DCM dropped the ball on handling a very teachable moment!

What would you ladies have done in this situation....I had a daycare mom bring a mermaid costume to add to our collection. Dcg was excited to give it to us and off we went to start our day. dcg got to wear it first then we took turns and put it away for the day. This afternoon, another dcg was wearing it when the mom who brought it rang the bell. I ushered dcg upstairs we she immediately had a meltdown that she wanted the mermaid costume back. At this point, I had another dcp at the door. The other littles were starting to fight. I could hear dcm coddling dcg telling her that I will be getting the costume in a minute for them so they can leave. So I just took the costume off the other dcg got the costume and handed it to dcm. The other children waiting for their turn with the 'new' costume started to cry. I felt it should have been dcm's job to explain to her child that you don't give something and then take it back. IT was a teachable moment and dcm dropped the ball. I think dcm could see my face that I wasn't pleased. More salt to rub in the wound, when they get home and see the beautiful decorated card that I made thanking dcg for her 'gift' to the daycare. Blah. :no::no: dcg is very entitled and coddled. Drives me batty. Normally I would never allow outside toys at daycare. However, this was a 'gift' for the daycare. Feeling very annoyed.:mad:

Would any of you done any differently? If I didn't have other parents at the door and crying children to attend to, I would have sat for a moment with the dcg and dcm and explained how giving a gift means you DON'T ask for it back. That all her friends will be sad now that she took it. I bet she won't even play with it at home.

I guess I would have done what you did. In that situation, there's really no other option other than making a big scene.

Do you sometimes feel parents need to go back to daycare too? :rolleyes:

Parents are people too. Imperfect people who get things wrong.

So Mom got it wrong, in your view. So the kid is over-indulged in your view. Not saying you wrong, just saying that I am sure when my first child was still only child, I made lot of mistakes and it only having experience of caring for many, many children over decades that I can truly see some of those moment where I totally got it wrong.

What I not have, is a day care provider, looking down her nose and being judgy about my errors and then venting on world wide forum about me making wrong call.

Holy - it not worth getting so upset about.

Was it right? To be honest, who cares. Would you rather be right or happy? Just shrug and let it go.

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If I didn't have other parents at the door and crying children to attend to, I would have sat for a moment with the dcg and dcm and explained how giving a gift means you DON'T ask for it back. That all her friends will be sad now that she took it. I bet she won't even play with it at home.

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LOL Seriously? It one thing to sit down with a child as part of our job and to explain this but it very patronising to do that with a grown adult who doesn't care what your opinion is.

She is not bothered that you think her wrong. She is only bothered by fact kid likely wants it back. Had you sat down with Mom is such a manner, you'd have irritated her immensely because she would feel you were shaming her in front of her child. That not your place. A day care parent is not obligated to listen to your teachable moments.

So what if she doesn't play with it at home? If you need to have a "teachable moment" out of everything, teach the sad kids that life isn't always fair. LOL

I had this exact situation too!! Mom and dcg brought in an item that she never played with and mom was going to sell in their yard sale but she brought it here first and asked if dc would like it. I said, sure.

The kids loved it (drs trolley) and they all played with it all day.

Fast forward to pick up time with dad. She was last child here and threw a FIT!!! She refused to come up the stairs where we were already. She was crying, whining, wailing that she wanted her toy back. I will say that at first dad did well and said no they didn't need it, she could play with it here, it was a gift blah blah blah but he eventually caved when she started to drag it up the stairs herself. I was so shocked at how it went that I was speechless lol. I talked to her the next day about it and said that her home toys were not allowed to come to dc again.

I agree with you Susie that first time parents do make a lot of mistakes, I myself being no exception. I have to remind myself often that there are things that seem obvious to me because I have cared for so many kids for so long and learned so much, but this isn't the case for most parents, especially first time parents.

However, what I do not agree with, is telling people what they should and should not be upset about. That is not your place. If someone wants to vent on this forum about whatever, it is their right do to so. I think in this case the bigger picture is that these parents coddle their child often and the provider probably feels powerless so she came here to vent about an incident.

I would be upset too, though there isn't much you can do. I would simply not let the child bring toys to daycare again.

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Originally Posted by Fun&care

However, what I do not agree with, is telling people what they should and should not be upset about. That is not your place. If someone wants to vent on this forum about whatever, it is their right do to so. I think in this case the bigger picture is that these parents coddle their child often and the provider probably feels powerless so she came here to vent about an incident.

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That okay. I not mind you feel I shouldn't have this view. If I got upset about your view being different to mine, then we would all be the same person.

I am amused that you post to state you think it is not my place to tell people what they shouldn't get upset about. But you think it YOUR place to tell me what I can comment on.

This forum is great for venting as I feel you folks are my 'co-workers and peers' The fact that dcm showed very poor judgement seriously did not keep me up at night LOL. So thanks for the feedback Suzie-Homemaker and I do agree on some of your points....I did not need a 'lesson' on how to feel or run my daycare. If a parent is not correcting a child's bad behaviour in my home I WILL do it and HAVE done it. Unfortunately, I was not provided the opportunity as more pressing matters where at hand....taking care of the children that were clearly distressed at having their turn to wear the costume ripped away. As for posting the vent on the "world wide web forum"...big deal. I did not use her name and clearly was meant for the group.

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Originally Posted by Other Mummy

This forum is great for venting as I feel you folks are my 'co-workers and peers' The fact that dcm showed very poor judgement seriously did not keep me up at night LOL. So thanks for the feedback Suzie-Homemaker and I do agree on some of your points....I did not need a 'lesson' on how to feel or run my daycare. If a parent is not correcting a child's bad behaviour in my home I WILL do it and HAVE done it. Unfortunately, I was not provided the opportunity as more pressing matters where at hand....taking care of the children that were clearly distressed at having their turn to wear the costume ripped away. As for posting the vent on the "world wide web forum"...big deal. I did not use her name and clearly was meant for the group.

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That my point. You get upset about lesson in day care - but feel you entitled to a teachable moment. You not like being called on it but you feel it okay to do that to parent. Some providers seem to forget they not entitled to teachable moments with grown ups.

Suzie it is uncanny how much you sound like Rachael. I've read enough of your posts that I would be willing to bet A LOT that you are indeed her.

And if that's the case, I am not going to bother trying to explain myself again and go back and forth with you. You spend so much of your time being defensive that you don't actually try to understand what some of us are trying to say.

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Originally Posted by Fun&care

Suzie it is uncanny how much you sound like Rachael. I've read enough of your posts that I would be willing to bet A LOT that you are indeed her.

And if that's the case, I am not going to bother trying to explain myself again and go back and forth with you. You spend so much of your time being defensive that you don't actually try to understand what some of us are trying to say.

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I not really worried about what you think. But I am happy not to have interaction with you. Lot of people here who think their view is only one of significance. And lash out at those who hold different view expect them to fall into line. If Rachel also not put up with it, I think I would like her a lot.

Susie......"Holy - it not worth getting so upset about."
That's a bit harsh. It's not ur place to tell someone how to feel. What upsets one person may not faze another. And that doesn't make it wrong. We're all entitled to feel whatever we want and don't need someone telling us not to feel that way when we are already upset.
Also your comment....
"So what if she doesn't play with it at home? If you need to have a "teachable moment" out of everything, teach the sad kids that life isn't always fair. LOL". I don't find that funny. I actually feel For those poor kids.

And I would have sat right there and then and gave the "teachable" moment. Saying look how billy and Carly are upset because they have been waiting for their turn, this was your gift to our daycare...etc...and got mom to back me up. I've actaully done that before as no one was watching out for the upset kids. Everyone was all engross in the one spoiled child yelling and whining. It worked for me and the toy remaind here.

My advice to the OP is don't allow outside toys from that child again :). It will just defuse the situation from happing again and give the child a talk about it too when she comes back in your care. Good luck!! The joys of kids and NOT sharing!!! :)

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Originally Posted by Suzie_Homemaker

I not really worried about what you think. But I am happy not to have interaction with you. Lot of people here who think their view is only one of significance. And lash out at those who hold different view expect them to fall into line. If Rachel also not put up with it, I think I would like her a lot.

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I don't think anyone has a problem with a difference of opinion, I can only speak for myself though. The impression I get, and please folks correct me if I'm wrong, but it's not about agreeing or disagreeing, it's about being respectful in how you communicate that. Now I understand as you have said before that you are of a different culture where you speak your mind and are to the point, which I do prefer tenfold over passiveness, or even worse, passive aggressiveness, but Its when you ridicule/belittle/negate people by making light of their opinion and make them sound like what they think is insignificant by belittling them is what bothers people most. You can disagree strongly without crossing the line to being flat out rude. People come here to vent, agree, don't agree, but to flat out and abruptly belittle people is not a good trait that I think most would agree with. Perhaps people are able to offload here and do a better job on a day to day basis as a result. If that includes mouthing off on how someone gets their blood boiling, who are any of us to judge in a place where members are welcome to come and do as such. Disagreeing with a persons actions is different from telling them in not so many words that they are ridiculous for feeling a certain way...yes I paraphrase because you didn't say that, but it was implied. I have strongly disagreed with people without being aggressive. I think sometimes it isn't what you say, but how you say it which is the problem.

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Originally Posted by babydom

My advice to the OP is don't allow outside toys from that child again :). It will just defuse the situation from happing again and give the child a talk about it too when she comes back in your care. Good luck!! The joys of kids and NOT sharing!!! :)

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I didn't interpret this as being an outside toy issue. This toy was given to the daycare. It wasn't a case of bringing something from home to play with to then take it home....this I never allow. This parent should have backed up the agreement they made with both their child that morning and with the provider who received the toy for the daycare. I would have regardless of the chaos ensuing everywhere else, not given the toy back as it wasn't theirs to take anymore. It would have not required any kind of confrontation with the parent as I have a rule that all daycare families are aware of from day one. My house, my rules. I would have said my piece and then ushered them out the door....tantrum and all. It is a daycare toy now and your friends are playing with it. We will see you tomorrow when you can have a turn again. End of!

^^^^^^well said bright.

Ya I get that. I was saying like don't recieve a "gift" from her again as she'll try to take it home again. Lol.

I had one family who quite often asked if I would like to have a few toys or even hand me downs for my own children. The daycare boy was 2 and would proudly bring in the new toy that we were given. There were very few issues at home time because, through out the day, dcb would say "that's MY toy, it is from MY house!". And then I would say "yes, it was yours, but you have decided to bring it to my house house now so all our friends can play with it, that was so very nice of you!" and I would encourage the others to acknowledge that this was a gift from dcb and that we should all say thank you etc etc. If there was an issue at home time I would not be impressed with the mother taking it back just because the child was having a tantrum. It is most certainly an excellent teaching moment and now the child haas taken two steps back in his sharing skills and it goes without saying that he has his mom wrapped around his finger. It is too bad.

I agree that it was a teachable moment and that it still can be. Maybe spend some time in the next few weeks teaching more about the act of giving. I would gently want to make sure that my daycare group understood that what took place was not a good thing.

If it was my own child I would have been firm on that once you give a gift it no longer belongs to you, it is not yours. It now belongs to who you gave it to. To take something not belonging to you is theft.

I would send a note home saying thank you for the kind gesture, but that at this time you feel it may be best not to accept toy donations to the daycare from children enrolled in care. Her intention was good.

How frustrating!

I'm not sure what I would have done. With my own kids there would be no way I would have taken the gift back. You give something, it's no longer yours to take. If there was a tantrum, I would have picked them up and carried them out to continue the discussion in the car.

Did DCM say anything today at drop off? Apology? Bring it back after a discussion with the child? Act sheepish?

Sometimes in front of other parents is the time to bring something up because it is a teachable moment for everyone. A simple I'm sorry I thought the costume was a gift for the daycare. I misunderstood. Please disregard the thank you note I put in XXX's bag then. And then say well then I guess I will have to remind you that we have a no toys from home brought to daycare because as you can see it causes negative issues and leaves everyone upset.

I think when you look at the INTENT of what mom was trying to do - she meant well.

She thought she would help you, your daycare and make the other kids happy by sharing something. She didn't foresee that her own child would be so upset about it.

I think you handled it the best you could. You really couldn't refuse to give it back so the whole thing sounds sucky but you had no other choice.

I had a daycare family bring in a toy horse that was about 4 inches tall because one of the daycare girls had two the same. I think it was a few months of me hearing from her that it was her horse and that she was the one who brought it to daycare and how she didn't want so and so playing with it that made me regret ever adding it to the toy collection.

I think having parents bring in things is generally not going to go well. The thought behind it is nice but it tends to turn into a problem when a child can stake a claim to something as 'theirs' versus things that belong to the whole group.

I would have been annoyed too, and I probably wouldn't have said anything but my silence would have spoken volumes. I LOVE playfelt's response! That is exactly what my silence would be conveying, lol.

I also agree with this being an awesome place to seek advice, bounce ideas and yes VENT. Who else GETS what we do and deal with on a daily basis? To all the posters, don't let anyone's tone or lack of politeness deter you from posting exactly what you want to post! Ever! The support here is amazing. It's awesome to get such a wealth of opinions in one place, but every and all opinions can be expressed in a mature and tactful way. We're all grown ups here. I hope you all are having an awesome rest time...I'm enjoying myself some cake as we type :)

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Originally Posted by Spixie33

I think having parents bring in things is generally not going to go well. The thought behind it is nice but it tends to turn into a problem when a child can stake a claim to something as 'theirs' versus things that belong to the whole group.

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I`ve had lots of families over the years donate toys and have never had an issue at all. I had one little guy think it was so amazing that these toys were just like the ones he used to have and how cool it was to be able to play with toys `just like his old ones` at daycare lol It was a whole day event seeing this kid in absolute amazement and it was like Xmas. I asked his mum via email the next day if he had asked for those toys when he had got home and she said no. She was equally as amused at his reaction. You can imagine how much I wanted to laugh when he said I have one just like that at home lol Mum said she had put them away months before intending to donate to charity shop.

I agree with bright. I think it can go either way depending on the child and the parent. Aside from that one toy, I've never had an issue with donated toys.

I even allow home toys (it happens so rarely) and for the most part, there is never an issue. If there is, well it's a teachable moment!! :)

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Originally Posted by bright sparks

i didn't interpret this as being an outside toy issue. This toy was given to the daycare. It wasn't a case of bringing something from home to play with to then take it home....this i never allow. This parent should have backed up the agreement they made with both their child that morning and with the provider who received the toy for the daycare. I would have regardless of the chaos ensuing everywhere else, not given the toy back as it wasn't theirs to take anymore. It would have not required any kind of confrontation with the parent as i have a rule that all daycare families are aware of from day one. My house, my rules. I would have said my piece and then ushered them out the door....tantrum and all. It is a daycare toy now and your friends are playing with it. We will see you tomorrow when you can have a turn again. End of!

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hallelujah bright sparks...well said...i would have done exactly the same thing...kept the toy and sent them on their way....this child did not learn a damn thing except to get her own way! Shame on the mother....

Well DCM and DCG did not come to daycare yesterday. Dcm texted me to enjoy the day and that they would see me tomorrow (today). I personally think she was extremely embarrassed as she never takes a day out of the blue. If Dcm has a scheduled day off she lets me know well in advance. Not sure if I'm even going to bring up the topic of the costume again. However, I WILL be talking about giving and receiving gifts during Circle Time. Although it happened on Monday at pick up, I'm sure it will still be fresh in Dcg's head. I'm not letting this opportunity to go by. I had to listen and console 2 other dcg's who were hell bent on wearing that damn costume yesterday when I had to remind them their little friend changed her mind and took the costume home. Followed by "....but why?? we were going to play under the sea...." "it was my turn next, not fair" Blah, blah.'

So Circle Time at Other Mummy's house will be on how to give and receive a gift. How sad our friends are when we take something back that was given out of the goodness of our hearts"!

Knowing dcm I wouldn't' be surprised if she shows up with another "replacement' costume. I will politely decline the item.

Agree...I would just say "while I do appreciate the gift....the cons certainly outweigh the pro's if dcg changes her mind again".....and I would put my foot down when the dcg throws a tantrum that the gift CAN'T stay....pass it back to the mother and say thanks but no thanks.....just my opinion

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Originally Posted by sandylynn

hallelujah bright sparks...well said...i would have done exactly the same thing...kept the toy and sent them on their way....this child did not learn a damn thing except to get her own way! Shame on the mother....

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I wouldn't go so far as to say shame on the mother at all. We are human and all capable of making less than perfect choices. I think that the mother took the easy route versus the better route. She is human after all. I'd be a massive hypocrite if I judged her harshly based on this.

ya probably right...maybe shouldn't have judged the mother so harshly...really not my business how or what she teaches her child....not to mention the home daycare provider is left cleaning up the mess!!!

In defence of the mother, how often do we go through our child's clothes or toys believing they have too many and get rid of the things that WE want to without asking the child. In this case the mom may have been downsizing the child's collection of dress up clothes, realized she had two almost the same and decided to donate one to the daycare. Even if the child chose which one - and she probably picked her favourite not realizing what was about to happen the child did not plan to have it gone forever. The mom at the end of the day realized she had made a mistake that the child wasn't ready to have her things cleaned out and took it back home.

There lot of people thinking the mother was in wrong, totally, but it's quite the standard she being held to.

People in glass houses should not throw stones. If anyone here is pretending they have never, ever, given in to a child, they lying.

Oh my! Yes maybe the mother didn't even discuss it with the dcg....I must have misread the very first post....I thought it said that the dcg was excited to give it to the daycare..in which case yes...the mother most definitely should have discussed it with the dcg and none of this would have happened ..:)

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Originally Posted by sandylynn

Oh my! Yes maybe the mother didn't even discuss it with the dcg....I must have misread the very first post....I thought it said that the dcg was excited to give it to the daycare..in which case yes...the mother most definitely should have discussed it with the dcg and none of this would have happened ..:)

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Yes, the mother and dcg purchased the brand new costume for the daycare. It was not dcg's costume at home that she simply donated.

I cannot believe this thread is still going strong LOL!

Did you say you sent home a thank you card? How did the mom act the next time you saw her?

Also wondering what mom said about the thank you card and if costume returned? :)

Curious too!