WWYD with this 2 yo

I have a 2 yo dcb who has been with me for just over 2 months.

At the interview, he was misbehaved and the parents did not do anything about it, other than occassionally yell at him. Big red flag that I ignored, I know. I figured that with consistent rules here I could 'train' him. I know, I know.

When he first started, he was always grabbing from the other kids, pushing, hitting... none of which I tolerate. He was always corrected immediately and redirected. He has also had a hard time following the rules.

After 6 weeks, his behaviours started to worsen. He refused to listen to me (very defiant) and was getting more aggressive with the other dcks... shoving one girl in particular.

I have talked to his mom about it, explained that I have zero tolerance for this aggression. I have been immediately removing him from the situation and telling him that he is not to hurt his friends.

I am his second daycare. The first, according to mom, had no structure and was just play and tv. All of the kids were around the same age. She asked her other provider if he hit while there and she said yes. Mom has also talked about getting him on a good and regular schedule (they are a busy family).

Anyways, things have not improved. He is targeting one of the dcks in particular with his shoving and I feel like I can't trust him to play nicely with the others.

I am leaning towards having another chat with mom and telling her that he has until the end of November to turn it around.

I try to create a 'yes' environment for the dcks... yet even that doesn't seem to work for this dcb. He knows the rules, he knows when he is doing something inappropriate because he will look at me to see if I am going to say something. I know testing is normal but this is driving me batty. I don't want to spend the entire day making sure that this dcb is doing something he shouldn't be. I don't feel like it's fair to him to spend the majority of his time being shadowed or restricted, either.

So wwyd?

A couple weeks of shadowing you may help in the sense that if he is looking at you before doing the deed then he knows. So having to suffer the effects of shadowing because he can't be trusted might encourage him to change things around. Do one week of total shadowing for M-W then give him a chance to have a bit more freedom Th and either he comes back to shadow or he earns more away time. Always have shadowing on Monday since he will have lost the effect over the weekend and then let him have chances. But once he has lost the chance it is lost for the entire day. One strike and out that is it. Tough love sort of approach. Sitting on the kitchen floor alone while you make lunch - no talking/interacting with him gets boring.

After that then terminating isn't out of the question as in why should the others suffer any longer but giving it a chance to be turned around at daycare - don't worry about what happens at home as all you care about is how child acts with you. He learns the new rules or he doesn't stay. The makings of a bully for sure. Amazingly the more they go back in the lives of teen/adult bullies the signs were there as toddlers/preschoolers and got ignored. What you are teaching the child is self-control and self-restraint as well as empathy for the feelings and needs of others.

Sometimes a child like this needs to be in a daycare centre where there are more adults and someone can take him out when needed and they have access to professional consultants that can work with the whole family.

Thanks. I think I know how this is going to play out but I will give it a shot for the rest of the month.

IF you are willing to give it one more shot, then I think shadowing is the best option.
I know you feel it's not fair to him, but it's even less fair to the rest of the children who are getting hurt.
Best of luck, let us know how it turns out!

Well I shadowed him right up until the end of yesterday. This morning he was here for 10 minutes and already breaking the rules. He then refused to stay near me so I had him sit. He refused to sit and I had to constantly bring him back.

It is intentional because he looks at me, I say no, and then he does it anyway. He has a little smirk and will even smile when he does things. I have tried the reinforcement of positive behaviour but there is VERY little of that.

And shadowing is not new for him. In the past 3 weeks I have shadowed him at 1 point each week for a few days before reintegrating him to the group. He deserves to be in a situation where he can behave, or wants to. I am obviously not that environment, which I think makes it unfair to him. Maybe he would be like this anywhere? Who knows.

It is not fair to my group that I have to spend so much time with him. We don't get to do any of our activities because I am constantly having to reel him in. I have to coordinate our efforts to get outside, get washed up, etc b/c I am worried about who he is next to.

To clarify: To me it doesn't matter what the rules are at home. Just that there are rules and consistent follow throughs. Mom is a yeller. WOn't follow through. I told her that it needs to be a consistent expectation to follow the rules here and at home, or else have consequences. They also regularly keep him out until 10 at night. So I know sleep (or lack of it) affects his behaviour, too.

His mom regularly makes excuses for his behaviour. It's the age, he's a boy, he didn't sleep well last night, he had lots of sugar.... I don't care why he isn't behaving. The point now is that he needs to. He knows what the rules are. There are consequences for his misbehaviour, and he still doesn't listen.

My main issue is that I am concerned for the safety of my group. If he will not listen to me, and I am busy with another child, I am worried he will hurt himself or someone else. I believe he is becoming a liability to my business.

So I guess I have answered my own question. I am telling mom tonight that he needs to show improvement by the end of the month or he will no longer be able to attend. Any acts of aggression are an immediate call for pickup.

Anyways, thanks for the input. Another reason why you shouldn't ignore red flags during interviews.

Interviews are hard. I had a little boy start a month ago. He was horrible at the interview but I was desperate because I needed my spot filled. He is such a sweet boy and very well behaved. He listens (as well as a 15 month old can), he is happy, naps well and eats good. I honestly wouldn't have likely taken him if I would have based it on my first impression.

Hopefully your boy starts to behave and mom takes it seriously. Some parents just let their kids away with anything. If you aren't willing to deal with it anymore give notice sooner than later. It is amazing how better your day will be without a child demanding all of your attention.

Given the responses you are getting from mom that this is just the way the child behaves no matter what is going on - teeth, sleep, sugar - as you say who cares and sorry but after awhile the excuses don't hold any weight on the issue. I agree he has lost his chances and if you can simply give notice - he has had enough chances for a turn around. A complete turn around is in order for him and that means starting afresh in a new care situation too where past habits do not exist. Suggest an age equivalent program where he is with peers and not a mixed group with younger kids - needs a big kid to bully him a bit and put him in his place but don't share that last part with mom. Time to put the ads up today for a replacement and this one stays only as long as you need to give notice according to contract. Too close to Christmas and fun things to do to tolerate him much longer.

Why do parents think it is ok for their kids to act this way? Just boggles my mind.

So... Last Thursday he had a terrible day. Constantly not listening and I had to intervene twice before he went after the dcg he has been targeting. I told mom at pick up that he was becoming unmanageable and that I would be writing a plan of action.

I was going to give until the end of the month but instead decided that he would be put on probation for a week. I reminded the mom that there was enough cause for immediate termination, however I was willing to work with him for another week. If there was improvement, I would extend the probation by another week. If there were 5 or more disruptive behaviours in one day, he needed to be picked up immediately. If there were 3 or more days of pick ups required, care was terminated. If there was 1 act of aggression, he was done.

She came in tears and begged me to reconsider. I stuck to my guns and reiterated that I needed to keep the group's well-being and safety in mind. She asked to come and watch him interact to see his behaviour (!) and I reminded her that kids will always act differently when there is another adult around, esp. mom. So no. I told her I would document those behaviours that went above and beyond and send it home.

Friday she picked him up early and he had 4 behaviours. Monday she kept him home. She asked me what I thought, if she should look for other care. I told her yes, I thought that was best as I didn't think I would see improvement. She was upset and worried about finding other care. Well my area is saturated with daycares, so not really concerning, imo.

Yesterday he came and looked ill but had no fever and was relatively quiet so was here all day. Not one behaviour issue which is NOT like him at all. Today she brings him in, tries to run out the door while calling out that he has a cough. Didn't wait for me to come and greet him like I always do. I told her to hold up and came down to see him. The poor little guy looked miserable. I felt his head, it seemed okay. She said he had been up through the night coughing. I said I would see how he did but that if he was too tired he would need to be picked up. Then I listened to his breathing and told her he seemed raspy. She said... "Well they told me his croup cough would come back." Um, what? I said, I don't accept that and he has had a runny nose the last couple of days so to me it would be a new cough. I told her I would see how he did but if he started coughing like that he will need to be picked up immediately. She left right quick.

Anyways, within 10 minutes he is coughing a raspy cough and wheezing. I called her to come and get him. She hadn't even made it to work. I told her he is not able to come back until Friday at the earliest and only if he is symptom free. If he is still coughing, I need a doctor's note stating what is wrong with him, not that he is fine to return to daycare, and that it will be my discretion whether or not he is readmitted.

So long story short: he's done. Because I am not letting him back in. I am 99% sure she doped and dropped yesterday and was trying to bring a croupy kid into me today. Seriously? I'm glad they are gone b/c I would have termed over this. Why did I even stress over this inconsiderate parent?

And she's asked for pictures of him that I have taken while he is here. "Because it looks like he was having a blast." For me to put on her USB stick. Um, no!

Sounds like you are doing the right thing. I can't believe what some people think is normal and acceptable in regards to their children. i like the behaviour plan that you came up with - it sounds really professional. I had one mom tell me a few weeks ago that she gave her kid gravol to knock him out at bedtime because he was wild and wouldn't go to sleep. Seriously? Why are parents so afraid to be firm and set boundaries for their children?
Unbelievable.

Definitely sounds like you and this family were not a match!! Hoping for a great new family to fill that spot now.
:)

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Originally Posted by playfelt

Tough love sort of approach. Sitting on the kitchen floor alone while you make lunch - no talking/interacting with him gets boring.

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Playfelt, do you have any suggestions for a similar situation with a dcb, 2 years old, who will not sit and abide by the no talking/interacting? I use a lot of positive reinforcement and reminders with my dcb who is aggressive and has started pushing, hitting, and throwing, but he still continues the negative behaviours. If I remove him from a situation for being aggressive (it's a zero tolerance for intentional hitting or pushing), he tantrums, tries to run away, basically refuses to listen to me. The layout of my home both upstairs and downstairs is open concept so gating off a separate area is not an option. I struggle with getting this dcb to follow even basic rules of daycare and I'm really not sure how to move forward.

I would appreciate any advice. Thanks!