Visiting Smoking Relatives.

Hello all.
My father is a heavy smoker. Like a cigarette about every 20-30 minutes. I suffer from terrible, debilitating migraines and have discovered that second hand smoke is a major trigger for me to have a migraine. Anyhow, he always smokes in his house and has invited everyone over for a visit over the long weekend. I have mentioned to him that it has a tendency to give me migraines and he just says, oh I will open a window. Well that's not enough, so I have said I will come but if he smokes around me I will have to leave. Now he's angry with me and so are my siblings. They basically have told me I am being ridiculous and selfish for not visiting my own father. I do feel guilty about it but I also don't want to deal with the days and days of pain and feeling just awful a visit to his home will bring. Sorry. Just needed to vent a bit. Am I being selfish?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by busydaycarelady

....Am I being selfish?

---

Not from my perspective ... your health trumps their 'right to smoke'!

I am the worst kinda 'non smoker' I am an 'ex smoker' .... and I personally cannot stand being around smoke ~ second or THIRD hand smoke for that matter gives me migraines and makes my stomach upset ... just walking through it at the bloody entrances to malls is enough to give me a headache!

My poor stepson lives with two smokers at his other house and for the past 8 years has had to come through the door at our house, strip down naked and get right into the shower and scrub his hair and body with exfoliating cloth and put on clean clothes from here because just the smell of the smoke 'on him' is bothersome to me and his clothes get laundered immediately by themselves and put in a 'bag' until it is time to go home and than he changes into them and leaves his clothes from 'us' here so they do not become stinky with it too ... we even had to get him a second winter coat and everything because everything STINKS of it and it was transferring to our coats just being 'beside' each other in the closet!

I personally do not go to places where smoking is permitted 'inside' either ... when family members who smoke come to my house they are instructed there will be no smoking in the house or on the property because my home is a 'place of business' and is subject to 'no smoking bi~laws' I can blame the local government because I even had to put up no smoking signs on my entrances and in the bathrooms to be up to 'code' ;)

I don't think you are being selfish at all! I grew up always going to relatives where they would smoke inside around us kids. I have not brought my daughter to see them because of this. They are not happy with me because of it but I'm sorry, if you can't respect our health to not light up inside while we come for a visit then too bad.

Quote:

---

Not from my perspective ... your health trumps their 'right to smoke'!

---

So very true.
Why not suggest going out for dinner. That way you can all get together and your father can step outside for a smoke.

This is what always boggles my mind about those smokers who 'refuse' to accomodate someones wish to not be around 'second hand smoke' for themselves or their children?

As an EX smoker I had to manage to make it through 4 or more hours of my 'working shift' without a smoke before my break came and I did not 'die from withdrawal' ... I am pretty sure that most workplaces now are even stricter on where you can smoke so they must be used to that too .... so how hard is it to make it through a few hour visit with someone you LOVE if they truly feel that strongly that they not be exposed to your toxic brew?

I have suggested going out for dinner and he says no. He wants to make it himself. I think this is also so that he can smoke whenever he wants to.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by busydaycarelady

.... I think this is also so that he can smoke whenever he wants to.

---

IMO the sign of a true 'addict' is when they choose their addition over their loved ones and well personally sometimes the best thing we can do for those people that addicted to a dangerous substance is TOUGH LOVE by refusing to accommodate or be around their addiction ... maybe than when they are lonely and at rock bottom they will be in a place to finally 'quit' and do what they need to to protect their own health ... this is not YOU being selfish this is you saying "I love myself enough to make the very hard choice not to expose myself to smoke even if it means I do not get to spend time with you and I love YOU enough to not enable your addiction by allowing you to engage in it in the presence of me or others! You have to choose what is more important to you ~ your addiction or your relationship with me and your grand kids?" ;)

You aren't being selfish at all. One of my aunts smokes and it's basically just accepted that if we are getting together at her house for a family function, we do it when the weather is warm and we can be outside.

Busydaycarelady, my 4 children all started smoking when they were teenagers and I made them smoke outside in all kinds of weather hoping it would slow down their habit. And being teenagers they smoked in the house once in a while when I was at work but I always knew the second I came home. All they had to do was get close to me and my throat closed up. I cannot be around smoke or the smoke that even wafts off clothes.

Once a couple of my children quit smoking in their 20's they realized I was not in fact over-reacting!!! They apologized to me. Smokers really don't realize how stinky they are!!!

So I'm writing this to tell you that I completely understand how you feel. I absolutely cannot BREATHE around smokers and it's kind of important to breathe. Your headaches are REAL. I'm so sorry that your family doesn't understand. Unfortuately, they have a right to their life in their home but can you visit for a short time, take some medicine before you, stay in a hotel instead of in their home if it's a weekend visit, you know, find ways to compromise and yet stay healthy?

Its kind of funny(and not in a haha sort of way) but people who have never had a migraine don't seem to believe you when you try to explain just how painful they are and that Advil or Tylenol won't even put a dent in the pain a bit. Thanks all for being so understanding.

I had migraines as well as an ulcer for a while when I was going to college. My doctor gave me a list of things to avoid, citric acid, chocolate, caffeine, red wine, I can't remember all the rest. Do you know all of that Busydaycarelady? Check into everything you can do to avoid migraines. I know they are painful and you need quiet and dark and that isn't possible when you are a Mommy especially, let alone any normal busy woman. Thankfully, I healed and I haven't been plagued with either for years. Stress WILL kill you!

I've said for years the only thing that kills a migraine is sleep! Well, that's what does it for mine, anyway. They're horrible. I used to get them a lot, and I was a smoker then. If people do not understand that's simply their problem, not yours. If people do not believe you about how severe migraine headaches can be, tell them to read this: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/mig...CTION=symptoms.

I have been researching migraine triggers and gave found stress, lack of sleep, alcohol, weather changes, poor posture and smoke cause them for me. Also trying to find more by eliminating things from my diet for a month, seeing how I feel, them reintroducing it and seeing if it affects me. I have some triptans to take when they get really bad but they knock me out so I can't take them when I have kids to look after. I am slowly trying to pinpoint triggers and stay away from known ones. It's just hard when people don't believe it's a real problem for you and that I need them to help me avoid triggers not expose me to them. *sigh*

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by busydaycarelady

Hello all.
My father is a heavy smoker. Like a cigarette about every 20-30 minutes. I suffer from terrible, debilitating migraines and have discovered that second hand smoke is a major trigger for me to have a migraine. Anyhow, he always smokes in his house and has invited everyone over for a visit over the long weekend. I have mentioned to him that it has a tendency to give me migraines and he just says, oh I will open a window. Well that's not enough, so I have said I will come but if he smokes around me I will have to leave. Now he's angry with me and so are my siblings. They basically have told me I am being ridiculous and selfish for not visiting my own father. I do feel guilty about it but I also don't want to deal with the days and days of pain and feeling just awful a visit to his home will bring. Sorry. Just needed to vent a bit. Am I being selfish?

---

anyone who has ever had a migraine would never call you selfish but anyone who has never had a migraine wont understand.

Will you be staying at their house for the weekend? If thats the plan I would suggest staying at a hotel so that at least you can get away from it. Smokers get very defensive about their habit and even if he didnt smoke in the house when you were there, the stale smoke would probably be enough to set off a migraine. I understand migraine pain and he needs to understand how it affects you and that this could cause you to possibly have to take time off work as well.
Tough situation. If it were me, I would either just go for the day and take meds before I got there to help ward off the migraine and get out for fresh air often. If a day trip isnt possible because of distance, definately stay in a hotel. as for your siblings, Im guessing maybe they are smokers so it doesnt affect them. Take care of yourself first.

I am sorry that you were put into this position. I am also a "reformed" smoker. There is nothing more disgusting to me than when someone comes in from a puff and you get that stanky old wave of stale cigarette odor. **UGH**
I would just say, to your dad (because it's actually none of your siblings business), "I love you, and want to be around you, but being at your home makes me physically suffer." Can he come cook at your house? Maybe you can host, and dad can do all the cooking?
Even if you went, and nobody smoked the whole time you were there, you would probably still get a migraine, no? At this point, it is imbedded into the drywall and furnishings, if he has been smoking for a while.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Inspired by Reggio

I personally do not go to places where smoking is permitted 'inside' either ...

---

I am a smoker. Nobody has ever smoked in our house. Who even still smokes in their house? GROSS.

For the record, before anyone gets all judgeypants, I don't smoke at all during daycare hours, and never in the home.

Nothing wrong with not going over to his house for long periods of time. Does he live close enough that you could go over for supper only, and ask him super sweet with a cherry on top, if he could just step outside to have his smokes during the few hours you are there?....I do find that smokers have the ability to put their "addiction" on very low priority, as if it should be like second nature to everyone else like it is to them. My husband smokes, it is very hard for the kids and I to deal with. We do have an agreement that he not smoke in the house, and he doesn't during the week, but on the weekends when the weather is cold he will sit by the sliding glass doors in the dining room and have a cigarette, he doesnt understand that it comes into the house and the kids and I have to breath it aswell, he will also smoke in the car, GGRRRR! makes me furious and upsets the kids, but like I said, their addiction is so overwhelming to them that they think what is second nature to them, should be to all those around them....IMO, that is a very selfish attitude. Although I completely understand that your fathers home is his home and if he chooses to smoke in it, there is nothing you can really do, but...if you asked him to kindly use the out doors during a short visit due to your medical needs (migraines are no fun) if he loved you, there should be a middle ground you both could find in order to be together. NTM if going to his house is too dif for you? invite him to yours....pretty sad that his addiction could possibly get in the way of your relationship and time spent together, I hope you can come to an agreement somehow!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Alphaghetti

I am a smoker. Nobody has ever smoked in our house. Who even still smokes in their house? GROSS.

For the record, before anyone gets all judgeypants, I don't smoke at all during daycare hours, and never in the home.

---

You sound like one of my daughters who smokes and she has a son but she goes out on her balcony in all kinds of weather and would never smoke in the house or in the car with her son. When you go into her house you would never know a smoker lived there. But I have walked into houses before and it's in all the furniture and just wafting off of everything. I can't even stay in a house like that and I bet that's what Busydaycarelady's Dad house smells like.

I like Mom-in-alberta's advice:

I would just say, to your dad (because it's actually none of your siblings business), "I love you, and want to be around you, but being at your home makes me physically suffer." Can he come cook at your house? Maybe you can host, and dad can do all the cooking?
Even if you went, and nobody smoked the whole time you were there, you would probably still get a migraine, no? At this point, it is imbedded into the drywall and furnishings, if he has been smoking for a while.

(Sorry, I don't know how to do a double quote)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Alphaghetti

I am a smoker. Nobody has ever smoked in our house. Who even still smokes in their house? GROSS.

For the record, before anyone gets all judgeypants, I don't smoke at all during daycare hours, and never in the home.

---

My judgeypants are in the wash, so you're off the hook today, Alpha.... :laugh: (jokes!!)