Friend taking advantage.

Hi

I could really use some advice on how say to my friend who has started to push the limits.

It started as an emergency back up. I would walk her child to the bus stop or she would drop her child and go while i was there already. Once a month or less.
This year she has arranged her schedule so she can finish early and started dropping her child at my house - not coming in just drop and drive off. It is 40 minutes before the bus is even due and 30 minutes before my paying before care arrive! It is also 2 - 4 days a week!

It is obvious she should pay to me but how do I say it??

Thank you!

Wow, she really should be paying. If she's a friend how about a quick frank talk started by you. "Since your care and arrival time has changed and now falls under daycare arrangements there will be a weekly fee of $????". Or something to this affect. I kept for a friend once and absolutely never again. This is the same reason I don't want to keep my grandchildren next year.

use the safety issue in the sense that you are not responsible for the child legally unless there is a signed contract so please don't just abandon your child on my lawn and drive off. In very cold weather the child is going to be very cold and unhappy by the time she gets to school.

Can you use ratios? Tell her that you have a family interested in your last spot. That if she intends for you to care for her child then she needs to sign a contract and give a deposit and pay the weekly fees. Give a deadline or you will sign the other family on.

Tell her if she opts not to sign the contract and pay she can no long (ever) drop the child off as it puts you over ratio and makes you a criminal with severe consequences (fines and jail time).

If you are not full and have plenty of room for her then this won't work.

You will have to tell her that you open your doors at X time if she intends for you to care for her child then she will need to pay and make it official.

I would find it difficult to call this person a friend though. She has clearly cross some lines and knows it as no one just drops their child off without first having discussed an agreement for care.

okay listening to yours and my own thoughts. I have this. But could really use help into how to say it.

Parents are upset as she is there so must and comments and looks are being made. If she wants B/A care the school has a wait list and I can help her out until they have space in the mornings only.
As for after care - I don't have space. And she should do what I do on days that are too cold. -20'C and colder my kids don't catch the bus. They stay home unless I can arrange transportation. Other days they wear snow-pants, zip up, hats, mitts.....(hers rarely do).

Honestly there is no way out of this without hurting her feelings. She is using you and you need to put your foot down. Really? what kind of friend is she being. She knows you run a daycare and of course she knows everyone else pays you for it. what makes her so special? just because she is a so called friend doesn't mean your services are free.

Just be upfront and honest. She either finds her own before/after school care or she pays for your services the same as everyone else.

Tell her that financially you can't afford for that space to be used up anymore and so she will either have to be a paying client with a contract, or you will have to fill the space with a paying client. This also means abiding by the contract rules (walking the child to the door for safety reasons) and your business hours. Tell her that you value her friendship, but that this is a business decision in the best interest of yor family and your daycare and that you hope she understands. If she doesn't? Then she is ungrateful, and quite frankly, a tool. I hope it all works out! Keep us posted.

I had to re-read both your posts again @3littlemonkeys so my understanding is that after school you don't have space for this child but the child just shows up at your house, or comes home with you from the bus because mum doesn't show up. Is this correct? That means this "so called friend" is putting you in a position to operate illegally being over ratio.....friend, I do not think so. I think a passive approach to this is not the way to go in my personal opinion, she needs to be told honestly and to the point ASAP. Dropping the child on the driveway is neglect, passing over responsibility to you, without prior request or permission and this poor child!! Anyway, back to the original question of how to tell her...

I would be saying that you have noticed that this "back up" care arrangement has gotten out of hand and that x, y and z actions are completely unacceptable, were never discussed and she needs to make alternative arrangements immediately. You don't owe her more than that, especially as she hasn't shown you an ounce of respect. She is the one who owes you an explanation not the other way around. Why is it that we go through these times of letting those we are closest to treat us so bad?? Sometimes I have to try very hard to own that I allow people to treat me as such and put a stop to it. Good Luck confronting her.

Tough spot to be in. I deal with difficult people all the time and the best way to talk is face to face. Phone or email tends to escalate situations.
I would meet with her and tell her straight up that you have been dreading this conversation. Although you want to help her out with before and after care, you technically don't have the space and you have a waiting list. Tell her that although you prefer her munchkin, showing preference damages your client relations and reputation and it is a small industry. Before not a problem as it was emergency only...but now you are over numbers consistently and at risk of a major issue.

Offer to help her until the end of October if she is in a jam.
If she still takes advantage past Oct 31st or acts like a total ass when you are bearing your troubles, she is not a friend, just another person with an over inflated sense of entitlement.

I did it!!!!! Thank you all for your support!

She threw a few guilt's my way but I feel I handled it well. I explained I agreed to be an emergency back up as in a real emergency! I also said if the weather is too cold for my kids to walk and wait for the bus then they would stay home. I would expect the same on her side. My theory is If I don't have a safe way for them to get home after school how can I send them (Calgary we get -25'C to -40'C)? She replied with she would send them as the morning is not an issue for her. :eek: So I then proceeded to explain I can not offer after care. Doing so would mean having to turn away 3 children and that would be a loss of thousands of $$$. A sacrifice I will not do. But I could give her the name of an aftercare near the school.

I also offered Before care at a fee the same fees the one at the school offers (it is full right now) and on a drop in basis. So she thought a few minutes about it.

Funny now she has decided to reorganize her schedule to start later and feels her daughter can walk to the bus stop!!
:)

I ended with saying I was glad we talked as this situation was really stressing and I was upset. I was glad we understand each other now.

Thank you all!! I feel better. And have learned a valuable lesson!!! Child care and friends do not mix!!

Glad it went well for you!! I agree with others, that's not what a friend should act like.

I have cared for one friend's child and while it did go okay and we are still friends, I do try to avoid friends as much as possible.

I may be taking on a family member's child in the new year and I'm still trying to decide if it's what I want to do. They are looking for other care but would like to come here if I have the space. I just don't want to get into situations like yours so I usually just avoid it all together!!

There are only certain friends and family I would look after without a hesitation!

It changes things so much though ! I don't think I could provide care for my friends or family ! Right now I'm doing care for my friends friend . It has really changed how I can go out and vent ! Not that there is a problem at all with the little one but it almost feels like three way relationship . With family I guess it depends on your family !

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Originally Posted by Secondtimearound

It changes things so much though ! I don't think I could provide care for my friends or family ! Right now I'm doing care for my friends friend . It has really changed how I can go out and vent ! Not that there is a problem at all with the little one but it almost feels like three way relationship . With family I guess it depends on your family !

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I agree, it changes how and who we can vent too! My family ran a restaurant so I know what it's like to work with/for family and it can be rough at times! If it's my side of the family, I have no issue taking them on because we can hash it out and move on. However this child is my fiances cousins child....they are fine, normal, so far seem to have the potential to be a great dc family and can afford me. I'm not overly close to them but they are very nice, same age as us and my fiancé and her were close as kids/teens. If it all works out I will likely take them on as she is quite terrified of finding quality care thanks to some stories friends have told her and a few experiences she's had with her nieces daycares. She doesn't know how easy she will find it to trust someone she doesn't know.

I just like to avoid awkward situations with people I know and for that reason I've limited my risk of this by not taking on friends and family. I have two friends who I would take on in a heartbeat though as I know our friendships could handle it. But there's always that "what if" I guess....lol

Glad that you talked to her and you feel better now!

Exactly !! Especially when your doing a good job and they find a small issue and suddenly there's awkwardness !!! I'm horrible in those situations !! My younger sister is brilliant at handling things !! I'm more like "what !!!!"
I like to be unfiltered on girls night !!! Lol

lol....I am so unfiltered!! It comes in handy with dcparents though because I can usually tell them things that are bothering in me in a non confrontational way. I am definitely getting better at biting my tongue though as I get older haha. If I'm tired or cranky though, watch out....my true feelings don't hide!!!

Most of my friends and family know how I am and know how I "parent" my daycare children so that right away takes away some of the unknown lol. The two friends who I would take on are pretty much identical in regard to my methods but know that if something were to be different, they are okay with it because they know their child would be well looked after here. Unfortunately, only one lives in the same city as me :(

Good for you 3Littlemonkeys
I sure that was a hard talk but you did it