Misgivings / Uneasy relationship

I started a new family in December for a 1 year old. The mom did many interviews with other providers before choosing my daycare. I didn't feel like we really clicked in the interview so I was surprised that she picked me a few weeks later because I didn't really feel the warm fuzzy feeling from her during the interview.

I started the child and there are no major issues. The child has some nap issues, some issues pulling on other kids' clothes and the parents have come late a few minutes a few times beyond my close time. These are all just little things that kind of nag at me but are nothing that I would really term over.

Then today the dcm says she drove by my house during daycare time and saw me and the kids outside but she did not see her daughter outside. Her daughter was playing in the open garage because there are some trikes and the water table and toys in the garage and the kids often go in there and play near that stuff instead of the front yard. It isn't a big deal to me but it sure didn't look good when mom drives by and her child is not visible.

The mom says "was someone else here watching her?" I say no and I explained that her DD was in the garage at that time. She would have been about 20 feet from me where I was on the driveway colouring with chalk with the other kids.

In any case...it is unsettling that this mom drove by and spied and then questioned me on it as though I was hiding something.

Part of me thinks it is totally her prerogative because she doesn't know me from Adam but the other part of me feels under scrutiny and feels like putting up my ad. I work really hard at my daycare and the kids and preparing a program for them and a safe, fun day and it doesn't feel good that she would think otherwise.

Then her daughter had a little mark on her hand and she asked where it was from. We had come from the yard about 20 minutes before pick up time and I never noticed that her daughter got any kind of injury or scrape while playing outside. She didn't cry or seem like she got hurt during the hour outside at all.

I guess I feel kind of like terminating based on the little issues plus what happened today...the other part of me says that they are just worried about their child and I should maybe start closing the garage so no kids can play in there in case other parents would do the same.

I am just kind of uneasy now...and adding to it my little issues with this family and then today makes me feel like these are early red flags and I might regret keeping this family down the road.

WWYD?

I personally would rather the parent ask me about this situation than just assume someone else was watching her child or that I had left her in the house unattended, so this question wouldn't offend me.

I try to put myself in the parent's shoes and would ask myself...is this parent asking this to be safe or is she too much of a worrier and not a parent I want to continue to deal with? I don't mind parents asking me things to clarify a situation. It actually worries me more when a parent doesn't seem at all concerned for their child's well being or questions the dcp at all. If a parent has been with me for quite some time and STILL doesn't trust me, than I would be worried and would consider terming.

I see what you mean 5LM but I wish they would have just stopped their car and asked me at that time i.e "Where's Susi? I got off work early?"
Then I could have shown her.
This was she drove by and then came back a couple of hours later to do the actual pickup. If she was really so concerned then why not stop the car and inquire what's going on.

Yes, I agree, it would have been much better if she had stopped and asked have where she was so she could have seen for herself.

Does she maybe come home for lunch and you are on her way? You could also take it as a good sign that she wasn't overly concerned but just wanted to clarify?

I once had a family who would drive by my house (I am totally out of their way). It wasn't just during daycare hours either. It was creepy!! I also had another parent come in just as I was going back down to the basement after throwing a pizza in the oven for supper (so what less than 2 minutes). His children were 4 and 7. I smiled and he said "WHERE are __________ and ______. I said umm, downstairs. I was just throwing my supper in the oven.

It is annoying when parents don't trust us but you can also see her side of things. She drives by and doesn't see her child. I would just shrug it off and oh well. She asked, you told her, if she doesn't like that her daughter wasn't within 2 feet of you and leaves then so be it. Don't worry about it too much!

If you are confident in the care you provide then she can drive by 100 times if she wants as you have nothing to hid and are watching the children carefully. Seriously, you haven't done anything wrong so let her work out her issues and don't fret.

I'd be careful about terminating them shortly after she questions where her child was. Could give the wrong impression...that you were not taking care of the child and now don't want her questioning what is going on. If you did decide to term I would ensure you have a good conversation about why and clear things up so she doesn't spread the word that you termed them because she questioned you.

I don't think anything is wrong on her part. I totally get how it makes you feel under the microscope. But, you're caring for her child and she is perhaps anxious about it. I don't think there is anything wrong with driving by the house during care hours. Weird perhaps, but it's just one, of few, ways that parents have to check up on their child.

We've all heard the horror stories of what can go wrong in a daycare. Can't blame a parent for worrying. They do need to do it in a respectful way though. She seemed to, by asking you for clarification and not jumping to the conclusion that something was wrong.

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Originally Posted by Spixie33

Part of me thinks it is totally her prerogative because she doesn't know me from Adam but the other part of me feels under scrutiny and feels like putting up my ad. I work really hard at my daycare and the kids and preparing a program for them and a safe, fun day and it doesn't feel good that she would think otherwise.

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That is a quote from YOU. Tell her THAT - exactly, that! Just tell her that you take great pride and do good work and it bothers you that she is worried about that. And then you say this, afterwards, "If you have trust issues with me then they need to be resolved or we will need to re-examine our ability to have a good working relationship". And then you just leave that hanging in the air, allow for the awkward silence.

I get that a parent might question but YOU also have the right to not feel constantly micro-managed. So, be open, TELL HER how that remark is taken by you and how it ultimately affects HER and your ability to keep her child in daycare.

Just be open. See what that brings. My thoughts are she will turn red-faced, apologize, and go on and not bother you again.

did you ask her why she wasn't at work. And really if there was a problem she should have stopped by and not driven by.

I can understand why parents would want to check in every so often. Totally understandable. Although I find driving by a little creepy...this just seems like plain mistrust. I would NOT feel comfortable caring for a child who's parent didnt trust me. I think it would be good to have a serious conversation about this. Either she trusts you, or she doesn't, there is no gray area and if she does not trust you than she should move on and if she does trust you then she needs to back off a little.

I have to agree with above, if she doesn't trust you I would have a hard time watching their child.

I would definitely talk to her about this and clear the air but maybe this isn't about her not trusting you. Maybe it hasn't got anything to do with anything you are, or are not doing. Maybe she needs to do this to calm her own anxieties. Really if this works for her or she needs a little bit of reassurance I wouldn't necessarily be so quick to jump to the impression that this is about you. Obviously without the facts you can only fill in the blanks and her actions have rubbed you up the wrong way a little but there are far worse things she could be doing. She may not have stopped to ask because she feels like a fool and embarrassed. I wouldn't overthink it to much. Discuss it and maybe encourage her to call if she has any concerns or if she is driving by to feel free to stop if its helpful, otherwise please just know that I have your child's wellbeing and safety as my top priority. Obviously stating the issues with regular drop in that can be disruptive or don't encourage the drop ins if that is against your policy but it does sound to me that this parent just needs some kind words of reassurance.

I don't think this is grounds for termination personally, and I don't think it is a reflection on your capabilities as a daycare provider, although I do understand why you would be made to feel uneasy by this situation.

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Originally Posted by momofnerds

did you ask her why she wasn't at work. And really if there was a problem she should have stopped by and not driven by.

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She got off early from work to run errands.

So if she is driving by my house 2 hours early then why not come pick up your daughter?? My house is not near stores or places to run errands.

She did tell me she was very paranoid during our interview and I used to show up early at my own daycare to pick up my kids early sometimes just so I could see what was happening but this feels more like spying because she didn't actually come pick up or stop the car.

I would think that a parent should be happy driving by to see I am out playing with the kids.

Trust is the main ingredient when I look for new families. I have families who drive by all the time and have never stopped in or asked. Not that they aren't welcome to stop in, it's just a trust thing that I am caring for the their child. I really feel trust is of the utmost importance. BTW they drive by cause they live down the street lol.

Don't forget if this mom is fairly new she won't completely trust you yet. She doesn't really know you. Trust will come over time. Like I said previously, don't worry about it. You did nothing wrong and it is something that she will get over as she continues to bring her child to you and sees that you are a good provider.

hmmm, maybe this is just me, but I don't think that she doesn't trust you. If she didn't, she would have stopped her car right away to find out where her child was when she didn't see her from the view from the road. I think it's completely normal for a parent to question where the child was if she couldn't see her. Also, if my child had a boo boo on his hand I would ask as well, whether the rovider knew what happened or not.
I know what you mean about feeling under the microscope. It's an uneasy feeling. A few months ago one of my dcb's started telling his Mom that he is in time out all day and that I tell him that hes bad and that I hate him. NONE of which are true and he always had great days. Mom questioned me, and I felt terrible at what they might be thinking. I felt like terminating just because of the awful uncomfortable feeling that came with that revelation at what dcb was saying. But they didn't pull him from care because they trusted me....did she give you a vibe like she was really upset? Like she might want to pull your dcg? I feel like these might just be normal questions to ask but it left you feeling uncomfortable. Maybe?

Oh and the uncomfortable feeling passed after a couple weeks when I realized that it was only ME that was feeling it and that they had moved on from it a long time ago because they trusted me.

Has anything else out of the ordinary happened with this family? Has there always been an underlying feeling of mistrust? You said you didn't "click", but maybe she is just not a very warm and friendly person.
If this was it, I wouldn't even address the issue. If she brings it up again, or has another problem to address, then I would have a conversation saying "I get the feeling you are uneasy about the care So-and-so is receiving. I could be out in left field, but if there are any challenges or things you would like to address, I would like to talk about it to put your mind at ease".
I have had parents question things. But they have all done it with genuine curiosity. One little boy told his mom that someone had been biting him. He was not getting bit, but we did have a biter at the time, that he had witnessed chomping on his friends. I explained that, and that was the end.
Honestly, let it be and go about continuing the quality care that you know you provide. Let mom work out her unease. I would rather have a parent that cares than a parent that doesn't!

I know how it feels , we are providing the very best care we can and being questioned opens up all kinds of emotions from distrust to frustration . I think it was just her checking , and there's no harm in that . I can only imagine me dropping off my dd at a dayhome lol !!! I get it from her viewpoint and totally understand your view point .
Maybe when you get to know her better it won't or wouldn't bother you as much !!
I am getting better at being more confident when asked questions . When I started I would be very upset thinking parents didn't trust me , but it wasn't that , sometimes just a question !!
If it makes you feel any better , I had dcb grandma pick him up with a wet bum from going down a slide after it rained ! She was very upset !! She said , he's soaking wet !! Did you let him sit in a mud puddle all afternoon ? It took every ounce of my being not to say , um yes , he was easier to take care of that way !! That aggravated me all weekend !!!
I wouldn't let it get to you , weird ? Yes !! But maybe just a thoughtless question .