No praising?

A few months a go I took on a new part-time child. Everything has gone great with the child and the parents so far, but this morning Mom and I were talking and she asked me if I could stop praising her child. She continued to say that she and her husband feel I praise too much and they would like their child to do things for herself and not for others approval... I was totally caught off guard and didn't really know how to respond to that. I told mom I would try and cut back on little things. But that I would not stop praising her.

I also told mom that for behavior management I use positive reinforcement, which involves praising the child. (I have a large section in my handbook that outlines my 3 tiers of behavior management and the first tier is all about positive reinforcement)

Mom seemed ok with my response and left happy. But Im still shaking my head... I have been a home daycare provider for 10 years, and prior to that I work in a centre, and performed back up childcare for my sisters home daycare and I have never came across this kind of request before. Have any of you other ladies heard a request like this before?

I really dont feel I "praise too much" but now Im curious....

How often do you praise your children and daycare children?

What would you have said to mom?

Any suggestions incase it comes up again?

I think it is great that you are praising the daycare kids. It is so much easier to focus on the things they are doing wrong.

That being said, I do think there is such a thing as too much praise. Some people are so extreme and pretty much praise children for breathing! heh heh. Also, there are different kinds of praise. Something more meaningful e.g. "I saw that you took a deep breath to calm down." or "I noticed you used your words with Bobby." Which is more concrete/observational Vs "Good job Bobby!" which is more cheer leading.

There is also a school of thought that suggests the later is less helpful for kids as they start to look to external reinforcements rather then learning to do things for themselves.

I wouldn't worry about it too much. They said what they needed to say and they will parent her how they choose. You can continue to do as you are doing but maybe as you told her, ease up a bit to help her develop these skills.

What kind of praising do you do? Empty praise does more harm than good, saying 'good job' all the time is actually not ideal.

Giving positive feedback like 'you did it all by yourself' and 'you really preserved with trying to tie your shoes yourself' acknowledges what the child did and gives them feedback as to what they should keep doing without just 'good job'ing' them. Thjs tends to be more favorable then 'good job' according to most research in child development.

I rarely use no, don't or focus on what not to do, I comment on the behaviors I want to see but I pretty much never say 'good job'.

Research does show that it leads to an external drive and that child lose enjoyment in what they do when they are continually rewarded. My ECE training was pretty detailed in this topic and how to avoid praising too much and how to do it in a way that lead to more internal drive. I suspect these parents are approaching it from that manner.

Interesting. What do you praise the children for?

My thoughts are you are likely praising too much if the parents are asking as they would really only see you in action a few minutes at drop off and pick up time. Did they say what their child is doing at home to warrant them to request this?

I don't know what kind of praising you do or how often so I have no idea if the parent is right or not to be concerned. However, I do see the parent's POV.

I have caught myself using too much praise and using empty praise from time to time. It's something I have to be very aware of as "good job" just comes out so easily lol. It's a work in progress for me!

Thank you everyone for your feedback.

I do agree that there is such a thing as too much praise, and I agree that there are empty praises and meaningful praise. Id say 98% of the time it is meaningful praises that I am doling out.

I do see moms point of view, and after reading all the feedback I understand even more her point of view. What made me question it to begin with is that it was brought up after I had thanked the little girl for tidying up her toys she had been playing with.. Mom and I were talking and I noticed little girl had finished her puzzle and tidied it up and put it back on the shelf where it belonged, and I stopped talking with mom for a minute to say. "thank you ______ for tidying up your puzzle and putting it away, now you and your friends will have room to play with other toys." This was when mom asked me to stop praising her child so much.

Mom is still coming in and spending 30-40 minutes with her at drop off in the mornings. So maybe I have been doing a bit too much empty praises while mom is here, I'm thinking perhaps I've been acting a little "too positive" and a little "too encouraging" and "too friendly" while trying to make little girl feel comfortable here and to show mom that I'm a loving caring provider.

Something like you described is a good example!! When children first start with us or are at the age of being taught to put toys away, we will obviously praise a lot because they are still learning what is expected of them and praise is a motivator. As time goes on, and/or they get older, we will start to decrease praising every single time they do this action, as it just something that will become an expectation of them when they are done with something. Perhaps that is what mom has in mind when she asks too praise less?

From what you said in your praise, I assume the child is older? Maybe mom already expects cleaning up toys and doesn't feel the extra praise is needed anymore?

Your example of praise sounds pretty darn good to me! Maybe explain to mom that you are not only praising her child when she takes the initiative to do something on her own but you are using it as a teaching tool for the other children. The other children hear what is said to their friends and when they hear you give such praise to a child they are more likely to do the same...and this is indeed the point of group care!

There is also a good chance you are acting a bit out of character when a parent sticks around so long at drop off! It puts you in the spot light and it is not uncommon to get a tad nervous and end up 'over selling' yourself!!

Okay - I came to Canada from England and I was shocked (that's not an exaggeration) by the endless times I heard "good job", "well done", "way to go. Buddy" and "awesome". It's like a barrage of endless positive enforcement for just breathing independently.

Maybe it's a cultural thing but if your client's aren't originally from Canada, then I can relate.

I was also shocked by how often an instruction was presented as an option - "Dylan, will you please put on your shoes so we can get ready to go home?". LOL So much information, so many options, false impression that it's a request. I love the term used above "Cheerleading". Cheer leading is beyond irritating and annoying because it's false and feels false. Not saying you are saying it falsely but that it's false that praise is needed for basic expectations and so it feels that way too.

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How often do you praise your children and daycare children?

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When they have achieved something which took at least some effort. I'm not talking about pressing some stickers into a book, I'm not talking about putting their shoes in the right place or their coat on the hook - unless they are young and it's the first time they've ever managed to do it independently.

I encourage verbally, "You can do it", "Look what you are doing and you'll be able to manage", "You try and if you try hard and still need help in a while, I'll come and we'll try together", but praise is meant to promote an achievement not a routine action. Otherwise it loses it's meaning and value.

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What would you have said to mom?

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Since you are confused about what she's objecting to or why, I would have said "Can you explain what you think I'm over doing" but I do understand that on the spot that might not have been what I thought of saying. You can ask her tomorrow though :-)

I agree with Rachel here. Too many choices, too much false praise and too often (and I am from Canada lol).

Just a side note - not saying this is you but something to maybe think about. My daughter has dance class one evening a week. In the waiting room is another mom who runs a preschool in town. She drives me crazy when we are there - she does the baby type talk in the high pitched voice and is constantly saying good for you, awesome, constantly praising her child as well as other kids there dancing and in the waiting room. It grates on everyone's nerves (I can see some parents snicker and roll their eyes).

Maybe you are overdoing it with mom there for 30-40 minutes? Also why is she there that long? I personally never allow that.

I agree with Brightsparks. I give praise when it is earned...like when kids will go out of their way to do something for another child, clean up without me asking or finally finishing that difficult puzzle that they've been working on. It does annoy me to no end when parents or caregivers constantly give praise no matter what. Doing something that they are supposed to do anyway is not a reason to give praise.

I think you should be honest and just ask the mom exactly what she means by not giving her praise. I'm also wondering why you are allowing her to stay with her child for 30 to 40 minutes after drop off? It's not a parent and tot playgroup, it's a home daycare....I would never allow that much time for drop off. They get their child's stuff off, say goodbyes and out the door.

Hmm...offhand...do any of you view 'thanks you's' as a form of praise?

No, thank you is a statement of gratitude. It's not praise.

It depends. If you're always saying "thank you for putting the toy away", "Ty for finishing your meal", "Ty for putting the book back", "thank you for going to the washroom" etc than I view that as praise and excessive lol

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Originally Posted by mattsmom

I agree with Brightsparks. I give praise when it is earned...like when kids will go out of their way to do something for another child, clean up without me asking or finally finishing that difficult puzzle that they've been working on. It does annoy me to no end when parents or caregivers constantly give praise no matter what. Doing something that they are supposed to do anyway is not a reason to give praise.

I think you should be honest and just ask the mom exactly what she means by not giving her praise. I'm also wondering why you are allowing her to stay with her child for 30 to 40 minutes after drop off? It's not a parent and tot playgroup, it's a home daycare....I would never allow that much time for drop off. They get their child's stuff off, say goodbyes and out the door.

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Haha I'm the other Brit on here matts on but it wasn't me who posted, it was Rachael lol although I agree completely wi her comments on this topic and totally understand having been here for 9 years from the UK, and it is something that can really grate on me too. Especially when a child is praised for something unnecessarily paired with that silly baby voice....even when they are 10 years old loll

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Originally Posted by SillyGirl_C

Hmm...offhand...do any of you view 'thanks you's' as a form of praise?

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Thank you is a sign of gratitude, acknowledgement and validation, not praise. Very important but it's not the frequency in which they are offered that is important, but when and why they are.

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Originally Posted by 5 Little Monkeys

It depends. If you're always saying "thank you for putting the toy away", "Ty for finishing your meal", "Ty for putting the book back", "thank you for going to the washroom" etc than I view that as praise and excessive lol

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Ok...guilty as charged. We say thank you to her a lot. to be fair though, it has taught her to say thank you to us when we do things for her too. Hmmm....may need to rethink our strategy on this one. Thanks ladies :)

It's tricky! Lol

Obviously saying thank you is never a bad thing but I do think it can easily get out of control. There are just something's that we need to do and are expected of us but I don't feel a "thank you" is always needed. Can you imagine how many times we would say thank you throughout the day when you are watching 4-8 children if you are saying thank you for everything lol

IMO, If it's always given, I think we start to expect it and than we feel under valued when we don't get it even though that's not the case. I also think it starts to lose it's value if we say it for every little thing they do. My husband says thank you A LOT and I know this probably makes me sound horrible, but it sometimes drives me crazy!! Lol. It loses it's meaning because I feel he just says it out of habit/politeness and not because he truly means it (most of the time I know when he truly means it though!)

I have 2 families who say thank you for looking after their children every single day but to be honest, it means more from the other families when they say it occasionally because I feel like the other 2 are just saying it to be polite. Does that make sense....or am I just sounding ungrateful?!

It makes sense to me 5LM in the sense that I don't force the children to do many of those little politeness things as it becomes a ritual and nothing else. I want them to say it because they mean it and that also means understanding why and when to say it. I say it and applaud them if they say it back but don't stand there holding a cookie enticing a 2 year old to say please before they can have it like I know some providers/parents do. I too have parents that ritualistically say thank you as they pick up their kids and while I like it it falls on deaf ears many times as it gets lost as a ritual in that I know they are doing it out of habit too.