Need some help please! *LONG post*

Hi there,

I run a small daycare out of my home so that I can be home with my DD who is 2. I look after a 2.5yo and 1.5 yo. Lately things have not been going so well and I am unsure of what the breakddown is.

My daughter is an **intense**, but joyful little girl. She has BIG emotions and wears her heart all over her wee body. She is handful without the other two girls around, but with them it has been really rough lately. From day 1 my daughter and the 2.5yo have been like oil and water - just not a match. Even after a year of them seeing each other 5 days a week, they just don't get along. Some days they have a great time together, but mostly not. The 2.5yo is very sweet and gentle, talks non-stop and is VERY keen to do everything my daughter is doing or playing with. This makes my daughter nuts and my daughter goes from 0-60 in less than a second. I've taught my daughter to ask for space, but lately she screams or hits instead. I am torn between trying to encourage the 2.5 yo to play on her own and leave my daughter alone (literally if my daughter just looks at a toy, the 2.5yo starts to make a move for it) or staying on my daughter's case about being gentle and speaking kindly. i kind of go between both with little success...

The 1.5 yo used to not be part of this dynamic at all and was happy to play on her own at my side, but lately my daughter is turning her aggression toward the 1.5yo. My daughter knows that if she screams at the 1.5 yo - even for no reason!! - that she will get a reaction from the 1.5 yo and my daughter almost seems to do it for kicks some days :( mostly tho, she does it when the 1.5 yo is in her space. this is causing the 1.5 yo to be very apprehensive about coming in to my home in the morning. it also means that even if my daughter walks past the 1.5 yo with the most harmless of intentions, the 1.5 yo whines or whimpers in expectation of being screamed at or hit - do i have a bully on my hands?? :(

Initially i was really into the idea of staying home with my daughter so that i could have a say in how her big emotions are dealt with - i am not into timeouts or disciplinarian action - we do a lot of cuddles and talking through these moment. But now i wonder if i've made a mistake by inviting these kids into my daughters space. Most days i am in tears over how these other little girls seem to upset my kid. and i am under no illusions that this the fault of the other girls. my daughter is just as much of an issue, if not a bigger part of it, than the other 2.

I am lost. I love my daughter and i am torn between being her 'daycare provider' and mama at the same time. like yesterday, all she wanted was snuggles on my bed which i did offer in small doses, but explained that i do need to keep an eye on the other girls. i finally told my daughter that i was going back to the playroom to read stories and would she come with me and snuggle on my lap. she refused and cried heartwrenchingly for 4 stories. i was almost in tears by the last book. my heart was broken that my daughter just wanted her mama and yet i chose/had to read to the other girls. have i made a mistake by caring for other kids? does my daughter need someone other than me to structure her day??

sorry this is an epic post...any insight would be greatly appreciated.

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Originally Posted by mamaathome

Initially i was really into the idea of staying home with my daughter so that i could have a say in how her big emotions are dealt with - i am not into timeouts or disciplinarian action - we do a lot of cuddles and talking through these moment. But now i wonder if i've made a mistake by inviting these kids into my daughters space. Most days i am in tears over how these other little girls seem to upset my kid. and i am under no illusions that this the fault of the other girls. my daughter is just as much of an issue, if not a bigger part of it, than the other 2.

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What kind of consequences do you give when your daughter screams at another child or hits?

Time outs work quite well a lot of the time. I am all for positive reinforcement!!! But I personally believe there has to be a good balance. My dd is a screamer as well and when I got a child her age, this kind of behavior started. Not really hitting, but a lot of mouthiness and screaming. The SECOND my daughter started to scream or use unkind words, she went in time out. Now my daughter only needs to be reminded that the result will be time out... she hasn't actually had one in quite awhile for this because she has learned that the behavior is unacceptable and will have consequences.

Yes your daughter sounds like a bully, the question I have for you is what are the consequences for her actions?

After you told her you had to leave your bedroom why did it take 4 stories? If your letting your 2 year old rule the roost now you will be seriously in for it as she gets older.

The 2.5 year old sounds like she needs some boundaries as well, taking toys should not be allowed either. How do you encourage them to play together?

First of all, your daughter absolutely deserves to have her space, so the others are going to have to start learning to play on their own and give her the space she needs. I am going through this with my own daughter...the others shadow her and are on her heels and the minute she plays with a toy they all want it. So now I redirect them and have them wait for DD to finish her turn with the toy.

Second, you mentioned that you don't take disciplinary action, but do you think this is working for you? Hitting or screaming or bullying in any way is unacceptable and there needs to be a CONSEQUENCE for this behavior. By talking and snuggling about it you are actually rewarding the behavior, and giving it attention. I would look into doing time outs. She is older now, she is no longer a baby and needs to have consequences to her actions so that she can establish what the boundaries are.

The thing that caught my attention most about your post was that you said that she just wants her mama and it breaks your heart that you have to do other things and not what she wants basically. I think you need to remember that you ARE being her mama by teaching her that the world does not revolve around her and that she cannot have her way all the time. I know it is hard, but if you feel bad about it then she will pick up on that and she will give you an even harder time. I think, from reading your post, that the problem is in your emotions perhaps more than hers. I say this in the gentlest way and with no judegment as we are all parents trying to do best for these little people we love so much. YOU are feeling guilty and feeling that it is your fault whenever she is upset. This is really not necessary! You are doing a great thing for yuor daughter by staying home with her, but you are also doing a great thing by having other kids in her space so she learns the vital social skills needed to survive in this world. She will have to learn to deal with people in her space, with differences in personality etc...better to learn it from the beginning. I think, in my opinion, you just need to stop feeling bad about this and teach her how to deal with her emotions. You may need to get tougher and use some consequences for bad behaviour such as hitting, screaming at the other kids etc. You are doing her no favours by not teaching her social skills. You can do it!

Both of my children have issues of jealousy with the daycare kids sometimes...however, as much as they are allowed to own their feelings, they are not aloud to physically or emotionally hurt another child because of their feelings...I have had to explain to my 4.5yo dd that if these kids aren't here that means mommy has to go back to work and she would have to go to a daycare. My 2 yo gets jealous of mommys time as well...Ive allowed him to go to his room when he needs space or have his special toy/ cup/ book that is only his not the daycares so he doesn't feel so invaded....To be completely honest, your daughter needs to learn to deal with emotions in a more productive way...kindergarten isn't that far away and I think having other children to socialize with and especially children she doesn't necessarily get along with, is a positive thing. There will always be people in childrens lives who they may not like, but they do need to learn a productive way to deal with them. You can't shield her forever. All that will do is prolong the inevitable and cause her a more inability to cope. Good Luck

my struggle with timeouts is 1) i just don't think my kid is receptive to them. she is too strong-willed. i know how this sounds coming from the mouth of a parent, but i was a nanny for 10 years and know the power of the timeout well! but i've met kids who just don't respond and my daughter seems to be one of them. in desperation i have told her to sit on the stairs, but it only makes the situation go from 2 to 13 on a scale of 10. she freaks out more and runs away. and 2) my daughter is just 2 and while she has lots of words, i just don't think she has developed her ability to use them. her temperament is such that she reacts physically first and while yes, this is not an acceptable way to react, i don't want to "punish" her for feeling that emotion. FWIW, i know i am making my own life difficult here by having that view of timeouts and i stand in no judgement of parents who use them. i know we all have to do what works for our kids.

I don't think you have to use time-outs necessarily...but you have to do SOMETHING! You need to find a consequence that works for you and for her or she will get worse and worse. I don't use a ton of time-outs, but for some things I do use them...mainly agression. I have a little one in my care who just turned 2 recently and is almost non-verbal. Yesterday he decided to hit me every time I told him not to do something, so I put him in a booster seat for a time-out each time and had him hug me to say sorry after. Well, today, twice he was about to hit me and stopped himself and hugged me instead...LOL. At your daughter's age, she can learn very quickly what is and is not acceptable behaviour. Hitting is not an emotion and neither is screaming or yelling. They are products of an emotion and they are not acceptable behaviours no matter how she is feeling. You are not stopped her from feeling, but rather stopping her from acting in a disrespectful way.

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Originally Posted by mamaathome

my struggle with timeouts is 1) i just don't think my kid is receptive to them. she is too strong-willed. i know how this sounds coming from the mouth of a parent, but i was a nanny for 10 years and know the power of the timeout well! but i've met kids who just don't respond and my daughter seems to be one of them. in desperation i have told her to sit on the stairs, but it only makes the situation go from 2 to 13 on a scale of 10. she freaks out more and runs away. and 2) my daughter is just 2 and while she has lots of words, i just don't think she has developed her ability to use them. her temperament is such that she reacts physically first and while yes, this is not an acceptable way to react, i don't want to "punish" her for feeling that emotion. FWIW, i know i am making my own life difficult here by having that view of timeouts and i stand in no judgement of parents who use them. i know we all have to do what works for our kids.

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my daughter cried in my room alone for the duration of the 4 stories i read to the other girls. by no means am i letting her rule the roost. she hears 'no' a lot and has quite a few boundaries.

the idea of them playing together is a good one and i am researching games that we can play as a group - a few of which they seem to enjoy for as long as a 2 year old can. another thing that has been helpful is having them share snack with each other. they all take turns handing out crackers or fruit to each other - they love it.

Agree with Sunnydays. What you do and how you react will have more of an effect on the situation than anything else. Just because you stayed home with your child does not mean she needs to be attached to your hemline all day long or that you are her servant there at her beck and call. You also have a job as a daycare provider. Maybe if you started doing that job more purposefully your daughter would come to realize that she needed to either be alone or join in your fun with the other girls. With you involved there is less chance for conflict in the sense that you can intercept before it happens. Start by playing games with shared parts like all working on a big tower or dancing to music.

The success of the hoolahoop space designation shared again today might be a good thing to try.

The two daycare kids are now close enough in age to start doing things together and excluding your daughter and as mean as it sounds you might want to encourage that to help her see what it feels like to be alone while others have fun. You MUST stay out of the play though as you are the observer not your daughter's playmate. She then has the choice to play alone or join the others. If she plays alone fine at least it is quiet and safe for everyone and then you can focus on ways to integrate her to the group.

We are not responsible for whether our children are happy or not. We are only responsible for setting them up for success. What they choose to do or not to do is up to them. IF she is miserable is from her own choosing and only she can choose to act properly and play nicely. I am not a fan of time out as such but for sure they would be playing in separate spaces till they learned some toleration.

I think in a round about way you are asking if you made a mistake by doing daycare. I think right now that you have made a good choice because you have been able to identify a need that your own child needs to work through and she needs the safe familiar environment of home with you there to support her to work through her issues. But you have to take your emotions off your sleeve and pack them away for a few months so you can help her deal with the social issues of other children.

I do agree that time outs do not work for every child... for example, my 6 yo ds. He has special needs and his temper can be an issue. What works for him is losing toys or games. Just recently he let his anger get the better of him, and decided to throw his nintendo ds, cracking the screen. He lost electronics as a result. Now he needs to work to earn that privilege back.

I understand that may not work for your daughter either, especially as she is so young... but as it's been stated there has to be some kind of consequence.

As for the other kids respecting her space, as the other ladies said, this is also a must. Some people just need more space than others and there is nothing wrong with that.

Well, you asked and I will give you my honest opinion. Your daughter sounds like a bully who is accustomed to getting her own way and never paying any consequence for it. She needs to be disciplined for her actions.

Here's the thing with your own kids when you are running a daycare - while you want to make the day great for YOUR kid because that is the entire reason for your doing daycare in the first place, you still have to protect your BUSINESS. If your kid is so undisciplined that she runs off all of your clients then you might as well just put your own kid in daycare and go get a job outside the home. You know?

I think it is great that you recognize the problem. Heck, most dcparents think their kids are perfect angels and could NEVER even get to the point of recognizing a problem as you have. But the thing is you MUST discipline her for her actions or she will only get worse.

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Originally Posted by mamaathome

..... my daughter is just 2 and while she has lots of words, i just don't think she has developed her ability to use them. her temperament is such that she reacts physically first and while yes, this is not an acceptable way to react, i don't want to "punish" her for feeling that emotion.

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Here is where you are misguided. She is NOT being punished for her emotions. She is being punished for lashing out at another kid or not staying in her time-out. She can feel any emotion she wants but she STILL has to suffer the consequences of her ACTIONS. She's two and she knows better.

It's not your job to make another person happy - happiness is something the individual CHOOSES to feel. As parents we need to stop owning the happiness of our kids to the extent that we fear them and don't do our job as parents. And that job is to raise an independent, compassionate adult who is considerate of OTHERS and not a selfish, narcissistic brat. Harsh words but just look at the people out there these days. Our emotions are OURS and no one else can own those or make someone else feel them - and yes, not even a two year old.

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Originally Posted by Judy Trickett

It's not your job to make another person happy - happiness is something the individual CHOOSES to feel. As parents we need to stop owning the happiness of our kids to the extent that we fear them and don't do our job as parents. And that job is to raise an independent, compassionate adult who is considerate of OTHERS and not a selfish, narcissistic brat. Harsh words but just look at the people out there these days. Our emotions are OURS and no one else can own those or make someone else feel them - and yes, not even a two year old.

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I just explained this to my ds after the nintendo incident. I told him that he was allowed to be angry, that he has the right to feel angry. But I also explained to him that he did not have the right to damage things or have inappropriate behavior because he was angry.

Somewhere along the line children need to learn how to manage their emotions. Again they have every right to feel the way they feel, but they do not have the right to lash out and hurt people.

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Originally Posted by JennJubie

I just explained this to my ds after the nintendo incident. I told him that he was allowed to be angry, that he has the right to feel angry. But I also explained to him that he did not have the right to damage things or have inappropriate behavior because he was angry.

Somewhere along the line children need to learn how to manage their emotions. Again they have every right to feel the way they feel, but they do not have the right to lash out and hurt people.

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Exactly! Case in point.....I hate my neighbour. HATE HIM! He is rude, inconsiderate and a total ass-hat. What I really, REALLY want to do is go over there and punch him in the throat - yes, he makes me THAT angry. And even though I feel that strong emotion I check it at the door when I walk outside my house so I do NOT actually punch him in the throat. And I started learning to control my emotions when I was young, just like these toddlers we speak of. If we do not have years and years of practice then we are suddenly 20, 25 years old and in JAIL because we lashed out.

As has already been said, your daughter needs consequences. It also sounds like she may need to start developing some self regulation strategies e.g. deep breathing, walking away if upset, talking about her feelings, taking a break, having a drink of water etc. Help her find what works with her then coach her to do so. Have all the kids practice these strategies as this is good for all to learn. When we do "if your happy and your know it" my kids all know our version which has to do with this e.g. "if your mad and you know it take deep breaths." They all coach each other to do this now when upset. You can also incorporate yoga and meditation into your day with the kids to help teach this regulation as well. Lastly, as other have mentioned you need to actually change your focus to focus on your job first. that may sound contradictory as you are home to be with your daughter but this will actually help her to fall in line so she can be with the group. Have the program become more structured and balance your time more between the other girls. She cannot have your attention every time she needs it. Imagine life with a sibling! I would also recommend you don't do the cuddles in bed during dc hours. This can be reserved for the evening or special 1:1 time before her nap after the other girls are down.

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Originally Posted by JennJubie

I do agree that time outs do not work for every child... for example, my 6 yo ds. He has special needs and his temper can be an issue. What works for him is losing toys or games. Just recently he let his anger get the better of him, and decided to throw his nintendo ds, cracking the screen. He lost electronics as a result. Now he needs to work to earn that privilege back.

I understand that may not work for your daughter either, especially as she is so young... but as it's been stated there has to be some kind of consequence.

As for the other kids respecting her space, as the other ladies said, this is also a must. Some people just need more space than others and there is nothing wrong with that.

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Removal of privileges works great with my son, too... and he still will be 2 years old in June... He understands very well that if he misbehaves he will not see his favorite cars for a while... I agree with the other ladies, not one is punishing their emotions. We are teaching them boundaries and self-control. You can acknowledge her emotions, but still a consequence to bad behavior is needed and consistency of course.

this was my child also .....he was mean, and he was a brat !!!! he hit, pushed, bit, and threw toys at other children.....time out did not work for my child....what did work was removing him from the situation and taking him to his room . I plopped him in his crib and told him I would be back. I left him there for 15 mins or so. when I returned I would ask him "are you ready to come out and be a good friend?" sometimes it was yes and sometimes it was no in which case I left him there. he is much better now thankfully since he is heading to jk in sept (110 days not that im counting). but there was always a consequence because while you are allowed to feel what you feel you are not allowed to take it out on someone else. your daughter needs consequences for her actions or this is only the beginning.

If a non verbal 18 month old can understand boundaries and time outs don't tell me a verbal 2 year old can't. You need; just like other posters said to take your feelings out if the equation if you want to raise a well rounded child.

Your daughter is ruling the roost she accomplished exactly what she wanted during those 4 stories. She made you feel terrible and she allowed you to question your decision for doing daycare. Anyway you want to put it its control.

My DD is sent to her room and is not even acknowledged until I hear complete quiet, I determine the time line not her.

When it comes to our own children its hard to not take things personal but as loving Mothers we owe it to our kids to detach our feelings and needs above there's.

i'm not saying she can't understand, i'm just not willing to wrestle her into a timeout at 2 years old. in my opinion, and what do i know other than my own kid, she is too young. i appreciate and love the suggestions of games for sharing, the hula hoop idea is awesome and will be implemented, and i love the 'if you're mad and you know it take a deep breath' song, but it is just not my parenting style to crack down on my 2 year old who may become a hardened criminal if i'm not careful?!? she is 2 and is learning to deal with a lot - sharing her whole home, all her toys and her mama ALL day. this is her space in the morning, in the evening and all weekend. yes, it is a daycare, it is a business, i get that. and the idea of more structure in that direction is a good one. i'm not trying to get around that. but to detach my feeling from my 2 year old?? i'm baffled to be honest...

When we open a home daycare we open a business in our home and need to treat it and our clients as such. Whether you have children of your own or not you would run your business a certain way, have certain expectations for the children and consequences for not following those expectations.

During daycare hours our own children become one of the group and are expected to act accordingly. My own kids grew up with two rule systems - daycare rules and familytime rules just as our daycare children can live under our rules at care and their family rules at home evenings and weekends.

Another option is to consider separate play areas using the large play yards with 6-8 sections to divide the room into three places and then the children accordingly into two places and it may mean daycare kids in one and your daughter in the other - the third area is for you. Your job is to supervise both play areas not to play in either one.

Children become social at different rates too. By the time your child is 2 2/1 that will make the others in care 2-3 years old. If you are still experiencing problems and nothing we have said here today has worked - please try some of the suggestions and not just make excuses - then you may need to seek professional help for your daughter to find out what it is about being social that she does not enjoy. There are children with special needs that do not have the capacity to grasp what it means to be a friend.

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Originally Posted by mamaathome

i'm not saying she can't understand, i'm just not willing to wrestle her into a timeout at 2 years old. in my opinion, and what do i know other than my own kid, she is too young. i appreciate and love the suggestions of games for sharing, the hula hoop idea is awesome and will be implemented, and i love the 'if you're mad and you know it take a deep breath' song, but it is just not my parenting style to crack down on my 2 year old who may become a hardened criminal if i'm not careful?!? she is 2 and is learning to deal with a lot - sharing her whole home, all her toys and her mama ALL day. this is her space in the morning, in the evening and all weekend. yes, it is a daycare, it is a business, i get that. and the idea of more structure in that direction is a good one. i'm not trying to get around that. but to detach my feeling from my 2 year old?? i'm baffled to be honest...

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Well, if you already know the answers then why pose the question? You came here asking for advice because nothing you were doing was working. You got some great advice from some seasoned parents and dcproviders who have literally worked with hundreds of kids.

My guess is your daughter is the way you described because you are not willing to PARENT her in a manner that is appropriate to preventing and working on the exact type of behaviour you describe. If you want to REALLY know why your daughter is acting that way then you need to look at YOURSELF and what you are or are not doing to support that behaviour.

Obviously what you are doing isn't turning out the type of child you want.

It's to bad that you don't understand what I'm saying but give it another year and you will. I didn't say not to love your child but when choosing to do what's right for her take yourself out of the picture mentally. From your response I can see you are an emotional person.

I'm not trying to hurt feelings but just giving advice which you ask for by the way.

http://www.parents.com/toddlers-pres...without-guilt/

Good luck and I hope you can find a solution through this post.

i appreciate everyone's input. i posed the question to get suggestions like the ones i listed in my last post. i made it clear that my daughter isn't receptive, nor am i interested in, timeouts or disciplinarian action. which is why i am going to try the other suggestions i got. my feelings aren't hurt, altho implying i have a specific 'type' of kid i want and parenting her that way is offensive - she is who she is and i am doing my best to nurture her as such, but it seems clear that my parenting style is just different. thank you again for your time.

so what your saying is that when your dd starts to hit and scream she doesn't have consequences. Lady you are in for a rude awakening (I'm a seasoned mom and provider) so your letting your dd get away with it, but what about the other children, when they start to act out what are you going to do.
basically what you want to do is reason with a 2 yr old. It aint going to work. Also when my kids where younger they had the same rules as the dck's. Maybe thats what you need to do. Also, the parents are going to start to realize what is going on in the house, so your going to have to decide if you want to parent your child or let your child do as she pleases.

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Originally Posted by momofnerds

so what your saying is that when your dd starts to hit and scream she doesn't have consequences. Lady you are in for a rude awakening (I'm a seasoned mom and provider) so your letting your dd get away with it, but what about the other children, when they start to act out what are you going to do.
basically what you want to do is reason with a 2 yr old. It aint going to work. Also when my kids where younger they had the same rules as the dck's. Maybe thats what you need to do. Also, the parents are going to start to realize what is going on in the house, so your going to have to decide if you want to parent your child or let your child do as she pleases.

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I also think that as a parent I would NOT want my child in the daycare of a provider who allows her own children to do whatever they please with no consequences. Eventually her OWN child will become the daycare liability.

Mamaathome....what I want you to consider is that you are setting up your child for unrealistic expectations in the world. The world has consequences. I know she's "only" two but if she is old enough and smart enough to figure out that she can do what she wants with no consequences then she is old enough to understand the consequence. You are setting your child up for failure. What's gonna happen when she goes off to school and hits a kid?

I know you likely think we are picking on you. I assure you, we're not. But you see, we see ALLLLL kinds of kids and, sadly, as the years go by there are more and more kids coming into our daycares who have home lives of NO consequences. These kids are the worst kind because they have no real grasp on the realities of not being the centre of the Universe and that other people matter too. These are the kids that daycare providers complain about on daycare forums. These are the kids that no one likes - because it is HARD to like someone who is narcississtic and spoiled and think they are the only one who matters. Trust me, you don't want your child to be the one who isn't liked.

You WILL be in for a rude awakening if you don't start putting your foot down. Your child is worth it.

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Originally Posted by Judy Trickett

I also think that as a parent I would NOT want my child in the daycare of a provider who allows her own children to do whatever they please with no consequences. Eventually her OWN child will become the daycare liability.

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The whole time I am reading the replies in this post, I am thinking, if I were one of the parents of the kids in this child care and I stumbled across this and read this, I'd be running over there and pulling my kid out of that situation so fast!

I would never want my child to witness that kind of manipulation of an adult ever.

OP, you are definitely in for a rude awakening. Maybe it's a good thing you are a child care provider because if I had a parent in my care who refused to allow their child to suffer the consequences of her own actions and continually made excuses for it, I would term them immediately and without feeling badly about it.

Your DD is behaving as a bully and you are letting her. If time outs don't work, then it is YOUR job to figure out what will work. She KNOWS you feel bad/guilty and she is playing you like a fiddle. Too bad you aren't as quick to see this as she is. :(

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Originally Posted by Judy Trickett

My guess is your daughter is the way you described because you are not willing to PARENT her in a manner that is appropriate to preventing and working on the exact type of behaviour you describe. If you want to REALLY know why your daughter is acting that way then you need to look at YOURSELF and what you are or are not doing to support that behaviour.

Obviously what you are doing isn't turning out the type of child you want.

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Those words from Judy are very hard to take as a parent, but very true! When my son was hitting and biting at 18 months old someone told me the same...and after feeling angry and attacked I started to really think about it... Yes, if we look in detail our kids behavior has a lot to do with OURS... I had to change my approach... Currently my boy is a well behaved boy (with some minor infractions, of course). I already had 5 years of experience as a provider when that started to happen and usually my DCK are well behaved (and I rarely used time outs with them), the problem here is that when we are dealing with our own kids we run through completely different emotions. I think this is what other ladies are talking about, trying to be less partial could help in your situation... I'm personally not against cuddles and hugs or showing affection, but still we need to teach them how to behave properly and some disciplinary actions can sometimes be useful such as time out, removal of privileges, etc. If this is too harsh for you, you could start with a gentler approach by acknowledging her feelings and explain what to do next time, to give her a chance. If that is not working then you may have to go with the consequences.

I think it's totally asinine to think we can reason with a two year old......with out consequences this will not get better as time goes on it will get worse. She will get stronger and her outbursts will escalate. And I am a seasoned parent also with 5 children, the oldest is 22 yrs. This doesn't include daycare children. Judy's right you don't want your child to be the child that isn't liked. If time outs don't work then figure out what does .... Your her mother you need to figure out what her currency is .... What makes her tick? There is nothing wrong with giving consequences for bad behaviour. There was no reason for you to feel guilty because she cried for four books ... That was her choice .... she could have chosen to come and listen to the books but she chose not to ....was manipulating you..... This is why you have to take the emotion out if it because she is feeding off your emotion .... You are enabling this behaviour ..... The sooner you put a stop to it the happier everyone will be especially your daughter

Very well said everyone and I agree that children must learn consequences along with praise from the time they are babies. Mamaathome, have you considered that if you give up and try to place your unruly child in a daycare that they will be terminating you constantly? You aren't doing your child any favours by not having firm rules for her. She will always know that you love her. I have to ask you to picture your headstrong daughter as a teenager behaving as she does now. We MUST enforce rules and teach our children to get along with others for their own good. By disciplining you are not being mean, you are being a good parent.

My son has ADHD, ODD, and Asperger's. I know there are valid, behavioural reasons why he acts out, loses his temper... etc. That being said, he still does NOT get away with inappropriate behaviour. He is still disciplined in some way, there are consequences for poor behaviour. Just because I know my son has these issues does not give me an excuse to let him get away with his behaviour without consequences of some kind, it only allows me to understand why the behaviour is happening.

I have always said that the world will not adapt to my son, he must adapt to the world. This is true for ANY child.

Op you need to hear some truth so I'm going to join the majority here and tell you that you are in for a long long ride and it's going to be very bumpy. You are adultizing your little kids emotions and stroking her unstable mindset. You are making a big emotional mama love deal over terrible disrespectful behavior and suggesting that she's so special special that she defies a normal human response by not being receptive to something she doesn't like or want do thus she's immune to needing something she just doesn't want. She's THAT unique. She's the ONE who must have a big song and dance dog and pony show because the hard NO with an immediate consequence is just not to her liking. Be damned whoever comes in between you servicing her special even if that someone is another child.

Knock it off and get real. If you have done ten years with other people's kids you should know better.

You can try to get her to be decent with the other kids and mind your wishes with lots of scenic road paths but in the end you will have what you have now: a badly behaving kid who can't take no and mind the adults.

Grow some and take her on. I promise you will be the ONLY person on the planet who will cry over her dislike of consequences. Once she steps foot into the real world she will not get that response. She will get the response the other kids are giving her now. They are giving you the real truth. You don't need us.

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Originally Posted by mamaathome

i'm not saying she can't understand, i'm just not willing to wrestle her into a timeout at 2 years old. in my opinion, and what do i know other than my own kid, she is too young. i appreciate and love the suggestions of games for sharing, the hula hoop idea is awesome and will be implemented, and i love the 'if you're mad and you know it take a deep breath' song, but it is just not my parenting style to crack down on my 2 year old who may become a hardened criminal if i'm not careful?!? she is 2 and is learning to deal with a lot - sharing her whole home, all her toys and her mama ALL day. this is her space in the morning, in the evening and all weekend. yes, it is a daycare, it is a business, i get that. and the idea of more structure in that direction is a good one. i'm not trying to get around that. but to detach my feeling from my 2 year old?? i'm baffled to be honest...

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Somehow you have made your kids disrespect, disobedience, and physical acting out about YOUR feelings. Can you see that?

My Dad was raised in a small 800 square foot total two level house with his parents and 10 kids. They were one right after another in age. I grew up with 8 people was a tiny bit bigger. I had five siblings under his roof. We ALL had to share that tiny space day after day.... year after year. There was no evenings or weekends when we git our own space, stuff, and adult. We lived that.

Surely your one very small child can manage two very close agemates fir 50 hours a week whilst she has all the other hours as the only child in the entire house space. Her "sacrifice" for the family to do time with same aged girls with her own parent in her own home is quite minimal and very inconsequential in the scheme of normal human beings cohabiting and making it work with great behavior. You are really asking pprecious little out of her and she should be gladly willing to behave and make them welcome in her PARENTS home.