This has been a constant in my mind for a long time and since Torontokids post about finding your passion this all came flowing out. I can not deny the truth anymore as things have to change. My physical and mental wellbeing is slowly but surely declining so it is a time for change. So just an offload really ladies, taking a moment to let down my façade and take a human minute.
I had plans to go and do my degree next year but I decided over the last month or so that I would put it off until my youngest (currently grade 6) has finished school as I have doubts of being able to cope with the workload and stress of doing a Psych degree while meeting the needs of my 2e son. His needs are growing as he gets older so I just don't think it would be the best for either of us if I took that on until his graduation. That being said, I cannot keep doing this job.
I love the children and get great satisfaction in aiding their early year’s upbringing and development, but the isolation is positively killing me mentally. I suffer with PTSD and one of the biggest symptoms for me is Chronic Fatigue so I very much need to interact with others outside the home to aid in my recovery. I want to work with at risk youth in the future in the LGBT community but without the education I am unable to right now and even volunteer work at my age in that field is tough to get. I was thinking of training to be a medical secretary or similar where I am busy and interact with others but only work typical office hours, and also do some volunteer work with youth where possible. I really want to be home in the evenings and on weekends with my children. They are fortunately old enough and independent enough to get themselves off to school and get in and organized afterward also. I need to focus on being happy as otherwise the benefits of being home and working are diminished by my unhappiness which does not benefit my family and right now it is a daily battle which just isn’t something I can keep investing in so things have to change. I have one life to live, that's it just one chance. There is that which I have no control over, but that which I do have a hand in controlling, I owe to myself to act towards changing.
One of my big issues lies with money. My husband has an incredible job which is fortunate but we have very much fallen into nasty habits with my money and have become accustomed to the extra cash flow. A major lifestyle and attitude change needs to be made on my part where having this warped sense of income level and qualification level is what justifies a person’s worth. It was drummed into my head from such a young age that I should get a degree. When I was 7 my dad would tell friends that I would end up at Oxford or Cambridge University. I am very intelligent but way to set me up with an incredibly high goal Dad…for the longest time I have battled with this ridiculous notion that without achieving this I am not worthy or adequate. It is a work in progress as I understand this is stupid but it’s hard to change a habit of a lifetime. I cannot walk away from this work until changes have been made and I feel that small steps will likely be more productive rather than trying to do everything at once.
My daycare day right now is very mundane which I don’t think helps at all. I am currently transitioning kids back in after the break 2 x 11mth olds, a 16mth old and a 2 ½ yr old so it’s just a succession of diapers, naps, milk and not much in the way of playing. The younger three are all seriously mollycoddled by their mothers which really is problematic for having them cry for physical contact all to often and while I am trying hard to stick with not buying into it and getting them out of it, the Xmas break threw a wrench in the works. Freakin’ parents don’t seem to give any thought to how their actions affect their children’s social development.
