Birds and the bees and an upset parent

posting anonymously

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I had a 6 year old boy in my care. Part time for 3 years until very recently. Boy came to my home after being away for a couple months and all is going fine. He tells me he wishes he was a girl and had a vagina. I was surprised but told him that we are all made the way we are meant to be and listed a few good qualities about each child's personality, he was happy and dropped the subject. Over the course of the next couple weeks, when mom drops him - he is wearing dresses, skirts, pantyhose, hair clips. When dad drops him he wears not clothes. I ask him how cone he's wearing his younger sisters clothing and he says 'because I love it and I am a girl today.' I ask mom what the change is and get the response 'He has discovered he is transsexual. And identifies with being a female now'. This mother recently came out(which is wonderful. I have no issues with straight/gay/bi people at all). I wasn't sure what to think. Can a 6 year old knowthry are/be transsexual? Now I have 3,4 and 5 year olds asking why he now 'is a girl'?' So I tell them he is seeing what it's like to be the opposite of what he usually is and instead we turn the conversation into opposites and they all have fun thinking up opposites. They think its weird hes doing this but accept it. Dad just sighs, shakes his head and leaves when I ask him what's going on.

Later in the day as i am making lunch boy tells kids, 'babies come out of vaginas. Babies are made when penises go in vaginas'. So I bring him into the kitchen and let him know he should keep that info to himself as these kids are too young to understand this. At pickup I talk to mom who says, 'So?! That IS where babies cone from isn't it?!' Well, of course it is but I don't think the 3,4,5 year olds need your 6 year old to tell them that. Mom gets very upset and says kids will no longer be coming to 'such a homophobic, uptight place' and that she 'pitied the children I look after as I am so close minded'. I told her I am sorry she feels that way and wished her all the best. I also let her know I don't have prejudices against what other chose for themselves/are by no choice of their own. I didmt know what else to say. I feel bad that things went this way and I tried my best to be professional but I just don't know what to think. Can a child that young feel the need to be a different gender? I just don't know. Now I have a lot of explaining to do to other dcp

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There a lots of kids who identify with a different gender-- or go back and forth- Sex is what you are born with gender is what you identify as, IMO.

As far as the anatomy, its great that the correct words are being used- for a lot of reasons.

I would just tell the boy that the little ones are not old enough to understand that stuff- but give the parents a heads up they may get questions.

My kids know about where babies come from, but I have a lot of kids-- well the littlest doesn't but he is still mastering walking.

While I always use the correct terms with my ds. I always make it clear that we must be respectful and "understand that mommy's and dad's talk about this in different ways." He nods and says "so you me and daddy talk about this kinda stuff right?" And me and my friends talk about trucks, parks and stuff" and I nod. He then says something like so__________ teaches dck about that? and I say yes....

and he walks off.

Often transgendered teens/adults report knowing when they are 2/3 years old. it is important for parents to support their child as so many kids self harm (e.g mutilate their genitals to become the other gender) because no one understands. Sometimes it is a child just figuring things out for example with outside influences of a parent or cousin who is gay, transgendered etc and they will either identify with this or they are just exploring.

Being transgendered does not mean you are gay. I am not sure why you were called a homophobe.

Gender has to do with the wiring of your brain where as your sex has to do with what's between your legs.

This is a touchy subject for sure as every parent will have different views and different ways of talking to their kids about such things. My oldest son was exactly like this boy...he was obsessed with being a girl from the time he was 2 until he was about 9. I never allowed him to leave the house dressed as a girl, but he explored plenty at home. I personally felt that he was too young to make such a monumental decision in his life and I knew that he would suffer terrible teasing at school if he were to dress as a girl. He is now almost 18 and so far has not come out as being gay or transgendered...thou gh we continue to give him ample opportunity to and express that whatever he is is okay with us. He is a fine young man with lots of friends (mostly girls by the way) and will be starting university in the fall. It is a very tricky thing supporting a child's feelings and wants and balancing with the harsh reality of the world.

By the way, to the OP, I think you handled this very well and the parent is way oversensitive. I wouldn't want my toddlers going home to tell their parents they learned the specifics of baby making at daycare! That is for their parents to decide how much and when to tell them in my opinion.

Yes I agree the op did the right thing :)

I'm sorry but that Mother needs to be reported by CSA she is messing with the poor child's head PERIOD!

What 6 year old knows those words etc...

That is a clear case of abuse, you handled yourself well but that poor child.

What a selfish woman.

Good for you for supporting your child but with that said when you're son was 6 I'm sure he never said I'm transsexual etc... As why would he be exposed to those words etc...

That Mother just came out but her sexuality should not be exposed to her young son.

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Originally Posted by sunnydays

This is a touchy subject for sure as every parent will have different views and different ways of talking to their kids about such things. My oldest son was exactly like this boy...he was obsessed with being a girl from the time he was 2 until he was about 9. I never allowed him to leave the house dressed as a girl, but he explored plenty at home. I personally felt that he was too young to make such a monumental decision in his life and I knew that he would suffer terrible teasing at school if he were to dress as a girl. He is now almost 18 and so far has not come out as being gay or transgendered...thou gh we continue to give him ample opportunity to and express that whatever he is is okay with us. He is a fine young man with lots of friends (mostly girls by the way) and will be starting university in the fall. It is a very tricky thing supporting a child's feelings and wants and balancing with the harsh reality of the world.

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I agree Skysue...I feel it is way too young to plant ideas in their heads. I just let him explore dressing up etc at home and continued to identify him as a boy...never gave him the idea that he could choose to be a girl. He may or may not be gay, but I am not going to let a 6 year old decide his destiny. Yes, if he is gay it will not be surprising and he will say he always felt different, but many children dress up and experiment and are not gay, so I think it is too early to let them figure this out. I know this is all quite controversial depending on people's views. My almost three year old often says she's a frog or a bear...I haven't given her the option of becoming a frog or a bear because she feels like one...LOL. She often pretends to be a daddy and my 5 year old son is the mommy...for some reason they love this game and always choose those roles...but they both know that it will be the other way around in reality. It is pretend! This is just my opinion on it.

Kudos to the openminded people! Yes, a child can know at a very young age if they are gay or transsexual, definitely. However, the adults in their life must respond without shock and with tenderness and understanding or there will be emotional scarring.

But children are innocent and I think that adults tell little children too much. For instance, the labia is the correct language for the visible part on a girl so I don't know why so many people call it a vagina. That's a whole different part of the body that has nothing to do with peeing and doesn't need to be discussed among children. Just my 2 cents!

I feel to strongly about this thread to make a comment directed at anyone in particular other than Momof4 to say ...... I agree 100%. Thank you