3 year old Drama!!

Hello! Need advice on a little girl who is currently 3 1/2. I've had her since she was 10 months old. She was such an easy going baby; but has in the last 2 months turned into a total drama queen. Drop off (which has never been any issue at all) is suddenly total all out tantrum, high pitched screaming for Mom. Mom is excellent at just dropping and going & helping out whatever way she can (I too had her other 2 older daughters...who, ironically were the same but not to this scale...just very dramatic). Have tried cuddling her, speaking with her, a stern "stop", having an exciting new activity on the go when she arrives,... but have found she just needs to cry it out. I isolate her to my quiet space (tent with a huge teddy in it) & instruct her that she is welcome to come out when she's ready. As well this response comes with a graze of a ball ("he hit me"!), when she doesn't get a toy she wants...you name it. Grandma has her 1 day a week & same is happening there. Ideas? The high pitched screaming is making me want to buy ear plugs for us all!!

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Originally Posted by Dreamalittledream

Hello! Need advice on a little girl who is currently 3 1/2. I've had her since she was 10 months old. She was such an easy going baby; but has in the last 2 months turned into a total drama queen. Drop off (which has never been any issue at all) is suddenly total all out tantrum, high pitched screaming for Mom. Mom is excellent at just dropping and going & helping out whatever way she can (I too had her other 2 older daughters...who, ironically were the same but not to this scale...just very dramatic). Have tried cuddling her, speaking with her, a stern "stop", having an exciting new activity on the go when she arrives,... but have found she just needs to cry it out. I isolate her to my quiet space (tent with a huge teddy in it) & instruct her that she is welcome to come out when she's ready. As well this response comes with a graze of a ball ("he hit me"!), when she doesn't get a toy she wants...you name it. Grandma has her 1 day a week & same is happening there. Ideas? The high pitched screaming is making me want to buy ear plugs for us all!!

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I think the tent for this is a fantastic idea and hopefully it helps her to feel better. What do you do after though? When she calms down and comes and joins the group do you just leave her to it?

I would be having a conversation with her afterwards. She is at an age where she should be able to vocalize her frustrations so she needs to be told and learn that screaming the house down is not the best way to act. It's absolutely okay if she is sad and wants to have a cry, and the tent is a lovely place to snuggle teddy till she feels better, but the screaming is not okay. I would be talking to her to try and establish how she is feeling and why and giving her some tools to handle her emotions in a way that is less disruptive.

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Originally Posted by bright sparks

...When she calms down and comes and joins the group do you just leave her to it?...giving her some tools to handle her emotions in a way that is less disruptive.

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This is a great idea to talk to her after; I honestly was of the mindset not to give much attention to it all (it seemed to escalate things); I just ask her if she is ready to join is and leave it at that.

Update: K...sat her down and in a very soothing voice explained that it's okay to be sad when Mommy leaves and crying is ok. She can go into the tent and cuddle Tommy Teddy when ever she feels sad. But when she uses a loud voice to cry it makes Mommy and all of us sad and it hurts our ears.
Her Response: Loud screaming tantrum again....arrggghh. One thing these little guys have taught me is that maybe the first (or 5th or 10th) time may not work but have patience and "just keep swimming";)

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Originally Posted by struatmarkes234

Yes,
I am not an expert, but maybe she thinks that after doing this drama you give you that which she want, So she makes a mentality to do that drama for anything she wants.

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kids parties in north vancouver

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Oh trust me, the drama definitely does NOT get her what she wants.

I would certainly not allow screaming, I don't allow it here ever. Of course crying and feeling sad are ok, usually I will separate them from the group when they are like that, but if they start to actually SCREAM, they start to suffer consequences. She is old enough to know better. I'm not sure I would have a "talk" with her either. I had one who was like this right around the same age and honestly over time I would let her pout in a corner when she first came in and then when she was ready she would join the rest of us. I tried the whole talking thing but it just didn't get us anywhere. But maybe it would work for you, can't hurt to try.

Yes, that is where I feel at a loss; when the screaming occurs and I feel like I have no choice but to isolate her (tent) and let her decide when she is calm enough to quiet and come join us. She went through a time where she would get very upset if someone was playing with something she wanted (or some such daycare 'traumatic' incident...haha) but she would then go to her quiet spot, cry it out quietly and re-join us a minute later. Now, it's the screaming, yelling at, throwing things at and bossing around her daycare friends. The consequence I do use (for the negative behavior with friends) is of course, time-out. She sits there, wiggles her toes, sings a song until the timer goes off and back to play. It so so peaceful on the one day she is not here and I think we can get there again with her. Such a struggle in this job:(. This is 3rd child with this family, last one...and they have been a wonderful family to deal with. I really cannot term her, but I really need things to improve for her last year with me next year.

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Originally Posted by Fun&care

I would certainly not allow screaming, I don't allow it here ever. Of course crying and feeling sad are ok, usually I will separate them from the group when they are like that, but if they start to actually SCREAM, they start to suffer consequences. She is old enough to know better. I'm not sure I would have a "talk" with her either. I had one who was like this right around the same age and honestly over time I would let her pout in a corner when she first came in and then when she was ready she would join the rest of us. I tried the whole talking thing but it just didn't get us anywhere. But maybe it would work for you, can't hurt to try.

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It's one thing to try and talk to the child afterward when the incident is over, versus giving them attention and trying to talk to them while they are worked up and giving them the attention they are likely seeking by behaving this way. I think it is more productive sometimes to ignore these kinds of behaviours, but at 3 1/2 she needs to find a more appropriate way of communicating and while ignoring may have her become bored at having no response, it also may not. This isn't a 2 year old who is just going through a phase and will just "get over it", she is older and I feel it is our job to teach them by communicating not be ignoring. I don't take any messing about in my daycare and have even been described as "Nanny McPhee" lol I'm actually really nice haha, but I don't break easily or back down. A child can throw a tantrum till the cows come home and I really couldn't care less. The thing with a child this age is that I would at least try to talk to them afterward. Even if it is an hour or two later, say before naptime when everyone else has gone down to sleep, just spending 10 minutes one on one colouring or something and then talking about how I react when I feel a certain way and seeing if this will provoke her to talk back about how she is feeling. Kind of like play therapy where the child draws and colours and is then able to feel happy, safe and calm and then opens up more. It may or may not work, but I wouldn't punish the child for having the inability to stop the screaming if I haven't done anything to proactively teach the child and I had simply ignored them. If someone ignored me when I was frustrated or upset, it would have made me act out even more because it just tells me that the other person does not care. I think trying a few things consistently for a while may show some improvements or I would just move the tent outside the room so it wasn't as loud and annoying for everyone else and that way she isn't getting any kind of attention in response to the negative behaviour. I would still try for a good amount of time day after day to talk. Even if she doesn't talk back, my initial goal would be to at least not have her throw a tantrum as a result. If that's all this is though, bad behaviour then in the future after trying different things it may very well result in needing some kind of consequences if she has had more than enough repetitive "lessons in alternatives" given.

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Originally Posted by Dreamalittledream

Hello! Need advice on a little girl who is currently 3 1/2. I've had her since she was 10 months old. She was such an easy going baby; but has in the last 2 months turned into a total drama queen. Drop off (which has never been any issue at all) is suddenly total all out tantrum, high pitched screaming for Mom. Mom is excellent at just dropping and going & helping out whatever way she can (I too had her other 2 older daughters...who, ironically were the same but not to this scale...just very dramatic). Have tried cuddling her, speaking with her, a stern "stop", having an exciting new activity on the go when she arrives,... but have found she just needs to cry it out. I isolate her to my quiet space (tent with a huge teddy in it) & instruct her that she is welcome to come out when she's ready. As well this response comes with a graze of a ball ("he hit me"!), when she doesn't get a toy she wants...you name it. Grandma has her 1 day a week & same is happening there. Ideas? The high pitched screaming is making me want to buy ear plugs for us all!!

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My older daughter (now almost 5 years old) does the screaming tantrum sometimes and the only thing that makes her stop is for her to go be by herself in her bedroom. She comes back out when she is done screaming. There is no point telling her to stop because she is too worked up. She only acts like that when she is over tired. Is your dcg going through anything that might be making her overtired? Is she no longer napping or having trouble sleeping at night?

I always talk to my daughter immediately afterwards - ask her why she was sent to her room, and how she should be behaving. If she isn't willing or able to talk because she is still crying, she goes back to her room until she is ready.

I also do something called "blowing out the birthday candles" if any of the kids get worked up. They hold their fingers in front of the mouth and take deep breathes to "blow out the candles", which are actually their fingers. Or I will have them pretend they are blowing up a balloon that is getting bigger and bigger. It helps the child get those deep breathes that are calming.

As for her not caring about time outs, maybe she would do better with another type of consequence when she is misbehaving. Is there something she really enjoys doing that she only gets to do if she is playing well with her friends?

Brightsparks my suggestion was based on the fact that op mentioned she tried cuddling and talking already. Of course a gentle approach should always be used first with kids and teaching them to communicate what is wrong is really important. It just sounds at this point that op has tried several things to try and make dcg feel better and it is not working and honestly a screaming child can be so disruptive, you have to consider the well being of the others in the group as well as the DCP. She should be given the chance to express herself but not through screaming. I have pretty much zero patience for screaming and just don't allow it but that's just me.

Thanks everyone for taking the time in your busy day to advise:). Sometimes even just being able to vent gives you fresh energy to seal with the day to day:)

I was going to say that actually !!! Lol. Sometimes as long as you can stay sane , I would ride it out ! The tent idea is different to me ! I'm not sure if I would personally do a time out like that but maybe I'm not understanding it .
3 1/2 is a drama girl age , my advice is to continue to make as little fuss about her behaviour , the way you have handled so far seems best !!
I personally lay down screamers , I just say in a friendly voice , " oh looks like someone is tired ," and lay them on the blanket with us in the playroom and continue with the activity at hand . Not sure if this would work for you , but I feel for you ! Hopefully it doesn't last long !!!

Re: "The tent idea is different to me ! I'm not sure if I would personally do a time out like that"

I actually use the tent as a place for them to escape/chill out (by their choice) any time in the day...a quiet spot, 1 at a time...no toys allowed in. Often there's a little one in there quietly reading. For actual time out as a result of bad behaviors, that's in a different spot (the bottom step of my basement playroom stairs).