themselves. Unfortunatly balance and self-care seem to be the two things in life I am able to even get close to let alone accomplish. And as for burn outs, they occur numerous times a year. Its not just daycare but my commitments as a wife and mother. Not something I can wholey blame on everyone else as I have a responsibility to myself to care for me too. I just can't.

Since September I have been doing an early drop off for a parent at 6:30am. She started with me in October 2010 for 2 months of early drop off as she car pooled and it was only 2 months and she went on maternity leave. She was off work for 18 months before coming back. Now she isn't car pooling but still drops off both kids at 6:30. They are no trouble and as I agreed ahead of time to the early start I just went along with it and sucked it up. Now here we are in November and I am dead on my legs. The days are 11 hours and I don't sit down till 10:00 most nights after dealing with my kids needs and housework.

So this all sounds pretty standard in my mind for a day in the life of a dcprovider. A lot do extended hours and most have families of their own. It is very clear to me and starting to be commented on by others, that it is starting to show on me. I look ten years older as I am not looking after myself AT ALL. If I stop what I am doing for more than the length of time it takes to type a thread on here, eat my lunch or take a bathroom break, I crash BIG TIME. I get hit with a huge wave of chronic fatigue and it is rough. I know its partially beacuse I don't eat well, although I must add I offer a full organic/natural menu for my daycare kids, do not keep processed food in the house and have a vegetarian child, so plenty of healthy choices available. I just hardly eat throughout the day and then order take out at night and binge on the weekends. As a result I am 50-70lbs overweight. My freakin feet hurt all the time and the joints in my legs are stiff very quickly. Unfortunatly bad habits are hard to break even when things are bad.

How did I let myself get into such a state!?!? Anyway, an opportunity has arisen where I have the financial means to take part in a healthy and balanced fitness and weightloss regime 3 mornings a week. This will obviously help with my fatigue, weight issues and as a result I will feel healthier both in body and mind. Only thing is her early drop off is what stands in my way.

This opportunity came up a year ago and I couldnt go for it due to cost but now I can and once again I am face with whether I put myself first or someone else. I know what I have to do for myself but at the expense of letting someone else down is really out of character for me. But obviously putting me at the bottom of the list for so long has not been productive either.

I really just needed to get this off my chest. Maybe I need to get my hands on a good dose of courage and just do it. Thanks for baring with me and my long thread :)

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Originally Posted by bright sparks

....I really just needed to get this off my chest. Maybe I need to get my hands on a good dose of courage and just do it. Thanks for baring with me and my long thread :)

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Yes yes you do .... look at it this way if you continue you the way you are ~ currently burning yourself out at both ends you will eventually be no good to ANYONE and will be letting down your spouse, your children and ALL your clients .... so what is the 'greater risk' in this decision?

If you know what the obstacle is that is standing in your way of finding balance in your life than you fix that .... do not let guilt guide your decision but logic! If they cannot adjust their hours to make it work there ARE other providers out there who could meet this clients needs it is not going to be the end of the world for them ~ their inconvenience is not worth your HEALTH!

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Originally Posted by Inspired by Reggio

...do not let guilt guide your decision...

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I think this is very much the truth. Thank you for saying the words that I obviously can't bring myself to say or accept.

If you don't do this for yourself there is a great chance you will burn out and stop doing daycare all together... and that doesn't help anyone.

Do it! I have just started a weekly fitness class and I love it! I mean I dread going and I'm sore for 2 days after, but I feel accomplished and I feel obligated to go... which is a good thing.

Don't feel bad for stopping the 6:30am. You're nuts for doing it! LOL At least for 5 days a week. I do it once a week, maybe twice. But that's it. And most of my days end at 4 so I can't complain.

Our emotional health is just as important, if not more, then our physical health.

I was the same as you, working 6-6, having to clean and deal with my own children afterwards and having NO TIME for myself. I can't just up and stop having my hours the way they are because the one family truly does need it to commute to Toronto and back. However, I have told ALL the others they must pick up no later than 5:30. I joined a gym and my classes there start at 5:45pm ( I currently take kickboxing, zumba, kettlebell and work with a personal trainer once every 3 weeks who makes me weight lift) I can honestly say that if it wasn't for this change in my life I probably would have quit the daycare. We HAVE to have an outlet for ourselves and some me time. The family who needs daycare until 6 can leave their child here with my husband until 6 but I leave at 5:30. They agreed that they were comfortable with that and its worked out well so far. Trust me, do what you need to do for yourself.

Wow!!!! Reading your post made me feel like I was looking in the mirror. Every part of the way you feel...so do I! I was just where you are a few years ago, as far as letting the Day Care run you!!! Just like a ton of the rest of us here I'm sure. I too, allowed the needs of all the Day Care families to far exceed the needs that where met for me and my family as well. I since have changed my hours from a wopping 12 hour day!!! for 7.5 years! to a 10 hr day (with the exception of one family, but the child now comes in in her pj's and lays down for about 2 hours each am) and the MOST important thing I learned to do was, "SAY NO!" No more letting the Day Care Parents choose the pick up and drop off, no more being manipulated and made to second guess myself. This is a draining job.....if you don't stop to take care of your self, you will not only burn-out but you will have a ton of resentment along the way. Tell this Mom today that you will be changing your hours, give her a few weeks notice and start taking care of you! :)
You should be really proud of yourself for even considering to do this, now follow through!!!!!!!!

Well then I'm the bitch! I start work at 8am and finish by 4:45 usually but today I only had 2 children here for the day and finished at 4pm. I'm in my 5th year of daycare and have learned to run my business professionally and not to let people walk all over me. People walked all over me all my life so I'm not letting it happen again.

I know my limits and how to take care of myself and what I will and won't do to make a living. Do you really think the people you are giving the most special treatment really appreciate all your efforts? Think about it.

How exciting that you have this opportunity!! Definitely do it for you.

Thank you Brightsparks for your honesty. :) I think your issues hit home with alot of us. Wether it is needing to do something for ourselves, or we are over extending or need to lose weight for our health etc. you have created a few aha moments. I was the one guilty of bending over backwards to accomodate dc families schedules. I put off a trip with my husband because xxxx might not be able to find back up care. Looking back, how stupid was I????? This family also when they left just gave me a"see ya" That was a big wake up call for me to take care of me and my families needs because if I don't who will?
So kudo's to you for realizing this. As the other posters said you do have to take care of yourself. Take the time to reenergize, refuel and unwind otherwise you are going to crash mentally and physically.
You are also so very young. Too young to have the aches and pains. At 30 you have accomplished so much already and believe me as you get older the weight is harder to get off. I go for an hours walk in the evening listening to fast music to keep up the momentum. Whatever you do dear, remember you DESERVE it, your body NEEDS it and you will be a better person for it.:glomp:

Trust me when I say clientns do not remember the extra that we do for them...

You have to look out for you if daycare is truly your love (job wise) then hang on to it, cause if you don't love yourdelf your dck's will suffer, and so will your program... Again speaking from my own life exp. here.

All the best

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Originally Posted by Momof4

Well then I'm the bitch! I start work at 8am and finish by 4:45 usually but today I only had 2 children here for the day and finished at 4pm. I'm in my 5th year of daycare and have learned to run my business professionally and not to let people walk all over me. People walked all over me all my life so I'm not letting it happen again.

I know my limits and how to take care of myself and what I will and won't do to make a living. Do you really think the people you are giving the most special treatment really appreciate all your efforts? Think about it.

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I am a giver and a pleaser to my core. It is who I am with everyone, not just my daycare business but my family and friends also. To most I am sure this is seen as a bad thing as I'm a person who is taken advantage of a lot, but I don't come across a lot of people who are selfless anymore. It seems like a lot of people have been burnt to many times and stop giving a shit all together about others IMO. I am not explicitly saying that I am not taking care of myself as a result of my business, but as a result of my whole life circumstances and not being able to balance. I sure as hell don't let my daycare families walk all over me. If you re-read what I put above about my daycare situation, you would see that the situation is about being at the decision mark and whether I will have the courage to put myself first instead of last. Thats nothing to do with this parent bullying me or walking all over me, because they aren't. I made a commitment and stuck to it and it's only once it has been a couple of months of experiencing it that I have found that it isn't working for me. Not just because of the early starts but also because of the combination of other commitments I have in my life right now. I also don't see myself as giving special treatment. She is paying me a premium for early drop off. I am not doing it as a favour, she is paying me for a service that I offer.

It seems that you are someone who is able to deal with all their short comings and be an amazing mother, daycare provider and live a balanced life Momof4. I know I have a lot to work on.

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Originally Posted by mimi

Thank you Brightsparks for your honesty. :) I think your issues hit home with alot of us. Wether it is needing to do something for ourselves, or we are over extending or need to lose weight for our health etc. you have created a few aha moments. I was the one guilty of bending over backwards to accomodate dc families schedules. I put off a trip with my husband because xxxx might not be able to find back up care. Looking back, how stupid was I????? This family also when they left just gave me a"see ya" That was a big wake up call for me to take care of me and my families needs because if I don't who will?
So kudo's to you for realizing this. As the other posters said you do have to take care of yourself. Take the time to reenergize, refuel and unwind otherwise you are going to crash mentally and physically.
You are also so very young. Too young to have the aches and pains. At 30 you have accomplished so much already and believe me as you get older the weight is harder to get off. I go for an hours walk in the evening listening to fast music to keep up the momentum. Whatever you do dear, remember you DESERVE it, your body NEEDS it and you will be a better person for it.:glomp:

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Thanks so much for your kind words, they mean such a lot to me. Its nice when people can relate to me and help lift my spirit by offering words of encouragement. :)

Bright sparks, I don't judge other people, I just try to help, so don't take offense at my words. I guess I've only seen the worst in people way too many times and I'm too cynical and suspicious. But I've reached a point in my life where I'm determined to cut all of the abusive users out of my life and not allow all their negativite pettiness to bring me down to their level ever again. I hate to see that happen to other people who haven't learned that lesson yet.

I'm very fortunate to be working with wonderful parents and children and I try very hard to be happy every day. Of course we have issues and phases arise, after all they are toddlers. It's really important to be happy, life is way too short.

I think I am at that point to Momof4, but I'm sure you appreciate its a process and my co-dependent behaviours aren't something I can just switch off all of a sudden one day. Baby steps for sure, and this is just one of them. I used to just automatically do things for people without thinking about how it would effect me as an individual. I would always think about the effects on my family but not looking at myself outside of the mother and wife role. Now I am starting to look at things throughout my life a little differently. This one decision will either keep me rooted deeper in this unhappy place right now or give me the ability to find myself and dig out of my situation a little. It's gonna go against my grain, but I think essentially I just need to grow a pair :D

Bright sparks...this is the perfect place to pour your heart out to strangers that feel like friends!! It is very hard to give up the instinct to put others first. One way is to try and change the way you think of things. Instead of feeling guilty for doing something just for you....remind yourself that your family needs you to be happy and healthy, so by taking care of yourself you are actually taking care of them!!!!

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Originally Posted by Wonderwiper

Bright sparks...this is the perfect place to pour your heart out to strangers that feel like friends!! It is very hard to give up the instinct to put others first. One way is to try and change the way you think of things. Instead of feeling guilty for doing something just for you....remind yourself that your family needs you to be happy and healthy, so by taking care of yourself you are actually taking care of them!!!!

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These are very wise words Ww, and It makes me smile to read them. thank you

I'm going to quote Judy here ..... I once read a post she wrote regarding a similar topic and she said you have to look after you before you look after others ..... An example she gave was ... Have you ever been on an airplane and at the beginning the flights attendants go through the safety procedures and they tell you in the event of cabin depressurization to put on your mask first and then attend to the children afterwards .... If you don't look after yourself first your useless to everyone around you......
So brightsparks ..... Put on your mask first !!!!

perfect analogy Crayola kiddies!

Bright Sparks: you and I seem alot alike. We are both givers, doers for others before ourselves. Although you have every right in THIS situation to make the choice to put yourself first, (we all reach a point or many points in life where we DO need to realize WE need to be at least near the top of our list) :) please remember, you are who you are and if you change who you are, you are not true to yourself. Being a giver is an amazing quality, it enriches your life in ways a self-centered person would never dream of experiencing. There are MANY more "goods" about being a giver than "bads", you just have to know when enough is enough. There are many dif personalities in this world. Amoung them, there are givers and there are takers. When a giver lives their life, they give from the heart, they give because it is who they are, they give because they enjoy to give, they enjoy more to see others happy than to be happy themselves. From my very heart, that IS who I am, and I am proud of who I am. Every once in a while though, I come across a "taker", when a giver runs into a taker, the outcome can be damaging to the giver. I have had MANY parents in my daycare experiences who have been "takers", naturally self-centered.....they don't understand the "tickings" of my nature (giver) so....inevitably I get used, taken advantage of, and due to my giving nature, I allow it for a while until I get to the point of emptiness, they have exhausted my tank and my giving is run dry, so to speak. Then I feel used, unappreciated, stepped on....I have to stick up for myself, change a contract, have an uncomfortable convo or in bad situations, terminate. Do I regret being a giver? Not one second....that's who i am. Do i need to realize when a taker has taken too much with not enough give? absolutely! Take your time for yourself, you deserve it. But dont change who you are....like you said a few comments back, this world is filled with too much selfishness, and you don't see selflessness any more. Don't be fooled, selflessness is a beautiful quality. :flower:

kidlove, there should be more Thanks buttons than just the one. It really isn't enough. It sounds like we are very similar in this. I couldn't change who I am if I tried to be honest. I am definitley at a point in my life of self discovery having never really known who I actually am. I know I need to make changes in live to allow room for ME and that I don't have to ask permission for it or even have others approval. A few people have said that if I don't look after myself then I won't be able to look after anyone else and this is so true. I need to charge myself with positive energy through positive changes in order to be able to impact people I come across throughout my life positively. Thank you to kidlove and everyone who has offered me words of wisdom and support.

you have to find that line. The line that says I will do this much for you, but if you take advantage or don't appreciate then you've reach my point where it is now about my needs.

Thank God for you guys and this forum!

Venting to others who are in the same boat. Only you guys truly get what it takes to be a good daycare provider. And how damn hard it is. I've never been as exhausted in my life. Burnout happens a few times a year in this profession...and yes, it is like someone else wrote what I was thinking. :laugh:

Thanks for writing what a lot of us our thinking Brightsparks. And great advice given here. Take the opportunity for yourself and don't look back. ;)

Thank you for posting so honestly...I feel the same often and I don't work as long of hours as you do! I joined the gym months ago, then got busy moving and havn't returned...you have actually inspired me to start going again...like you, I am tried all the time, feel burnt out sometimes and just so busy taking care of everyone and everything that there is no time left for me. I reduced my daycare hours and that helped soooooo much, but it helps to have something that you do just for you. I say go for it! Explain to the dcp's that for your own health you need to do this. Whether or not they understand, only you can do this for yourself...they are never going to offer to stop the early drop-offs because you look really tired. You can do it!

Please let us know when you decide if you want to start the program you described and how you are doing to inspire the rest of us. I know I need to get off my butt after work and go out and walk and exercise but so often I head straight for my jammies. It's important to be healthy and strong and to feel good and yes, burnout does happen no matter what we do. We are women and we give too much.

I officially give you all permission to say, I told you so lol

So here I am, amidst my personal crisis of concience and allowing guilt and selflessness to be the deciders in my business and how to tell this particular parent that I can no longer do early dropoff. How ironic then, that this morning she text me to ask if their was a convenient time we could arrange a get together to talk. I called her immediatly and wouldn't you just know it she wants to give me notice. LOLOL It's not funny from a financial perspective, but the irony of it is just hillarious. Whether you believe in karma, or luck, it seems funny how this happened at this time. No more early drop off clients for me.

We had a good long chat, and I understand that she has found a new provider, who as all new providers, or nearly all, promise the world before they have the experience to know they are walking into a situation where they will be taken for a ride. This parent is a teacher who pays a 50% retainer in the summer, and full money at Xmas and New Year. This is in addition to the early drop off fee and also this is for 2 children. I will not let her drop her days from 4 to 2 as I held the spot for her 2nd while she was on mat leave under the condition that she sent her daughter full time for the duaration of her leave<<<<< stupid idiot I was. Now she has this new provider only doing 2 days, for a lower rate, and charging no retainer AT ALL, and her hubby on Wednesdays which has always been his day off, and her mom two days a week.

Huge lesson learn't here which I will declare first before anyone else, These parents look out for number one. If the provider doesn't look out for herself, then nobody else will. I will definitley still be the same caring and kind giver that I am, but I will make sure that in my business, I stay within the boundaries of my contract and policies.

I officially set my "TAKE ME FOR A FOOL" hat down on the ground and burn it!!

Well, sigh a huge sigh of relief...problem solved! Now get going on your excercise plan and advertise the spots and do not compromise on your hours! Go you!

Hey, I learned all my lessons the hard way all my life! Because I'm like you, I give and give and seem to have run into all the people who would take and take and I completely understand how you feel. But that's life! We learn and we move on and we are wiser becuase of the experiences. Plus, I'm practicing being strong and knowing my limits so that I can be happy. You'll be fantastic.

Oh Brights ... I am sorry that you are loosing this client entirely however I totally believe that when we are truly open to solutions to our problems from within our hearts of hearts because we know we are about to break otherwise that the Universe presents said solutions to us!

One door is closing here so that you can open another one that will better meet your needs and sadly this client moves on to teach some other poor provider that same lesson ~ when you burn your candle at both ends at some point you run out of wax and end up in the DARK .... the trick to success in this business is to learn how to burn your candle slow and steady so that no one gets burned and everyone lives in the light ;)

aww reading your post made me so sad.

You have to take care of yourself. You can't care for others effectively if you are neglecting yourself