Need advice dealing with a shy, moody 3 yr old please!

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09-09-2011 12:07 PM
lsl164

Need advice dealing with a shy, moody 3 yr old please!

Hi. I am having issues dealing with a 3 year old girl. I have been watching her (and her 7 year old brother) for over a month now. She is very shy and tends to be very moody. One minute she is happy and the next she is crying for no apparent reason. When she is not happy she does not want anyone but her older brother (now in school). When it is time to get ready to get the older kids to school she will start to cry and lock herself in the bathroom because she does not want the brother to leave. He does everything for her and the parents seem to want him to. She is very much babied. When he goes to school she will cry and scream for 20 minutes or more. She does not want me to talk to her, touch her, etc. She will not use please or thank you. She will not say sorry for misbehaving. She will not say hi to other people. She will tell me that she does not want to be at my house and that she does not like me (usually in response to me saying i hope we can be friends). I do not have a great relationship with the parents so i cannot ask them their opinion. The first time i tried to tell the dad that the girl spit on another child and refused to apologize, his only response was that i might not be the best caregiver. I have been in business for over 10 years and have never dealt with this type of situation before. I am at a loss. Any ideas?
09-09-2011 12:28 PM
waterloo day mom

might not be the best caregiver for her? Sounds to me like you're the only one who is treating this child like a 3 year old and having some expectations of her behavior. If a child spat on someone here they would be out of every fun activity for the rest of the day and constantly reminded why. If the parents are like that, I would suggest that you start advertising the space. I wouldn't be surprised if they are already looking for another place.
09-09-2011 12:53 PM
zen39

If a parent made a comment to me like that, I would have terminated them on the spot. There is no respect there. Also, in order to provide the best possible care for their child, you need to have a decent relationship with parents in order to communicate about any issues. Unfortunately, this doesn't sound like it's possible. I would advertise the spot immediately.

However, if you choose not to, then I would make sure to be firm with the three year old, but pick your battles...don't worry if she doesn't say hi to other people...that can come later. Right now, it sounds like she is feeling very insecure and needs time to adjust to her brother just starting school and not being there. When she has a fit when her brother goes to school, just try leaving her be. I had a child like this and he was better left alone for a little while. If I tried to approach, it would make things worse. So try leaving her alone and ignoring the crying. She needs to learn to self sooth. Some children aren't comforted by other peoples hugs or talk, some just require their own space.

I wish you luck.
09-09-2011 03:54 PM
mom-in-alberta

Yikes. I agree that, regardless of the child's behaviour, this does not sound like a good working relationship with the parents!! I would not accept that kind of response if I told a parent that their little person SPIT on someone.
I think I would decide what the "non-negotiables" are. Like zen39 said, pick your battles. I would not worry about her not wanting to talk to you or other people on demand, unless you are trying to get a response that you need immediately. If she doesn't want to be comforted, then just remind her that you are there if she needs you and leave her to her own company. If she is being hurtful to you ("I don't like you/ being here") then remind her to use kind words, and then let it go. If you are insisting on manners, as you should, then begin letting her know that if she doesn't use them properly, she may not be allowed certain things. Some of the things that I would make issue of, not ignore: locking the bathroom door (safety issue!!), spitting/hitting etc or being downright disrespectful, being hurtful to the other children (with her words), any kind of aggression.
She is obviously having a hard time with her brother being gone, because it seems like mom and dad use him as a third parent, so to speak. It's great to be helpful as an older sibling, but this is they kind of situation that it turns negative. Now that he is at school, you have an opportunity to allow her to be more independent. And she will learn, eventually, that if he is not here to do it for her, she'll have to be the one that does it.
09-09-2011 05:47 PM
Skysue

Quote:

Originally Posted by lsl164

Hi. I am having issues dealing with a 3 year old girl. I have been watching her (and her 7 year old brother) for over a month now. She is very shy and tends to be very moody. One minute she is happy and the next she is crying for no apparent reason. When she is not happy she does not want anyone but her older brother (now in school). When it is time to get ready to get the older kids to school she will start to cry and lock herself in the bathroom because she does not want the brother to leave. He does everything for her and the parents seem to want him to. She is very much babied. When he goes to school she will cry and scream for 20 minutes or more. She does not want me to talk to her, touch her, etc. She will not use please or thank you. She will not say sorry for misbehaving. She will not say hi to other people. She will tell me that she does not want to be at my house and that she does not like me (usually in response to me saying i hope we can be friends). I do not have a great relationship with the parents so i cannot ask them their opinion. The first time i tried to tell the dad that the girl spit on another child and refused to apologize, his only response was that i might not be the best caregiver. I have been in business for over 10 years and have never dealt with this type of situation before. I am at a loss. Any ideas?

It sounds to me like the parents have some issues? Address the Mother and if they are not onboard with discipline then terminate. I have a 3-year-old girl who is similar and I don't invade her space. She gets time outs for unacceptable behavior and if she refuses to say sorry she gets a time out. Period! When she cry’s because she is missing her Mom or Sister I leave her alone until she is ready to join the group. Not everyone likes hugs or likes to talk about there emotions. Introverted people need space!

It took my 3 year old a good 3 months to come out of her shell and now she knows her guidelines and boundaries.

If your not on the same page as the parents how can it work?
09-12-2011 08:30 AM
lsl164

I told the dad about her behavior on Friday and he turned it back on me that she has nothing to look forward to coming here. He then saud that since i have no other kids during the day right now that she is upset and then asked why i am not looking for other kids?! I am actively looking just with no luck right now. And to make matters worse my teenage daughter was babysitting for them that night and the dad asked her if i was actually looking or not. I have been so upset all weekend because since i have no other full time kids right now we need this income. I would like to terminate but financially it would be hard. I hate this situation. The kids are here right now and the girl has been crying and whimpering since she arrived. She keeps telling the brother not to go to school. I have told her that we might go to the farm today but she doesn't want it unless the brother is with her. I am at a loss
09-12-2011 01:00 PM
playfelt

Sounds like the parents are misinterpreting her dependence on the brother as the children playing and getting along so well. If she is the only one in care can you find a playgroup or similar place to go visit where she would have others to play with. Maybe a trip to a local park to play. That can also be a good place to find other kids for care because you sometimes meet parents on maternity leave that will need care.
09-12-2011 06:34 PM
Skysue

Playfelt has some great ideas. The Dad should mind his tongue how rude. Tell her parents your ideas about going to play groups & or checking out library programs interim while you are trying to fill a new space. Let them know that finding the right age for her can be a challenge and that you are doing your best for her needs.

You are doing a great job and I know how hard it is out there! Good luck do whats best for you and your family!
09-13-2011 02:37 PM
lsl164

Just letting you all know the dad just gave 2 weeks notice via email. I feel relieved yet worried about finances.
09-13-2011 03:26 PM
Skysue

Hugs! Keep your chin up and I'm sure things will turn around soon!
09-13-2011 07:06 PM
playfelt

I am expecting there could be a notice for me in the upcoming weeks. Just started a 3 year old that moved here from Calgary - dad still there, mom here, mom not understanding that child is confused by it all. He is upset here because he informed me his provider that let him watch tv all day and eat whatever he wanted when he wanted so turning the tv off and saying no to a cookie request at 8:05 is not going over too well. Mom is concerned cause he settled after 2 days at his old daycare - wonder why. Doing whatever it takes so he doesn't whine is not a good provider. I went against my no taking older kids because I was loosing one to school and wanted a new pal for a child currently in care. Will have to wait and see if the notice comes from her to me or me to them.
09-13-2011 08:29 PM
zen39

Quote:

Originally Posted by lsl164

Just letting you all know the dad just gave 2 weeks notice via email. I feel relieved yet worried about finances.

I know how worrying it can be financially losing a spot, but it will get filled. Don't give up hope and remember you are your own boss, don't sacrifice what you need to satisfy others. The worst thing we can do as daycare providers is to not protect our well being. We take great care of these children and we need to remember to do the same for ourselves.

When I first decided to do this job it was so I could be home with my own and also to decide how I wanted my day to be, be my own boss. I decide what stresses I allow into my life and lets face it, taking care of kids - there are stresses involved. But, we can decide which ones are tolerable. Don't accept disrespect from the parents and if it's not working with a child, despite all your best intentions, then maybe it is time for them to move on.

I wish you luck, keep us posted.