Try to figure out if I'm the "difficult" mom

I'd like some honest feedback about whether I'm being wrongheaded about this, and if so, what is the right way to react.

I got a text at 3am today from my daycare providers husband, apparently sent to all parents - basically a rant about how his daughter was sick and the dayhome would be closed today and he's fed up with people bringing sick kids to care and as of Monday, everyone needs a doctors note giving them a clean bill of health or they will not be allowed through HIS doors (emphasis his, not mine).
I'm willing to give a lot of leeway to a parent who's tired and caring for a sick child in the middle of the night. Although I found the whole text bizarrely unprofessional in an angry, accusatory way, I figured he was having a rough time of it and I'd let it slide.
However, I have no intentions of going along with his demand for a doctors note. I am not wasting my time, my doctors time, and both taxpayers and my own money to get a note verifying that my child is healthy at one brief moment in time when some walk in clinic doctor looked at him. I can't even explain how stupid I think that is, and there is nothing in our contract about requiring doctors notes to be accepted into care.

At the same time... maybe I am "that" mom. I drop my son off when he has a cold, as long as the fluids are clear. I don't consider my child to be sick if he's got a low grade fever and *absolutely* no other symptoms. I kept him home one day this week after he'd thrown up in the night and had diarrhea the following day, but I dropped him off the next day even though it hadn't been a full 24 hours since his last BM. His daily record indicated that he did not, in fact, have any BMs that day, so I don't know if that makes it ok or not.

I know that everybody has different ways of managing their own health. I'm not the kind of person who goes to a doctor when I have a cold, or the flu, unless something is truly abnormal. My daycare provider is not that way - she's taking her kids and herself to the doctor about everything, all the time.

I am I being an idiot, or taking advantage of her? Or is this just a case of two parents with fundamentally different ideas who are probably not going to be able to sort this out?

First, if your child had diarrhea at home then he should have stayed home till he had not had one for 24 hours if that is in the contract you signed. Also, if you are requested the same thing about a fever, that also includes a low grade fever if that is what is in your contract.
That all being said, that dad is crazy!!! I would be calling to talk with your daycare provider to see if she know her husband sent out this text and if she is not apologetic or regretful about how he handled it I would be seeking care elsewhere. It was completely unprofessional. You are in her daycare, not his. If she is apologetic you need to have her reassure you that nothing like that will happen again and that all daycare business is to be done between you and her, never with the husband, and let her know that if it happens again you will be seeking care elsewhere.

What is her sick policy? If she doesn't have one, she needs to set one out. It will save her grief, and let you know what to expect, as well.

I agree a doctor's note to say your child is healthy seems excessive. However, as a provider, I understand their frustration. I have had parents dope and drop, bring their kids knowingly ill (with stomach flu, croup and fevers), etc etc. It is very frustrating for me b/c I go over this extensively in my interviews with parents that I don't care for sick children. I will (and have) terminated care with families b/c of this.

Everyone will have different sick policies. Sounds like your provider needs to implement one, and soon.

I would have a chat with her and get it sorted out.

NO you are not being the "difficult mom". I totally understand dad's point of view as there are so many illnesses that walk in that door and get passed around. I think you sound reasonable in sending your child with mild cold symptoms etc. The only thing I do not like is that you send your child before the 24 hours is up! I really wish parents would stay home. This is a lot of the issues is parents not keeping children home long enough to get well.

I would not get a doctor's note for basic things - cold and flu etc. but you should be following the 24 hour policy that she has in place. Any other reason for your child to be home though should require a doctor's visit anyways so what would the big deal in getting a note while you are there.

First, I would be PO'd at my fiance for that unprofessional text. This is MY daycare and only I send texts to the parents regarding things like this. There are definitely times my fiance and I have disagreements over things that happen at dc but in the end, it is MY decision on how to handle things. He would support me if I asked him but I don't need him to fight my battles for me. Plus this is OUR home so I would be annoyed at him telling people it's his lol.

Second, from what you have said, no I don't think your "that" mom. I do think you should have kept him home for 24 hours if he had thrown up though. I am only concerned about diarrhea if they have it 3x in one day so that wouldn't bother me.

I do agree with you that a sick note is a waste of time but it is up to your dcprovider and if she asks for one, I would likely do it this once but explain to her your take on it. I would be more annoyed at having to expose myself to all the germs at the walk in to get a note when I know my child is fine.

However, I can understand their frustration. They are dealing with multiple children and perhaps many of them are sick right now? Sometimes a parent doesn't think what their child has is a big deal or contagious but as a dcp, I can tell when something is contagious and out of control when my whole dc is out sick. I ran into this problem last winter...it was a month and a half of ongoing illness. One child would stay home for a week, than another and another. Nobody could get better because we were all being exposed to it and nobody had gone to the doctor because each parent just felt it was a "cold"...in the end, after some encouragement from me, most went to the doctor and were put on antibiotics and within a couple weeks we were back to normal!

Well my take on it is that it is part of the job that you are going to be exposed to sick kids .... It's like a fire fighter that doesn't want to be in a burning building ..... It's part if the job !!! Parents could not possibly keep their kid home for every sniffle and what a waste of tax payers dollars to insist on a dr note for a cold ..... Seriously whatever !!! Often dr will issue notes to parents who's children have contagious illnesses just because the parents ask for them .... It's not up to the dr if the child black return to care its up to be as the provider. The only thing I will say that perhaps you were in the wrong for was the 24 hour rule ... If your child vomited or had diarrhea less then 24 hours before you sent him to day are then you should have kept him hone .... Because ultimately if the provider has to close your off anyway !!! In light of what the providers husband did I wound be searching for new care immediately and give appropriate notice once one is found

The only thing I disagree with is you not waiting the full 24 hours after diarrhea. But really, over all, you sound like a very reasonable, laid back person that I would be happy to deal with at my day home.

I must say that if my husband ever did that, I would be EXTREMELY ticked off at him. He respects me and my business, and he knows that's what it is -- MY business, not his. I don't think much of your provider for getting her husband to do her "dirty work" for you.

If that had been me, I would have called each parent and left a voicemail, as well as send a text. But it would have been something along the lines of, "I'm so sorry, I know this is late, but my daughter is really sick and I won't be able to open up my day home tomorrow. I'm really sorry for the inconvenience and I will let you know if I will be open the day after tomorrow."

Sometimes kids do wake up in the middle of the night sick, and if your child goes to a home day care, that can happen. But I don't think they handled it well at all!

1) If her contract states 24hrs after vomiting then yes you are in the wrong for risking exposing the other children to the stomach bug. It's also important to remember that different children and different ages respond differently to bugs so while your child may have only thrown up once, another might not be able to keep anything down for a few days, dehydration, etc.
2) If her contract requires your child to be fever free, then again, you shouldn't be bringing in your child even with a low grade fever. It simply isn't fair to your provider to have to care for your ill child and then deal with the exposure. I am not a "rush to the doctor" for every thing either, but if she has a policy that you had originally agreed to, you must respect it.
3) That all being said, the way the provider and her husband handled this was TERRIBLE. I would never ask my husband to text anyone, let alone with crap like that! Obviously, she knew he did it because how else would he get all your phone numbers? It was extremely unprofessional and quite honestly, it would get me too annoyed to be able to stay there. I also wouldn't be going in to get a doctor's note. If your child has been diarrhea, vomit and fever free for over 24hrs then as per HER policy your child should be welcomed back into care. If she is adamant, then it sounds like your aren't a right fit for each other any longer, and it may be time to move on and find a new provider that you gel with :)

Thank you for your honest feedback - both the encouragement and the chastisement. It seems clear to me that I have been in the wrong in past instances, and that's something that I need to change moving forward. I understand that taking a "live and let live" stance toward our different opinions isn't alright if I have agreed to operate on her terms.

As far as this particular issue with the healthy note from the doctor goes, I've laid out my concerns and left the ball in their court, clearly stating that I'd like to be able to talk it out. I guess that's all I can do, and I'm hoping for the best.

I'd be curious as to how the DCP's husband got all the families phone numbers to send a text. My husband would have no clue how to find that info without my guiding him. Well...it's easily accessible in the "Child Information Binder" but I don't think he would think to go look there. Not that he would ever contact families since he is well aware that this is my business and I am in charge, though I consult him.

I can understand him being frustrated but I would think finding all the numbers and sending this text goes beyond the average persons threshold of being frustrated.

Good advice already and the only thing I have to add is that a doctor's note means absolutely nothing to me. I decide who comes in my door in the morning and if I have to run and get the thermometer because I can tell the child has a fever or hear about vomit or diarrhea in the night, that family is going home. I'm here to protect all the children from sickness.

Well I have spent the last two days , sick from a dck !!!! My dd too !!! So I get the frustration !!!! My one dck family is constantly sick ! Two siblings , and a single mom ! She brings them dosed but says she doesn't . There's no way of knowing for sure !! If I phone her to pick up I feel like she thinks I over react , and will text later that the dck is fine , running around playing !! To further imply I over reacted ! I get that she would miss a lot of work due to two kids taking turns being sick but these are her kids !
I have a contract in place , I don't freak at a cold but diareah , green noses , dck wanting to lay down instead of playing , how does this come under my work responsibilities ? I am not your mom , aunt or friends house !
I really enjoy the family , they are never late paying , dcks are an enjoyable part of my dayhome !! But I'm seriously considering terming due to this issue !
I think the dad had no right to contact anyone !! I would be furious if my dh ever thought it his place to handle my dayhome business !
I do share my frustrations with my dh and he understands specific issues with dck families , as I'm sure this guy does , it is absolutely wrong for him to take it upon himself to take care of it ! I would send a copy of the text back and discuss with your provider , if you are happy with her services otherwise .
As a provider , and as I have spent the last 2 days sick and my dd sick , due directly from a dck having " common cold symptoms" let me just say this , if your child isn't acting like he/she normally does , keep them home !!

What I see is an angry overtired set of parents. I get the feeling dad is not as convinced as the mom that the home daycare is a good idea but he goes along with it. What they are facing is the dilemma of does the tired from being up in the night dad stay home with the sick child and keep them away from the daycare so the mom can open the daycare and get paid or does dad drag his tired butt to work but mom closes the daycare because of the sick child but gets no pay. Either way all he sees is HIS family suffering financially because of a daycare family that didn't follow the rules. I get that.

That is also one of the reason I do not close when one of my own children was sick unless they were the absolute first ones to bring something into the house which was rarely if ever the case. My kid is sick because of daycare parents so too bad. That is not the attitude parents deserve either but you can understand why the caregiver would do that. Also a parent does not feel they should have to pay on days their child is home sick or the provider closes due to their own child having gotten sick from a daycare child. Can't have it both ways. Just as most parents still get paid when they are home using a personal day the provider deserves the same privilege so if you get your daycare provider's child sick by sending your sicker than you want to believe child to daycare you should be expected to pay for the space used in daycare. I did not get from what was posted that the provider was being paid when she needed to close and that is what the husband is mad about - why should their family suffer because of the insensitive actions of a daycare parent.

A) In the case of diarrhea you should follow the providers policy whether you agree with it or not,and wait the 24 hours
B) In the case of fever you should follow the providers policy whether you agree with it or not,and wait the 24 hours
You don't know what these symptoms could lead to, further you signed a contract to do so.
In this instance, the dad was not acting in a professional or polite manner. Sending a text at 3am in not acceptable. He may be worn out but if he expects you to be professional and adhere to their policies he has to be professional as well!

The doc's note request is ridiculous. I agree with momof4, my daycare, so I have last word on whether a child is well enough to attend.

I agree fully with the other ladies who have said that you should definitely be following your daycare provider's illness policies. If your child had diahrea, they need to be home for 24 hours symptom free before returning. And to me, a fever is a fever and lowgrade or not it is usually a sign of something brewing. There is no way to know what illness may be coming until we have all been exposed to it through this "low grade fever".
That said, obviously the provider's husband did not handle the situation professionally. A doctor's note will not do much good in this case. And texting in an accusatory way in the middle of the night is completely unwarranted. As a caregiver, I know that kids will pass things around and sometimes we will catch things from the daycare kids and other times they might catch things from my kids who bring it home from school. I do my best to keep sick kids home and when my kids are sick, I keep them away from the daycare. Despite all this, we often all get sick anyway because things spread before the symptoms appear. I do not get angry if we catch something from a daycare kids normally as it is beyond anyone's control. However, I would be angry if we caught it and I knew that the parents had drugged and sent sick kids deliberately or otherwise not followed my illness policies. It sounds like perhaps this may be the cause of the anger in this situation.

Hi OP, I'm curious to know how this all panned out? Thanks! :)

Well, that whole daycare has a problem, IMO. One, it is the dcprovider's daycare - NOT her husband's daycare. She needs to grow a freaking professional backbone and take care of her OWN business. If SHE doesn't like how a parent is handling things SHE needs to take care of it - not hide behind her husband's coat tails. If she can't handle the confrontational part of her business (which there always is from time to time) then she has no business being IN business.

Second, as a provider, I don't give that much power to ANY one else - medical doctor included. The MD doesn't run my daycare - I DO! So a doctor's note means NOTHING to me. NOTHING. It is MY decision and judgment that matters with regard to who attends and when.

Third, she has a contract and she should make parents follow it. If they aren't following it and she is upset by it then, again, that is HER fault. And if she doesn't have a contract, then, again, shame on her for not having one.

Now, as for the OP....if you ARE under contract then you need to go and read it and see what it says about illness policies. I know in my contract NO amount of fever is acceptable and I wouldn't really care what a parents deems as 'acceptable'. All that really matters is what I think is acceptable and that is all clearly laid out in the contract and policies.

This whole situation could have been prevented if your dcprovider would just take control of her business and stop giving the power away to her husband, the daycare parents, and anyone else - like the MD.

Yep you ARE that parent! I always detested the parents who brought their sick kid to care. Some children have compromised immune systems and what a common cold is for your kid turns into a hospital stay for my child. Please be considerate of other peoples families. I think a text at 3am was unprofessional but I think a sick policy SHOULD be in place and enforced with NO exceptions.

I'd not be returning to such an unprofessional setting myself and be using his nasty text against him/ them as evidence.

I'd also be asking him for a criminal record check that covers vulnerable persons as children are, since he likes to think he can order you all a doctors note! More valid to get his criminal record check anyway. Doctors note I'd tell him to take a hike, you don't have to do that, innoculation record is good enough. And a thermometer on them taking in any children daily if they feel one is not well enough to accept as someone mentioned already. Who does he think he is to make such demands anyway?

Colds are normal in children, they get a lot more than us, and if a child has a cold it's a good thing not a bad thing, I can say this as a nurse, they are building up their immunity and it's an important process. Worse is to try and treat it as it's a virus and viruses can't be cured you just have to ride it out. Flu is different, aches, pains and a fever, it's more than a runny nose obviously. So if he's ranting over a cold then tell him to grow up, get better educated and to provide that criminal record check of course. I'd be telling him that if it were me before swiftly departing to find a more professional day care for my child.

I haven't read all of the replies but I will answer your questions.

I am in NS. Here, Public Health have guidelines for the situations when a child should be excluded from the day care. Fever, vomiting, diarrhoea are automatically a full 24 hour exclusion.

This is in my contracts and I expect full co-operating with this and the rest of my sickness policy. I do understand that getting a sick note is a inconvenience. I do also understand that having time off work when your child seems better after less that 24 hours is an inconvenience BUT...Bringing a sick child into my home, exposes my family, my other day care children and myself to the illness. It's an inconvenience when your child infects other children and their parents also need time off. It's an inconvenience to everyone if I get sick and have to close.

This is in my contacts however, and clients know this when they come here - and I will and do enforce it for the reasons given.

However, from your post, it seems this is a sudden, middle of the night policy change. In terms of the contract you have with your provider, neither party can simply change the contract, effectively immediately without both sides agreeing. If your contact has similar exclusions to mine, then you signed it and legally you have to abide by it. If it's not in the contract, then unless Public Health in your area has these guidelines, then I'm not sure the change can be enforced.

I do agree that the 3am phone call from the husband is highly unprofessional. There were better ways of handling that but as you said, tired frustrated parents sometimes don't make the wisest choices.

What does your contract say?