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Just wondering what kinds of gifts your "other half" gives you for xmas. And do they give you surprise gifts during the year, flowers, choc, etc., just to say I love you everyday, not just at special occasion time. Having a rough time with hubby right now and wondering if I'm expecting too much as far as everyday appreciation.
we dont give each other gifts, generally. i get the odd flowers now and then but not often. were just not grand gesture kind of people. he tells me he loves and appreciates me every day and that is enough
We do not really so gifts for Christmas however last year he got me a really ugly good and diamond watch which reiterated why I prefer we not DO gifts ;)
I love my man but he's no Romantic Movie man - My man is a MAN if you do not directly ask or smack him upside the face with something he will not do it ... he shows his love in typical man ways ... makes sure my vehicle me is safe, cleans the snow off it, covers me up with a blanket if I fall asleep on couch and stuff like that general kindness type things where he shows he's thinking of me on a daily basis ... once in a blue moon he will do flowers spontaneously or take me out to fancy dinner for no reason but not too often ... if I want flowers or chocolates or something pretty I buy it myself ;)
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Originally Posted by Inspired by Reggio
Yup, I'm with Reggio on this. I've been married 34 years. My hubby is a kind person with a great sense of humour. He shows love by helping me out, making sure the snow is shovelled, my car has an oil change, and he makes a fire when it's cold out. He brings me flowers for Valentine's Day and Mother's Day but doesn't buy gifts otherwise. I've bought my own Christmas presents for years. I wrap them and tease him for weeks about how surprised he will be when he sees what he bought me. It works for us.
My husband and I don't do gifts either. Yesterday he surprised me with flowers and a card just to let me know he does appreciate the things I do, however, that is few and far between. He does help out around the house (even if he does complain about the mess while doing it), and he helps me out with our children. I can't complain. We tell each other we love each other every day and that is good enough for me.
Other than stockings that we fill for each other (even the kids contribute little presents that they make or pick out to them)...my hubby and I have 4 children and very rarely are we lucky enough to get quality time with just us...so we agreed that for every occasion our gift for each other would be something we could do together. This year budget is a little tight...I bought him a Brie Baker, Brie toppings (favourite way to wind down in front of the fire when the kids are in bed)...and I will be making him a whole container of Peanut butter balls (his fav).
Yup, kinda like Reggio and the others ... My husband has the best intentions but never really gets it anyway so I prefer just getting a gift for both of us like a night out or something. His gestures of appreciation are doing maintenance on the car and not complain TOO much about stuff I ask help with :p
I think as women we often get this ideal of the perfect romantic man from the movies and than get heartbroken when we get the reality of Al Bundy or Fred Flintstones or Archie Bunker or whatever asshat normal man was big when you were growing up ;)
I do not want to be held to the ideal WOMEN that the media portrays either with the perfectly quaffed hair and face waking up, the tight little ass and perky little boobs well into their 60's cause they never eat and are more plastic than person and so forth I learned a long time ago to stop holding men up to that Pretty Women Hollywood standard of Romance where the sullen grumpy dude is suddenly going to realize he cannot live without his women and chase her down the street screaming from a limo with flowers in one hand and a total change of character in another ... that just is not real life!
IMO while they are 'nice' for sure there are lots of less 'materialistic' ways to show love than flowers, jewelery, dinner out and so forth ... to me caring enough to make sure I am warm when sleeping, that I am safe while driving, being willing to hold my hair while I vomit and rub my back until I feel better, knowing that he would jump in front of me if danger arose, that he lets me know if he is going to be late or his plans change so I do not worry ... to me THAT is REAL and sustainable unconditional everyday ways to show your love for a partner!
We don't do the gifts to each other here either. It is one way to cut down on the costs of the season in the sense of putting the money into being able to get the kids something off their wish list. Both sets of parents send us money for Christmas and we basically take 1/3 of the total and spend it as we wish - new clothes, treats, trinkets, anything. Then we use the other 1/3 to buy something for the house that of course is shared and it could be a new bedspread, or toaster or lamp or whatever we have been wanting. It is sort of a more practical arrangement than romantic but at least the bills are paid by January.
Before the kids came along and I would say up to about the third baby we did exchange gifts but it was also getting harder and harder with his military career, the kids, the daycare, life in general to actually get some alone shopping time and then you toss in that we moved every 3-5 years so there was always the looming if we move we have so many things we will need to buy - since they don't find out till January if they move that it often became a wait and see thing.
My birthday is end of February and his is beginning of March so we try to go out for a nice dinner then when it is much slower paced. He usually brings me flowers for my birthday. Not that I think giving gifts is a frivolous waste of money but to put so much stock into that tangible item to the point of disappointment if it doesn't come is not healthy either. We have always relied on the little things from baking his favorite kind of cookies to him helping with a household task he doesn't normally do.
Not meaning to stir the pot here as love shown in any kind of way is great, but it makes me kinda laugh that people think that a way love is shown toward them is when their husband changes the oil or shovels the snow and that this is somehow fantastic and all they deserve. Sorry but in my opinion to show love is to show thought. Not in a mundain everyday chore kind of way. I make dinner, clean and basically hold my family together in nearly everyway because it comes with my role as a mother and a wife which were the choices I made when entering this chapter of my life. I care for my family members with love but I don't feel love while doing laundry, making dinner and cleaning the tub, I do them because they are a necessity and I don't have a choice, and I doubt any man changes the oil out of love but because if they didn't it wouldn't get done. It's great and also very important to be appreciated and acknowledged for the roles both husbands and wives play in each others relationships but I do feel that it's important once in a while to show real appreciation for the individual versus the role they play in the family setup. Once again the differences between love and gratitude can mean different things to different people. These are just my opinions.
I get what Reggio is saying and I have actually had this conversation with a few people over the last number of weeks. What we see in the media doesn't exsist.PERIOD. It is dramatised and fantasised which ultimatly sets people up for dissapointment if people try to model their real life on this media BS. It's great for entertainment purposes, but I wonder how many people have arrived home from work to find rose petals strewn all over the floor (always in a perfectly cleaned house too lol), bubble bath in the oversize tub, champagne in fine crystal flutes, and blah blah blah... Really these movie directors have a lot to answer for haha.
I am a needy person in my relationship but don't misinterprate that for someone who is materialistic and can't or won't do anything for themselves. I just need to feel special as an individual, not just as a wife or a mother. It's part of what I need in my relationship and yes with all the media influence I can quite often be left feeling a little flat with my husbands poor efforts. I don't need a bunch of stuff from my husband, however to be made to feel special is something all women and men deserve and all I ask for is something, action or time which has had thought put into it. My husband knows the things I love, my personality and also knows what I dislike, and what will piss me off. I know a lot of women say "MEN!!" to often with a tone in their voices or with acceptance that they are hopeless. I have been married for 10 years and I am under no false presumption that it's all rainbows and butterflies, only that we have to work at it and part of that to me is making an extra effort to make the other person feel special. Doing the dishes for me or tidying up or even shovelling the snow doesn't make me feel special. I appreciate it but I'm not gonna pat him on the back like a child for playing his role in the household.
June was my 30th birthday and my 10 year wedding anniversairy. As my husband is completely hopeless at making a decision when it comes to buying a gift, he knows that I love to eat and I love to walk. He bought different types of cheeses, a bottle of wine and strawberries and took me to Hyde Park in TO for romantic walk and a picnic. The following day he took me to a fancy restaurant as it was a double celebration and both were big and he had flowers ordered and at the table waiting for me. I didn't have anything to unwrap, but he carried out kind gestures that he new I would love and create lasting memories. Last year he bought me a signed copy of a new book I was waiting to be released through a virtual signing. It only cost about $25 and honestly it's the best thing ever and I know he really put thought into it.
For his 40th birthday this year, I arranged a suprise get together with friends. It was a lot of work, but IMO nothing that's worth doing is easy. He was blown away to tears and my hubby is a very private person so even I was taken a back by his suprise and how overwhelmed he was. That was back in October and he is still thanking me for it now.
IME, life get's in the way of these special moments and especially for women, we are not good at putting our needs before others. Work, family, financial commitments and hardships make it very difficult to show a little extra love to our other half. I think as a result, we have to dedicate a little bit of time exclusively to being more creative and resourceful in showing each other love. Happy husband and wife, make better parent's and better members of the world.
I think it would be best to try and communicate your feelings to him in a graceful way. Use a lot of "I" sentences to express yourself. Sometimes, as much as we wish they'd just get what we need, it's a lot easier in the long run for both of you to spell it out simply. I went through a phase like that with my husband who can be very stingy with compliments. We had a very candid talk which was painful at the time, but now I'm so glad we went through that. All the best!
Reggio, I loved the gestures that you described for how he shows his love, but now I see all the ways my husband does, too. Upkeep on cars to keep us safe, he does a lot with the kids and tries to give me a break whenever he can....the little things that say much more than a gift sometimes. He also is good for bringing me home chocolate....too much sometimes. I'll say I have a craving for Dairy Milk or Reese pb cups (luckily all my faves are gluten free:D), but instead of coming home with 1, he gets me a 4-pack. And since I have no self control and he knows that, he must be trying to make me fat! :laugh:
We do gifts for eachother, though, but he has pretty specific lists so he can't go wrong, and he's a surprisingly good women's clothing shopper (I wonder if I should worry about that!?) and since I hate shopping, I love when he does that!
My husband takes care of certain tasks and I have my own tasks. Sometimes if he sees I'm overwhelmed (read bitchy) he will pick up my slack and do some of my chores to help out (and keep the peace) He does his best to try to see what needs to be done, but, well, he is a guy. Today he called to say when he gets home he will make dinner. Great, except we were going to have leftovers (yummy butter chicken). I didn't mention this and just told him that would be a big help. He is trying and means well.
I do think that the small gestures we do for each other do mean alot. I do appreciate when he gets up early to surprise me on a Saturday morning to get me a coffee and western omlete on a bagel. (of course he's so noisy getting up it really is no surprise LOL) and I will sometimes come home with his favorite chocolate bar just because.
As for gifts, sigh.....We agreed to spend 100.00 on each other for Christmas. Of course he wanted a list and I wanted him to do the work and THINK about what I might like. I finally had to provide him with some suggestions and now I think I might need a list from him 'cause I am lost in Canadian Tire.
My point is we all do what works for our own relationships. Big gifts, no gifts, kind gestures the main think is to treat each other like we do love and like each other even though on some days that can prove difficult. :D
For sure ... there are things I 'expect' of my man as part of taking care of the house and doing his share and sometimes I have to nag at him to do those too ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by bright sparks
So shoveling the snow on the sidewalk and driveway is one his jobs but IMO scrapping off my car as well is an 'extra above and beyond' cause a lot of men would not do that they'd just do the 'bare minimum job' and leave the secondary car to the wife when she uses it and well sometimes he will do things like scrap a message in the ice or what not and when he does that I think 'oh what a sweetie he was thinking of me this morning' ... same with taking care of MY car ... yes I expected him to take care of the 'family vehicle' cause that is one of his jobs but when we bought a second vehicle for my daycare and now he goes out his way to make sure that it is always well maintained too and will notice things that I would not ~ like a tire need filling and he will say 'filled your tire this morning cause I noticed it was low and did not want anything happening to ya while you were ' ... so that above and beyond.
I guess my point was that for ME it is the small everyday things that show you are thinking of someone and care about them where you go above and beyond ... there are lots of little ways I go above and beyond in 'my jobs' around the house too ~ he makes his own lunches but sometimes I will hide a 'dessert' in there for him and put a little note in his lunch pail with it, or I will cook a 'special' meal for him of something he likes but I HATE so do not often cook, sometimes I will do his ironing for him ... cause I hate ironing so that is a his job everything I own does not require ironing ;)
I will share a story about my poor friend and her husband around the concept of feeling 'loved' .... they were having a hard time in their marriage and were in counseling talking about this very concept and he said 'you do not show me you love me' and she was like WTF do you mean and his honest from the heart reply was 'you make those boxed scallop potatoes instead of the homemade ones' ... so for him something so minor as taking a short cut in the cooking to save herself sometime to him was a message 'you do not love me enough to make it from scratch' .... LOVE is a peculiar thing and we all feel it in so vastly different ways ... and the point I guess is that communicating what you need to 'feel loved' to a partner is key cause seriously to be feeling alienated from your spouse over something so easily fixable as POTATOES is a free and easy fix ;)
So it is important to know your love 'currency' so to speak ... for my friends husband it was FOOD he felt loved when she cooked home made meals. I know for ME it is physical contact and feeling 'safe' ... my spouse spent 25 years in the Military he is so NOT a touchy feeling type however for ME something as simple as having my hand held or snuggling on the couch or when we are out for a walk and I might not notice a car coming and he will 'move his arm' to prevent me from walking out into its path ... those moments make all the difference between feeling 'connected and loved' and when that is absent from our relationship for any reason than EVERYTHING starts to bug me things that normally would roll off my back so to speak!
The love currency is key! My husband and I were (and are still) figuring this out. He is an amazing thoughtful man, however everything that he did while neglecting the one thing I DID want, ticked me off! Now I did appreciate everything he did but he seemed to have a list that he followed as to what was romantic in his book and that was that. It took me actually having to sit him down and tell him that we had different lists. Once we had both laid everything out on the table without having a fight about it, it became a lot easier to appreciate each other and compromise on our lists. It also helped me to figure out a few more things that he would appreciate me doing. Once I started doing those things, he was a lot more inspired to be romantic!Quote:
Originally Posted by Inspired by Reggio
For material gifts, he LOVES electronics but I usually have to buy something the second he mentions it otherwise he will buy it for himself. It just will not occur to him that someone will buy it, and he'll go and get it for himself on Christmas Eve if he has the money and its there. Drives me nuts, but it's always fun trying to beat him to the punch. He also usually buys me an electronic device that scares me to death since I prefer the stone age and it always turns out to be the exact perfect thing I need. :)