Big Red Flags...am I right to be cautious

This is long but bear with me....More of a vent....

I have a 12 month old start care this week. I signed the family up 4 months ago. They never brought their son as he was only 8 months old at the time so I didn't think anything of it. My first flag went up when dcm asked that she bring a crib that she would buy from Kijji for dcb as she didn't want him sleeping in a pack 'n Play. I told her I don't accept items from home and especially furniture bought from Kijji as I worry about bed bugs being brought into the daycare. I would supply it as my daughter had one she outgrew and it was small enough (IKEA brand) that it would not take up too much room.

From that week on she texted me, called me during off hours with concerns. Sleeping issues, how he needs his bottle held for him to sleep (yup, not happening here), how she was concerned about the other children running into him and gating off a section of the daycare for her son. Many, many texts and issues before dcb even started.

He started Yesterday for an hour and everyday this week for 1 hour until he goes full time on Friday. I told her I don't usually do this as I feel in my program and from my experience that it is better to jump right in, but she was nervous as anything so I agreed to it. Then it became "Can I come and stay with him", No, as this will give him mixed messages. I told her she could come halfway thru the hour. As soon as she left I get a text..."Is he crying?" Well yes, it's his first time away from mom. Perfectly normal. She arrives earlier than the halfway mark.
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Today she brought him, my assistant and I put him in a highchair in the playroom so he could be "higher" than the kids and feel more secure. Gave him some baby corn puffs and some toys. He was content for 15 min. Than I took him out and let him walk around, he glances upstairs and sees dcm outside my door looking though the screen with the utmost concern on her face. and he starts crying..I walk over and see DCM peering in. It was 9:30, she wasn't supposed to come for another 15 min. How long was she standing there, I have no idea. Obviously serious trust issues. She was ready to burst through my door. I wasn't impressed. So I took dcb upstairs, opened the door and handed him to her and said "ok, see you tomorrow..." she asked "can't we stay for the remainder of the time" Against my better judgement I allowed her to stay. Why? I don't know this clearly wasn't helping dcb adjust to his surroundings with mom there. Then she questioned why I had him in the highchair and how he likes to walk around. Well...walking around he was very upset, banging into my closet mirrored doors (and he is very, very strong and a big child) in the short time in the high chair he was happy and content and secure. Than dcb was crying to go into the highchair, proving my point.

Then it became obvious she could not care less about my contract or the numerous times I've talked to her about naptime cause she made a comment how he will be going down at 10:00 for am nap and then pick him up at 3:30 for his pm nap. I reminded her that ALL children nap at 1-3pm here. It is group care, we discussed this numerous times. That I will put him down 9:45 for AM nap but will wake him up by 10:45/11:00 so that he will go down with the rest of the kids for 1:00pm. She was worried that it would affect his evening sleep:huh::huh:

I told her that I'm giving it 2 weeks trial as per our contract agreement. She immediately said "oh, but I will give it 1 month then pull him if he is not happy" So I said politely...again..." No, I will give it 2 weeks, if dcb is not fitting into group care, you will need to hire a nanny perhaps"

Than she said "Oh, I saw your ad first and contacted you, but that is an option for us" :blink: I know now it is not dcb that is the issue it is her. DCP from HELL.....

BTW...the child is 12 months and over 45 lbs. He is in size 6 diapers that are bursting at the seams. I'm not sure I could carry him and handle him. He is walking but he already took down 2 dck's today. Literally. So this might all be moot.

What would you all do? Give dcm a chance? I've been doing this for almost 5 years, I don't think she will change. And this isn't even her first child to say she's a nervous first time mom. I'm ready to send her the walking papers tomorrow.

That sounds horrible!!

I think I would give it the 2 weeks and see how it goes. The problem though is that with you being lenient on mom so far I think she will continue to try and overstep her bounds as you have allowed her to already. I would have said NO to the 1 hour a day for this week. Can she stay NO!! I never allow this. I usually only do one or two half days and then straight to full time. If you don't trust me then why did you book a spot to leave your child with me.

On a side note I never put children in a high chair other than at meal time. Just something I never do although I realize other providers do that.

Good luck! I think you will need it with this mom.

Ummm, WOW.

That's about all I have to say!!

As I can tell you already know...set very firm boundaries for the mom.

Good luck!!

Poor child...it's going to be a very hard transition if mom is stressing everyone out!!

I think she needs a nanny....and I feel sorry for said nanny who will always be under the microscope.

Personally....I doubt I would have taken them on in the first place. Honestly, I find this job mentally exhausting so the slightest sniff of something being off and I don't offer a spot.

I am aware that everyone runs their business differently and may not have the luxury of being extremely anal about clients.

That being said, I think you did the right thing for both parties in saying firmly that you are using these first weeks as a trial period. I suspect you have a gut feeling already so you have laid the groundwork for terminating care.

I had an interview with an extremely anxious Mommy. She called references several times, asked millions of questions post interview etc. She admitted to me that she was terrified of leaving her child in daycare and asked if I could help her work through it. She trusted me and did everything I suggested, even though she desperately wanted to stay here with him. I agreed to give it a try because I really liked her honesty. They have been an amazing family for a year and 1/2!!

Make sure she knows how things need to be done. If she's not willing/able to do what you need then send her on her way.

He's over 45 lbs???? Holy cow! My 5-year-old is 45 lbs, and she isn't even skinny! I feel for you-lifting him in/out of the highchair, playpen, over baby gates, in/out of the stroller...that might be reason enough to think about ending it! lol...I think you've been more than accommodating dealing with this incredibly over-anxious mom. If she can't respect your policies, I think you'd be well within your rights to suggest a nanny instead. Parents have got to be able to let go a bit and TRUST us to look after their children. I tell parents that they will never find someone who parents exactly like they do in every situation, and if they need that, then group daycare isn't for them. Good luck!

That would creep me out!! lol. I'd picture her peering in through windows and such haha

I totally understand why some parents would find it hard to trust us. Most of these parents don't know us from a hole in the wall and they are leaving their baby with us. In centres there are other staff to monitor each other and make sure nothing bad is going on....in most hdc's, there is just one staff and that person could be doing only god knows what. I get it, I would find it hard to trust too. HOWEVER, doing what she did is not the way to go about gaining trust!

I ask that parents ring the doorbell before coming in. It's still my house and I want to know when people are in it. I also want to know if I am in the washroom and need to hurry up etc. However, there are a few times that a parent will come in and not ring the doorbell. NOw it could be they just forgot but I would think for some it is their way of "sneaking in" and seeing what I'm up to when I think no one is watching. It doesn't bother me if it's a rare occurrence. Now if they do it all the time, I remind them to ring the doorbell because I do find it rude but I don't find it offensive if that makes sense?

I've had a few parents like this one (but not to this extent!!lol) and they eventually calm down once they trust me and know that their child is well looked after and happy. I would give it 2-4 weeks and if she is still a high maintenance parent and you don't want to deal with her than I would terminate.

I have an open door policy here so parents just walk right in. But really...peering in the window? That's...well....odd to say the least and not just a bit disconcerting. I can't say that if I turned the corner to see someone peering in my window that I wouldn't be more than a little annoyed because that's more than a little weird. You're absolutely right to have your antennae waving wildly at this point. However, I would bet that having a heart to heart with her about her worries and your methods, you might be able to alleviate some of her fears. It's worth a shot maybe? Once she cuts the umbilical, she may see some progress as you work your magic thereby loosening her grip a teeny bit. I've had a client or 2 who I've had to hold hands with the whole way through the process. I will often predict things they'll start seeing as progress is made. Once they see those predictions coming to fruition, I guess they figure I must know what I'm doing so they relax some. Also, for the first weeks, I text the parents frequently, updating them on progress through the day, of course making a very big deal out of the little things - "Johnny was upset and reached for me for cuddles today! We've established some trust and are bonding.". I have found this very, very helpful. They can also text me whenever they want if they need that 'fix'. I've found this to be very helpful with the more stressed out parent. Often, they end up being the best clients in the end :)

cfred I actually snapped a pic when he was sitting in the high chair contently playing with the toys and sent it to her 10 min after she left. She still showed up peering through my screen door. This goes beyond normal anxiety issues that I've seen whilst doing this vocation. Honestly, even though I'm down in numbers and trying to fill spots, I cannot see this relationship going anywhere. I will for professional reasons give it at least a week. On a good note, I had a wonderful interview yesterday and today. Will be filing a spot for September and pretty sure I will also have a new little 2.5yr old dcg starting on Monday. Keep your fingers crossed for me :)

good luck!!

Can you close your blinds so she can't peek in? Make a comment like 'wow, it's been so hot lately I have to keep the blinds closed or the house gets too warm'.

I unlock the door when I open and close it after the last child arrives. I then unlock it again shortly before the first child goes home. I told all the parents when interviewing that I lock the door during the day as we have a big house and we make lots of noise in the daycare. I need to know that if I hear something in the house that it's my husband and not have to worry about someone being in the house when I have 5 young children in care.

I do have some parents that try and tip toe down at the end of the day. I fully know they aren't sneaking in the see me...they want to peek at their child and see her playing with her friends. Of course, this child has perfect timing and always ensures she is sitting there like a lump doing nothing when they arrive (yet is busy all day).

I don't think I could handle parents peeking in my windows.

I was a nanny for many years with many families. I would never nanny for a family like this...all I can think of is how many nanny-cams she'd have!!

Run for the hills!!! Other Mummy I know several nannies and I know very good ones that also don't take on this kind of crap. The best option for this mom is quit her job and do things her way with her child.

I hope you fill your spots soon, including this one.

haha lee bee...that happens here too. Parents try to see their kids having fun and in dc action but they are usually just sitting there when they show up...never fails! lol.

*UPDATE* So DCM drops off DCB for his "1 hour" visit. Of course he crying and not settling. After 30 min she rings my doorbell. I know it is her, so I take her son in my arms and open the door and hand him to her. She apologizes and tells me it won't work as she cannot stand to see him cry. She will have her mother watch him and pay her. So I guess the nanny thing was to expensive. I'm sure she spent last night scouring the internet for a cheap nanny. I remind her that she still owes me 2 weeks tuition fees as per our contract. She had the cash in hand, and told me she will call me next year when he is 2 years old and we will try again. Guess who will suddenly be full and have no spots available when she calls in a year :laugh: Oh well, can't complain, easiest fees I've earned I guess.

Ugh, well I'm sorry your space is no longer full, but I'm so glad for you that you won't have to deal with this woman!

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Originally Posted by Other Mummy

*UPDATE* So DCM drops off DCB for his "1 hour" visit. Of course he crying and not settling. After 30 min she rings my doorbell. I know it is her, so I take her son in my arms and open the door and hand him to her. She apologizes and tells me it won't work as she cannot stand to see him cry. She will have her mother watch him and pay her. So I guess the nanny thing was to expensive. I'm sure she spent last night scouring the internet for a cheap nanny. I remind her that she still owes me 2 weeks tuition fees as per our contract. She had the cash in hand, and told me she will call me next year when he is 2 years old and we will try again. Guess who will suddenly be full and have no spots available when she calls in a year :laugh: Oh well, can't complain, easiest fees I've earned I guess.

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Sadly, for this child it will be harder to transition into any care in one year's time. I get being nervous about leaving your child with someone and I get not wanting your child to cry but she is only making things harder on her child (and herself) and is doing him no good by not controlling her own fears and letting her child create attachments and friendships with others.