How much do you intervene?

In the kids interactions, specifically preschoolers...

I have 3 - 3 year olds who argue and bicker what seems to be non-stop. "My plate is green" " no mine is green" (both have green plates). One will tell the other he's being too loud and before you know it, they're both screaming yes/no back and forth. Do you let them sort it out for themselves? In a way I feel like there's something to learn from it, maybe they'll get better at solving disputes with one another after its said and done? But I usually end up intervening because a) they are screaming, in my house, it's loud, and there's only so much I can handle, and b) I don't want it to escalate into a hitting situation. Is the problem persisting because I step in, or am I intervening the wrong way? What does everyone else do?

In addition, what does everyone do for rough play? Again, I know it's important for kids to explore and use their gross motor skills, and rough housing is how many do that. But someone ALWAYS gets hurt. Then it's the ol' crying, "he hit me" situation.

I'd love to see what everyone else has to say on this :)

No rough play aloud here at all. Like u said it always ends up in someone hurt. But would like to hear about the answers to the other question :-)

I didn't allow my own children to behave that way so I guess I wouldn't allow my dckids to do it. I stop it as soon as it starts and make it clear to children what is allowed and what is unacceptable at my house. But I'm sure my day will come and sometime I'll end up with that kind of children so I'm pulling my hair out too.

I just glare at them with that stern slightly louder voice and say "Excuse me....that is enough". Point is they know and most of the time they are doing it just because.

I let it go for a bit ex the green plates to see if they can resolve the issue and to get a handle on who seems to be the instigator or what is setting things off, ie patterns of behaviour then I step in. By just using the excuse me - and they all know now that means "knock it off now" it just goes away and no one gets in trouble, nothing else happens it just ends there. Don't care who started they are both guilty by that point.

Rough housing is not allowed due to potential for injuries - save it for at home and weekends. A bit more leeway for siblings but just a wee bit before they get the same excuse me warning.

This thread is timely for me, I'm curious to hear other advice! This past month all of my 3 year olds have all of a suddenly turned into little mothers who just go around telling each other what they can and can't do! And my five year old ds is right in there too some days.

I agree about the rough-housing, I just have a hard time with the grey area type things... Like chasing one another. Just trying to find the balance between letting them run wild, and constantly telling them "don't do that."

Has anyone tried a wait-and-see approach with the arguing? I went to a conference recently and one of the speakers had theorized that children miss out on learning to problem solve within their interactions when parents/caregivers jump in to solve it for them. Made me stop me think about how I "let" them play with one another. Just thought I'd see if anyone else takes that approach, or if I'm crazy to even consider it!

Agreed with no rough housing. I have a pair of sisters who want to do it ALL the time. I tell them they can do it at their house, but not here. There are days I feel like the "fun police" no, no no... :P I also allow the arguing for a short while to assess the situation. If it escalates I step in, otherwise I allow them to learn how to solve the problem or assist in solving the problem (does it really matter if you both have green plates? - maybe we should switch them- or how about no plates?). I often like reversing the tables too if they are fighting over who has a bigger piece of food (as an example- can do this with toys too). Ask one of the kiddies to cut the piece of food. They naturally think they will get to select their piece too and will not necessarily cut it equally. However ask the other child to choose a piece first. Quick lesson learned on being fair :) I have watched many faces turn to shock and then I take the time to explain why it is important to be fair.

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Originally Posted by 2cuteboys

I agree about the rough-housing, I just have a hard time with the grey area type things... Like chasing one another. Just trying to find the balance between letting them run wild, and constantly telling them "don't do that."

Has anyone tried a wait-and-see approach with the arguing? I went to a conference recently and one of the speakers had theorized that children miss out on learning to problem solve within their interactions when parents/caregivers jump in to solve it for them. Made me stop me think about how I "let" them play with one another. Just thought I'd see if anyone else takes that approach, or if I'm crazy to even consider it!

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I don't allow rough play. I let them chase each other, but the line is HANDS OFF. Once you connect, then you are too close. You can run, you can jump, you can play, you can explore, but you are not to do it in close enough contact to touch one of your friends. Of course, I have crawlers at the moment, so I am pretty strict about those things. Rough play is for at home. No liability for me at their home. My kids rough play with their Dad after hours.

As for the wait and see approach, I do much like Playfelt. I don't allow it to get to screaming, but try to let them work it out on their own to a point. Still, if it's getting out of hand or too heated, I believe it is my role as a caregiver to help them sort it out, so I intervene. In my opinion, a lot of the experts have spent much of their time with their head in a book or writing their own and not actually taking care of groups of children. They have a lot of theories, but who knows when they have tested them? So while I am happy to listen to and try out their "wisdom" once or twice, I also realize that common sense also must come into play when dealing with a group of kids, and I also rely on my instinct and life experience. I also know my particular group of kids. With mine, they escalate fast, so waiting and seeing would result in a big problem depending on the combination of who was doing the arguing...therefore I intervene more quickly. However, your kids might be different and you need to trust your instincts and life experience too. Not every theory will work for every group of kids.

Personally I allow the rough housing....there are ground rules though. The kid must be the same age and must be doing it in a friendly and fun manner. The second, it appears to be anything but playful fun, it is over. I also make sure the kids know BEFORE hand that if the other kid doesn't want to play or wants to stop playing, then you must stop immediately.

ALL rough housing is also done outside and NEVER in the house.

As far as the arguing goes I have three rules:
1. NO physical touching EVER.
2. Be respectful (no name calling, no belittling, or teasing)
3. If the person walks away, you can't follow. The argument is over.

I believe one of the biggest skills children miss out on now days is learning to manage social relationships, especially those in which you aren't fond of the other person or vice versa.
I think kids don't know how to hold their own and be able to mediate a situation in which the two people involved don't see eye to eye.

I have a hard time with schools and daycare centers pushing the "everyone is friends" mentality.
We aren't all friends and people don't all have to like each other. We DO have to be respectful and not physical but we don't have to be friends. I think that is such a dangerous thing to teach kids.

I let them argue but I never let it get to the point of bullying, teasing or outright mean behavior. I make sure ALL the kids are armed with the right to walk away, feel confident enough about themselves to disagree with others and to give and get respectful treatment to and from others even when they don't agree.

Kelly P...How do your daycare children understand that it is okay to rough house, which is physical but they aren't ever allowed to physically touch anyone else??? Seems like it's mixed messages there to a group of children who are at an age where they would easily find it confusing to differentiate between when it is appropriate and when it isn't. I understand what you are saying that if they are in a situation where they have to share or aren't getting their own way then it isn't appropriate to resort to physical contact such as pushing, hitting etc but age 3 and under is such a funny age that in my experience this would be something that would commonly be misunderstood. I have two kids who rough house at home and here they have a really hard time not being physical both in play and in conflict resolution not just with each other which is to be expected with some siblings but with all the other children too. I have a 2 year old who quite clearly doesn't get how its okay for him to play fight with his sister at home but when he is mad he gets told off for hitting her.

Rough housing is play fighting/wrestling and IMO is not productive. It gets out of hand very quickly and somebody always gets hurt. How do I tell a parent that there kid has bruises or hurt themselves today but its okay they were only play fighting. Seems like a pointless activity to me when they can get plenty of gross motor activities that are way more fun with less risk of injury along with the elimination of mixed messages of when it is, or is not appropriate to have physical contact with another child.

My 4 year olds may be able to understand when it is appropriate but my 2 year olds don't and how can I allow the older ones to partake in it but not the younger ones who don't understand? Also some kids are rougher and stronger than others so even playing gently could still easily hurt others. Why anyone would set themselves up for extra conflict is beyond me. If there is a set rule of "keep your hands to yourself", then it's never an issue. If anything the kids I always have more problems with when it comes to that rule, are the ones who rough house all the time at home. My own kids had plenty of physical contact with others which is an important part of development without the roughness. Lots of kisses and cuddles and ticklefests. :)

I will not allow anything physical and when something like hitting or pulling comes up I will intervene and give the kids words to use and let them know their hands are not the way to solve their problem.

Most of my problems are kids taking toys from one another and someone comes to tell, so the first thing I say is "did you ask little johnny to give you your toy back?" They usually say no and go and ask and the toy comes back.

I really believe in teaching kids to problem solve. If johnny takes your toy, ask him to give it back. If you still can't solve the problem then ask an adult for help.

I discourage hugs as well. Toddlers are taught by parents to say sorry and give hugs. But hugs aren't always welcome. As nice as a hug is they need to learn that someone's space is their own. You can ask if you can give them a hug... but we don't just walk up and hug someone.

I think it's hard for a toddler to understand the difference between a hug and pulling their friend by their shirt to come and play. Both are good intentions in their mind.

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Originally Posted by bright sparks

Kelly P...How do your daycare children understand that it is okay to rough house, which is physical but they aren't ever allowed to physically touch anyone else??? Seems like it's mixed messages there to a group of children who are at an age where they would easily find it confusing to differentiate between when it is appropriate and when it isn't. I understand what you are saying that if they are in a situation where they have to share or aren't getting their own way then it isn't appropriate to resort to physical contact such as pushing, hitting etc but age 3 and under is such a funny age that in my experience this would be something that would commonly be misunderstood.

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I'm sorry, I should have been clearer about how I manage that....
I allow rough housing for the older kids. (usually the 4/5 and up crowd) AFTER they understand the difference between playing and just being mean.

The couple boys I have now are 4.7 yrs old and 5.2 years old and both have been with me a while and are great friends. I allow them to wrestle and rough house with each other in FUN and when BOTH are willing participants. I don't allow a free for all kind of rough housing.

Boy, this is hard to explain in print and without getting lengthy....

It just works good so far with the group I have. No one is mean and they seem to rough house nicely...LOL! Is that even possible... I do try and give the kids a bit of lea-way because I am NOT a school but a family child care provider so I feel I can be a bit individualized with the rules...and so far with this current group, it works nicely.

I've had other groups where I couldn't allow the kids to even be within arms reach of each other without someone thinking someone else was being mean or intrusive....

I hope that makes more sense...

3 year olds are SO bossy.

LOL . . . . escpecially the girls

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Originally Posted by Cadillac

3 year olds are SO bossy.

LOL . . . . escpecially the girls

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Yes lol I have a 3 year old girl and 3 year old boy leaving for school this year and I've had them both for nearly 3 years and the girl is super bossy. Yesterday she actual said to him..." Do I look like I'm laughing?....No!" It was like listening to a cocky teenager. I also look after her nearly 2yr old brother who is a major handful at the moment in part to his age but also due to his overpowering bossy sister. I think she is definitely ready for school.

I allow rough-housing, IMO it is an important part of human development. Like everything else, I teach them how, but they also teach themselves - there is only so much a friend will endure and that is an important part of growing and learning.
An interesting read to support rough-housing: http://psychcentral.com/lib/6-benefi...r-kids/0007973

As far as the arguing - I often take a wait-and-see approach and if it goes arwy, I try and guide them back on course. We talk about how we would want to feel ect.

Daisy, the article is interesting. I actually agree that boys in particular seem to have a need to rough-house and it is nearly impossible to stop them from doing it at a point. What I struggle with though, in my daycare, is allowing them to do it without hurting the little kids who find themselves in the the middle of it. My 5 year old son loves rough play and would love the younger kids to join him, but they are too little. When he has a boy closer to his age, they have a great old time, but it gets a bit loud and chaotic and I am worried that one of the little ones might get hurt. I know the boys would be happy to rough-house all day, but I can't send the other kids home with bruises.

I guess I have been lucky - physical play has always been part of my daycare (I have been doing this for 7 years). There are certainly times when it needs to be checked and even sometimes stopped, but that is all part of being a kid.
As far a bruises...that made me laugh out loud - all of my kids get bruises - they are toddlers for goodness sake!! They trip and fall over their own shadows! :laugh: