Probationary Period Letter...input please & ty

This is the letter I plan to give to the mother of my AP kid at pick up today. I am going to talk to her about everything in it but I want her to have something in writing to take away with her too. I have a good feeling that she will panic and look for alternative care as she returns to work in 1 week rather than doing her part to help at home. Dcb didnt eat yesterday as he was screaming so much and today I managed to get a few mouthfuls in but he was screaming so he was red as a beetroot......his mother told me that last night she had a great sleep as her hubby slept in the spare bedroom snuggled up with the little guy all night...Bloody Hell woman, what the heck are you creating to then bring to group care. His inability to self sooth is so problematic when he is at the point of being 12 months old and 100% reliant on his mother or father for bringing him comfort, rather than developing some skills he will need in life to sooth himself to some degree. I have restrained from voicing my opinion on AP to the family as obviously and honestly it is totally up to them what they do, but I cant hold back here anymore on my feelings. I have a right to them and I have this perspective of how debilitating it actually is to his healthy social development. I'm sure he will get over it in years to come but at what expense?....anyhow, rant over just wanted to get that off my chest and now back to being professional :D

Here is the letter...I'd love some feedback if you think I am missing anything or need to rephrase it. It's just to back up what I say at the door which will no doubt be much more detailed conversation

This letter is to confirm what was discussed at the door during pick up today. In the best interests of Johnny, the other children and myself, the next two weeks will be a final transition period for Johnny. During this time and by the end of the time period if I do not see an improvement in Johnny settling in and being able to happily partake in the daycare day at least some of the time, then I will no longer be able to provide care in my daycare for Johnny. I have tried the gradual entry method as per your request but so far there has been no success. After 3 weeks of part time followed by two consecutive weeks of M-Th, the first week still being shorter days of 9-3 and the second week being full days of 7:30-4:30, this is ample time to see a change in Johnny and I sincerely hope that he can settle in as I think he could be a great addition to daycare. Unfortunately, if he is not able to, then daycare will cease immediately, his last day of care being Thursday 6th February 2014. This notice is in place of the two weeks termination notice and throughout the two weeks I will definitely keep you verbally updated as to how he is doing and hopefully things will work out. I understand that this is a difficult situation for you to be placed in, but I have three other children and their family’s needs to think about, so it is important to think about the effects of a child not settling in and how that impacts the dynamic and well being of the group.

Kind Regards

I'd say that's quite well worded. Very minor grammatical errors, but well worded. A letter like that would make me think. The only change I can think of might be a small addition. Suggest that she may need private in home care if he doesn't change. That higher cost may give her reason to consider trying to change.

Haha Mike. You are funny. This is my first quick draft so not concerned about grammar, that will come when I have finished everything else. I don't touch type, but type pretty fast without to much punctuation so I generally edit that during my final read through. Really just looking for others perspective on content.

It looks good. How did it go with the mom? Was she receptive?

That's what I mean by well worded. I think it covers everything. It explains the issue, the lack of success, the alternatives, the 2 possible endings, and even why it's a concern at all. It's quite complete for a first quick draft.

She picks up at 3 so we will see, I will give you an update afterward.

Are you going to talk to mom verbally about what your specific concerns re: e.g. co-sleeping and nursing to sleep and how this translates to group care? You don't have to mention AP, I think self soothing is a basic skill that he needs to learn. I had a mother who co-slept with her child and he transitioned terribly (I had to sleep train him every week as he was part time). I spoke frankly with the mom and told her that if he is to be successful at dc, he needs to develop this skill and in order to do this she needs to do something different. The mom "got it" and tried but was not able to do it so I terminated. I think if we make it about the child rather then their parenting, parents are often more receptive.

I don't see anything wrong necessarily with AP, co-sleeping and nursing on demand. I have done all those things with my two girls at one point or another, I also applaud anyone still nursing after the 1st year especially if they have to go back to work outside the home. But I also recognized that my girls needed to be prepared for other people to care for them, it is not fair to put that responsibility on someone else.

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Originally Posted by torontokids

Are you going to talk to mom verbally about what your specific concerns re: e.g. co-sleeping and nursing to sleep and how this translates to group care? You don't have to mention AP, I think self soothing is a basic skill that he needs to learn. I had a mother who co-slept with her child and he transitioned terribly (I had to sleep train him every week as he was part time). I spoke frankly with the mom and told her that if he is to be successful at dc, he needs to develop this skill and in order to do this she needs to do something different. The mom "got it" and tried but was not able to do it so I terminated. I think if we make it about the child rather then their parenting, parents are often more receptive.

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I will be having a verbal face to face at pick up time but I already have spoken about this so I don't really know how to go about this further without overstepping my boundary as a dcp. I do believe strongly that if what a parent is doing at home effects my day then I have the right to say something, but I can't tell her what to do. Plus, she is so adament that what she is doing is okay that what can I really say?? I think your approach sounds good...

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I think self soothing is a basic skill that he needs to learn. I had a mother who co-slept with her child and he transitioned terribly (I had to sleep train him every week as he was part time). I spoke frankly with the mom and told her that if he is to be successful at dc, he needs to develop this skill and in order to do this she needs to do something different.

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and it really just deals with how certain things translate to group care versus her parenting techniques and whether I think they are right or wrong.

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Originally Posted by AmandaKDT

I don't see anything wrong necessarily with AP, co-sleeping and nursing on demand. I have done all those things with my two girls at one point or another, I also applaud anyone still nursing after the 1st year especially if they have to go back to work outside the home. But I also recognized that my girls needed to be prepared for other people to care for them, it is not fair to put that responsibility on someone else.

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The question isn't whether it is right or wrong in this situation as this is about what translates positively to group care and what doesnt. Also there is a big difference between on demand feeding a child under 6 months and having a 12mth old pull down your top for the breast not because he is hungry but because it soothes him. Also getting him back to sleep by nursing for an hour while co-sleeping at 12 months old is in my opinion not the best thing for the child's healthy psychosocial development. Nursing a child because they are hungry is one thing, nursing them as a method of soothing them is not what breast milk is for. It is sustenance not comfort. I know they come hand in hand for a very small baby but this child is 12 months old and as a result of this can not sooth himself AT ALL so how is it of any benefit to him? Aside from this which is not really the subject in terms of group care issues, she is the parent, the primary caregiver and to leave me to deal with the aftermath of these practices for 10 hours a day and then not reinforce what I have have worked hard on at home but to continue inhibiting his ability to self sooth is detrimental to the child in a group setting. Ongoing, I hazard a guess that if she does not make any kind of changes this child will be at high risk for social issues which will be much harder to resolve. This child can not even make it through the day with a single minute not being taken up by him screaming and wailing and when his mother arrives, he is in a state of bliss as the cotton wool gets wrapped back around him again.

Its nearly crunch time, I will be back shortly with an update!

UPDATE!!....Okay so dad picked up which made the conversation that much easier as he has already said that little Johnny is only attached to her and while he co-sleeps occasionally, he rarely settles for him like he does for mum.

He completely understood what I said and totally agreed that it wasn't fair on the other kids. He didn't take anything the wrong way and understood that this wasn't "bad behavior" but a much bigger problem that needed to be dealt with at home. He said that he thinks his wife will be completely devastated but that doesn't surprise me as she is neurotic to be honest and her response to her child's screaming all day is to breast feed him to calm him down....what can I say other than that I know a lot of people on here and elsewhere have told me to term immediately and that they wouldn't have put up with it for this long so to give them 2 weeks to try and improve things versus just a flat out 2 weeks notice of termination is a good deed I am doing for them and hopefully they will change some practices at home to promote and teach self soothing to do their part in trying to save their daycare spot. At this point I am happy with how I dealt with things and feel I have invested more than enough on my end in helping this child so the ball is in their court and the clock is a ticking!!

Good job Bright Sparks, sounds like it couldn't have gone better! Hopefully mom is on board with making some changes.....and if not, that is fine too but she better start looking for dc!

Good luck, and I hope for the boys sake that mom does decide to adjust.

Well done Bright Sparks! Some good lessons learned through your rough experience. Thanks for the insight and glad the situation is on it's way to be resolved one way or another.

Would definitely be interested in what Mom has to say when you see her next.

Glad it was dad at pick up. Maybe he can explain it to mom in a way that you're not allowed to e.g. "sally, stop doing what you're doing. You are setting our child up to fail. Plus I would like to not have a baby in our bed once in a while and actually have sex."

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Originally Posted by mickyc

Would definitely be interested in what Mom has to say when you see her next.

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Yep, inquiring minds wanna know :)