Daycare providers who have young kids

Our last daycare provider had two young children of her own. Her kids were essentially able to do whatever they wanted: watch TV upstairs while my daughter had to stay downstairs, help themselves to snacks and drinks, sleep in their beds while my daughter was on a mat or choose not to nap at all while my daughter was told that she had to. I can certainly understand that this is their home. But it was really difficult for my daughter because she doesn't quite understand why these two other kids were able to do things that she couldn't. I'm just curious if this is fairly standard amongst daycare providers with young children? Am I completely unreasonable to want someone whose own children have the same expectations and rules as the other daycare kids.

Mine followed the same routines as the group during the day, except I did let mine sleep in their own beds in their rooms.

I would think that until they are school age daycare providers children should be following the same routines as the daycare. I can understand napping in their own bed though. But tv and extra snacks etc., I wouldn't allow. How old are the children?

Once they are older then it is only fair to the children that they have an escape. It is their parents career not theirs, they may just need time to decompress and get away from the younger kids. This would be more notable during the summer when they are home all day, but during the school year it wouldn't be that noticeable to the daycare children since they were away at school all day to begin with so are not really part of the group.

My daughter followed our routine until she was around 4. She then spent more time away from the daycare space/kids as she requested. This is my job choice not hers. She got to watch tv, eat other things, play on her own upstairs, sleep in etc. I have never had an issue with other kids/parents. She is not allowed to bring food down so really the daycare kids don't even realize she is eating. When she was young though she followed our complete schedule but did nap in her bed.

Thanks everyone! I'm happy to hear that it's not necessarily something to expect from all daycare providers with young children of their own. I also now know that it's something to bring up during interviews with new providers. It was one of the reasons why we left our last daycare. Her kids were 3 and 5 (half-day kindergarten) and my daughter would ask me daily why she couldn't do all the things that they were able to do. It must have been quite obvious that they were able to do their own thing.

When I started my daycare my two youngest were home during the day. My daycare is in the basement. The daycare kids slept in play pens in various rooms in my house ... I did have one that slept on a cot in the play room one in my bedroom one in my older sons room that was school all day and one in the bedroom in the basement .... My children slept in their own rooms. All children napped at the same time including my children. Anyone in the daycare (the basement)must abide by the daycare rules, however if my children wanted to go upstairs and play with their own toys or read their own book sect they were allowed as long as they behaved and didn't get into things. This is their home and they are not in daycare

My kids are 9 months and 3.5 years old. My youngest is obviously on her own schedule and sleeps in her own crib. She eats with the daycare kids, but can also nurse on demand. My 3.5yo follows all daycare rules, and has quiet time on a cot with the other preschooler, the toddlers use her room to nap. If anything, my 3.5yo is held to a higher standard-no whining, pick up toys, etc. I depend on her to show toddlers our rules by example. I run my daycare the way I raise my kids-limited screen time, treats only on special occasions, etc. I do montessori in the home, so there is lots of opportunity for kids to pick their own activities. Anything my oldest doesn't want to share (or I don't want damaged) is hidden in a closet before daycare opens. She can't play with it while open unless she shares. It's just not fair otherwise-like the situation you describe with your daughter-poor kid! The older kids here don't have to nap, but that's by age, nothing to do with if you live here.

Mine all grown up now but best I can remember - they follow daycare schedule when small. Their own bedrooms never been used for daycare. Because it their home as well as business building, their personal toys were kept in their bedrooms and they would nap in their own beds.
Any toys coming out of their bedroom had to be shared but we have daycare toys and personal toys and I never mix those.
As they got to Elementary school, they spend time in the house away for client child if they want. Their rooms remained their sanctuary. They were allowed snack after school of their choice but if they eating a meal with daycare children they get same as daycare children. Own children also allowed to grab drink from fridge as this their home and daycare children not allowed do that because set meal times in daycare.
Also if mine want to watch TV or play video games after school, they allowed to do that. It was not in the main daycare room. They had been school all day and allowed time unwind in their home just like daycare children allowed unwind in their own home at end of their day.
It little different where you carer's children same age but I don't think it unfair let older child go upstairs and watch TV and exclude daycare children. I have no screen time in my daycare and we not had TV for many years now boys all gone but I would not expect own children to have to entertain/accomodate client child once mine in school.
My children were not daycare staff, and not friends of the daycare children but expected to be friendly to them but they allowed escape to own room, out of daycare space when school done without having children hanging around with them.

Unless we where going out (park/walk etc) my boys never had to follow the daycare schedule. they are allow to watch tv, play in their rooms, and when they where young enough nap in their own beds. They are not being paid to entertain my clients children, this is my business not theirs.
My boys where allowed to play with the daycare children if they wished and join in any of the activities.

I have terminated clients who insisted that I USE my boys as play mates for their children. (They where very aggressive about it). Most clients understood once I explained that they hired me not my children.

As for it being hard for your child to understand, I can understand that and I feel for her. Unfortunate not every child she comes across in life is going to be doing the same thing as she is or even want to be her friend. Its just how life works.

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Originally Posted by BlueRose

Unless we where going out (park/walk etc) my boys never had to follow the daycare schedule. they are allow to watch tv, play in their rooms, and when they where young enough nap in their own beds. They are not being paid to entertain my clients children, this is my business not theirs.
My boys where allowed to play with the daycare children if they wished and join in any of the activities.

I have terminated clients who insisted that I USE my boys as play mates for their children. (They where very aggressive about it). Most clients understood once I explained that they hired me not my children.

As for it being hard for your child to understand, I can understand that and I feel for her. Unfortunate not every child she comes across in life is going to be doing the same thing as she is or even want to be her friend. Its just how life works.

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Same here, I chose to leave my well paid job and do home daycare so my children stayed home. I have a great program for the little ones, but as others have mentioned my kids are not at daycare, they are not staff and they do not have anything to do with entertaining or keeping happy other kids, that's my job. They can participate if they choose to, other wise they are allowed to enjoy their home and the non-daycare spaces.

As long as my children are the same ages as the daycare kids that come, they will follow the same rules. Once they are older, they will have more freedom to do what they want during daycare hours. They'll be in school for most of the day anyway. However, while they are still young and at home during the day, I feel it's only fair that I have similar expectations for them as I do for all the kids. To tell all the daycare kids that they can't watch TV, eat whatever and whenever they want, play wherever they want, etc. and then turn around and tell my own kids that they can do as they please doesn't seem right. But my kids also went to a daycare prior to me opening my own and understand that if I wasn't doing this, they would still be in daycare. So they are pretty used to the daily routine. Plus, it's pretty hard for me to watch the daycare kids and my own kids if they are doing separate things.

Once my kids were old enough to play in their own house without direct supervision, I let them. For my son, it was 5 years old, for my daughter it was 4.

This is their home and they are ENCOURAGED to treat it that way. They can get their own snacks. They can play with their own toys. They can participate in group activities or not, their choice.

This is my job, not theirs.

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Originally Posted by lisapisa

Our last daycare provider had two young children of her own. Her kids were essentially able to do whatever they wanted: watch TV upstairs while my daughter had to stay downstairs, help themselves to snacks and drinks, sleep in their beds while my daughter was on a mat or choose not to nap at all while my daughter was told that she had to. I can certainly understand that this is their home. But it was really difficult for my daughter because she doesn't quite understand why these two other kids were able to do things that she couldn't. I'm just curious if this is fairly standard amongst daycare providers with young children? Am I completely unreasonable to want someone whose own children have the same expectations and rules as the other daycare kids.

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I'm just curious, how old are the children in question...both yours and the daycare providers

I guess the way I see it is that my kids (ages 3 & 5) don't have the run of the house even when it's not daycare hours. They still have to ask me if they can have a snack and I have to approve what that snack is. And for the most part, they have one snack in the morning and one in the afternoon, just like at daycare. They can't just turn the TV on or play with the Ipad whenever they want. They have to ask and there are limits. Certainly they can play on their own, but I'm never far enough away that I wouldn't be able to hear them if there was a problem (I can't hear them if I'm downstairs with a bunch of daycare kids and they are in their rooms upstairs). So what I expect from them during daycare hours isn't completely different than what I expect the rest of the time.

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Originally Posted by bright sparks

I'm just curious, how old are the children in question...both yours and the daycare providers

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My daughter is almost 4. Our previous daycare provider's kids were 3 and 5. So because of similarities in age and because she did consider them her friends, I think my daughter really noted the comparisons and differences between what she did and what they did. I did try to explain to her that it was their home and so they were doing things that she herself does when she's at home. But I think it was still pretty hard for her not to be bitter.

There's been lots of new posts since I was on here last! I'm starting to think that perhaps I should just avoid daycare providers with small kids of their own if I don't want the same thing to happen. I am actually going to meet with someone tonight who I think is older (she's been doing daycare for 30 years), so I imagine her kids (if she has any) are older. Here's hoping it turns out to be a good fit. :)

I asked because I was curious about what other daycare providers were saying about their own children being allowed to do as they please during the daycare day. I'm pretty much in agreeance with MommaL. My kids even at age 5 did not have free run of the house. It made the most sense to me to have them follow the daycare routine because it was the only way I could actually keep an eye on them. My kids are not allowed to snack whenever they please or have free run over technology or the rest of the house, even now as teenagers there are boundaries but at the ages you describe, they would take part in my day. Not because they had to conform to the actions of the other children, but generally speaking because they were much better behaved when on a schedule and loved to take part in the days activities. If they wanted to go adn play in their room, then they absolutly could, but at age 3, in a two story house, there was no way I was going to leave them unsupervised upstaires for a few hours.

I can understand that your child would be upset by what you described and I think your new approach to finding a suitable daycare provider might be for the best. As each daycare provider will operate differently, each child will require something different. I see nothing wrong with your expectations, and from my experience I found that my own kids much more prefered to be part of the gang doing the same activities. They didn't get the choice to drop out when it didn't suit them.

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Originally Posted by lisapisa

Our last daycare provider had two young children of her own. Her kids were essentially able to do whatever they wanted: watch TV upstairs while my daughter had to stay downstairs, help themselves to snacks and drinks, sleep in their beds while my daughter was on a mat or choose not to nap at all while my daughter was told that she had to. I can certainly understand that this is their home. But it was really difficult for my daughter because she doesn't quite understand why these two other kids were able to do things that she couldn't. I'm just curious if this is fairly standard amongst daycare providers with young children? Am I completely unreasonable to want someone whose own children have the same expectations and rules as the other daycare kids.

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I don't think your expectations are unreasonable at all. Part of choosing a dcp is finding one that parents like you do. If a dcp has 2 different sets of rules for her own children and the dck's than it would be difficult to truly know her techniques IMO.

I don't have kids of my own but I don't see why they wouldn't be on the same schedule. A big perk of staying home would be to spend time with your children. If they weren't in my daycare they would be in another and following a routine anyways. Like mommaL, my kids wouldn't be allowed to run the show. During the day, they'd be in daycare (just happens to be mine) and than in the evening, it's their home.

Just because I work from home doesn't mean I get to do whatever I want during work hours and the same would be expected of my children. It sounds like you've come up with a good solution though, finding an older provider. Good luck :)

For myself even with my daughter (5yrs) having the freedom to be upstairs if she wishes that doesn't mean she has free rein to do whatever she wishes. If she sleeps in (usually until 8-8:30) and I open at 7:30 She knows she needs to do her normal routine - get dressed, brush her hair/teeth etc she knows how to get her own breakfast. She then has the choice to come down to participate or stay upstairs and play. She is not allowed TV until nap time. She sometimes will watch a movie in her room on her portable DVD player. I do make her come outside when we go out as she needs the fresh air and exercise and I also because I cannot hear her while out there. She is not allowed to come down with other food and the other kids aren't even aware that she is eating.

I can totally understand how if your daughter is the same age and it is being flaunted that they are doing other things how it would be hard for her to understand. You do have to realize though that if the providers child doesn't want to play with the daycare children that they don't have to. Hopefully you can find a provider that better suits your needs.

I don't think children being allowed to own room and have snack in own home is "having run of the house". That big leap.

We all know that when we have visitors, it's nice see them go after long stay, to feel can relax in own home and not have been on all day. I sure for provider's children, having uninvited guests in their home due to parent's career choice feel very similar. And it all day, every day for years.

My children were never part of entertainment package for client children. Even if same ages, client children might not have personality that own children would choose to be friend with. My children were expected to be friendly, i.e. not exclude, not be rude but it not a play date when my child home during daycare hours. If they had enough, they were absolutely allowed to take some time to self in own room and get space if wanted.

Is it confusing to a client child? Only if boundaries aren't clear. "This is X's home and they live here, they are not part of daycare. You will have to play with a daycare child."

That a life lesson that all children have to learn anyway. Just because a client child might want watch TV with family member, it too bad. Just because client child want demand that certain child (provider's) play with him/her, that unfair expectation too.

Not everything is clear access to client child. Not every family member here entertain client child. I would not force client child to play with particular daycare child if they not want to. I'd not force own children either.

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Originally Posted by Suzie_Homemaker

I don't think children being allowed to own room and have snack in own home is "having run of the house". That big leap.

My children were never part of entertainment package for client children. Even if same ages, client children might not have personality that own children would choose to be friend with. My children were expected to be friendly, i.e. not exclude, not be rude but it not a play date when my child home during daycare hours. If they had enough, they were absolutely allowed to take some time to self in own room and get space if wanted.

Is it confusing to a client child? Only if boundaries aren't clear. "This is X's home and they live here, they are not part of daycare. You will have to play with a daycare child."

That a life lesson that all children have to learn anyway. Just because a client child might want watch TV with family member, it too bad. Just because client child want demand that certain child (provider's) play with him/her, that unfair expectation too.

Not everything is clear access to client child. Not every family member here entertain client child. I would not force client child to play with particular daycare child if they not want to. I'd not force own children either.

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I totally agree. Just because I have my own children, it doesn't make them obligated to come and entertain the daycare children. My son was six when I started doing daycare and if he wanted to come down and play with the daycare children, he could, but he didn't have to.
He didn't choose this job, I did, and I wasn't going to force it on him. The only time he had no choice was if his dad wasn't home and I was taking the other kids out. Then he had to come with us.

BUT, I actually had a mom pull her kids out of my care because MY OWN SON was able to go on OUR computer (that wasn't even near the daycare room) and her son wasn't allowed to! I couldn't believe that she would actually use this as an excuse to take them out! I told her that this is HIS home and he could go on it, if he wanted to and I'm sorry, but use of our family computer was not part of the daycare program.

Now that he is in highschool, he is glad to stay away from the daycare room, as he is not one for little children!

For my children, it has nothing to do with expecting them to entertain or play with the other children. I don't expect that of the daycare kids, so I certainly wouldn't expect it from my own. Everyone has to be respectful, but I certainly don't force anyone to be friends. I don't treat my kids as though they are also "working" at the daycare. Rather, their day-to-day life now is very similar to what it was before I had a daycare and they went to another provider. It just so happens that their "new daycare" is in our house.

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Originally Posted by bright sparks

I asked because I was curious about what other daycare providers were saying about their own children being allowed to do as they please during the daycare day. I'm pretty much in agreeance with MommaL. My kids even at age 5 did not have free run of the house. It made the most sense to me to have them follow the daycare routine because it was the only way I could actually keep an eye on them. My kids are not allowed to snack whenever they please or have free run over technology or the rest of the house, even now as teenagers there are boundaries but at the ages you describe, they would take part in my day. Not because they had to conform to the actions of the other children, but generally speaking because they were much better behaved when on a schedule and loved to take part in the days activities. If they wanted to go adn play in their room, then they absolutly could, but at age 3, in a two story house, there was no way I was going to leave them unsupervised upstaires for a few hours.

I can understand that your child would be upset by what you described and I think your new approach to finding a suitable daycare provider might be for the best. As each daycare provider will operate differently, each child will require something different. I see nothing wrong with your expectations, and from my experience I found that my own kids much more prefered to be part of the gang doing the same activities. They didn't get the choice to drop out when it didn't suit them.

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I think those of us that said our kids didn't have to participate would still be using common sense with our expectations of our own children. Even though I don't force my children to play with the daycare children; they are still respectful of our environment, of me as their parent, to the general rules of the house they must follow as well as respectful of the children who are guests in their home.
I don't think a single one of use who choose this career would choose to ignore our own children's needs or safety.

Good news. The new daycare provider I interviewed is great and we think we'll be going with her. She is older and her children are grown and out of the house. So we no longer have to wonder what her own children are doing during the day. However, I just wanted to chime in regarding some of the comments made about this being a life lesson and that daycare provider's children should not be expected to entertain or be friends with the others. I would never expect a daycare provider's kids to entertain my daughter and I certainly didn't choose my previous daycare with this assumption. But I also wouldn't consider it a good life lesson for a 3 year old when all the kids are told that it's story time and a daycare provider's own child (who is the same age) says "I don't want to do that, I'm going upstairs to watch Paw Patrol instead". Or, when a provider serves fruit for a snack and her own child decides she doesn't want that and goes into the cupboard and gets a granola bar instead. I get that this is the child's home, but that still doesn't sit right with me.

I just think that my child would be in another dc if I worked out of home and would be following a routine regardless. I don't see why following the routine at moms daycare would be any different. Children over 5 would be different but under 5, I think it would be beneficial to include them in the whole daycare day or until the other parent got home at least. I however view my home as a business during 8-445 and would view my child being in daycare those hours too.

I'm glad you've found a dcp that you like! :)

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Originally Posted by lisapisa

Good news. The new daycare provider I interviewed is great and we think we'll be going with her. She is older and her children are grown and out of the house. So we no longer have to wonder what her own children are doing during the day. However, I just wanted to chime in regarding some of the comments made about this being a life lesson and that daycare provider's children should not be expected to entertain or be friends with the others. I would never expect a daycare provider's kids to entertain my daughter and I certainly didn't choose my previous daycare with this assumption. But I also wouldn't consider it a good life lesson for a 3 year old when all the kids are told that it's story time and a daycare provider's own child (who is the same age) says "I don't want to do that, I'm going upstairs to watch Paw Patrol instead". Or, when a provider serves fruit for a snack and her own child decides she doesn't want that and goes into the cupboard and gets a granola bar instead. I get that this is the child's home, but that still doesn't sit right with me.

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My daycare is separate from my living space .... So if my child didn't want the same snack they could go upstairs and have something different or to play with their own toys in their bedroom the daycare children had no idea that there was anything different because they didn't see it ... The rules were ... If you are in the daycare you must follow the rules ... My kids are in school all day. Now but they still come down in the morning after they have finished breakfast but they must do as the daycare kids are doing .... I would never blatantly let my kids eat an ice cream cone while the daycare kids are having carrot sticks ..... They just don't have to spend their days with us if they don't want too ....