Some parents who don't want to be around their kids

[Lou]

Wow, I wonder if anyone else is feeling as mind boggled as me, lol.
This is the first trip that I am taking away from my kids, ever. 3 days. 3 freaking days. I'm excited about it, and believe I have the right to be! It feels absolutely crazy to me that others would be judging me as a parent for this. So, I'm curious about what people think the detrimental effects to my children are going to be? And in the grand scheme of their entire lives, how me getting out and having a little fun one weekend a decade deserves a head shake?

I agree with the annoyance that there are a certain type of parents who seem to dislike parenting. I'm assuming that this thread had those type originally in mind, but there are a lot of general statements going around that somehow fit in anyone who takes a little time for themselves as a negative thing. Saying things like "Why wouldn't you want to be with your kids?" is such a judgmental statement...it's saying that anyone who spends even an hour out getting a pedicure, is selfish.
Obviously, we all love our kids to the moon and back, heck most of us quit our jobs to change into this low paying, high stress, long hour job so that we could be there for our children more. And I'm going to boggle your minds even more......wait for it.........
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.......... I send my 3 1/2 yrs old to preschool 2 days a week. *GASP* And guess what? It doesn't mean I love him any less than you (general you) love your children. And it doesn't mean that he thinks I don't want to spend time with him. Sad? Heck no! He gets to enjoy the company of his other friends in another cool environment, with other fun and loving adults. It doesn't mean jack about my parenting, nor will he look back on his childhood and ponder "my, how I wish I didn't go to that fun school 2 days a week when I was 3..." DIFFERENT experiences make up a child's memories, and they don't always have to be with you. And they will still be great, and loving, and warm memories. And when I'm gone for those measly 3 days, my kids will be here with their Dad and their Grandma is coming over to sleepover...so, if they remember cuddling with their Lola or playing hide and seek with their Dad over the last game of Wok and Roll they just played with me, then that's fine by me. As long as they were good memories

[mattsmom]

I think what frustrates some of us is not the parents who occasionally take their day off to themselves, but the ones who constantly do it. Also, when it comes to say, Christmas holidays, when you have almost all your dc families taking days off and actually spending time with their kids versus the parents who will take the whole 2 weeks off and throw it in your face that they are off and don't even think of coming to pick up even a half hour earlier.

There is nothing wrong with taking the afternoon to do some shopping or get your nails done, if your paying for it. I have been a working mother as well, for years, when my kids were little....I totally get it. But I'll be damned if I spent every single one of my days off or holidays without spending some time with my children. Now that one of my boys is grown and moved out and the other is approaching his teens, I think back and realize how fast they grow up and how important it is to spend those younger years with them..

[Fun&care]

Well I'm late to the party but I have to chime in here...it's funny how everyone sees things differently. When my dc parents have the day off I always say something along the lines of " good for you! Enjoy some time to yourself" just because I find them incredibly lucky for being able to take some time off without their child every so often. I don't have that luxury because we don't have family in town to babysit so we have to pay a teenager what seems like a small fortune every time we want to go out. If my kids were in daycare and I had the opportunity to drop them off for yes, the ENTIRE day while I do whatever I want, whether it be chores or errands or just having a movie marathon, damn straight I would do it! There is nothing wrong with that! Everyone needs time to recharge, and recharging is pretty much impossible with little ones around, at least for me. Yes of course there are "those" parents who drop their kid off even when they are on a 2 week vacation but honestly, how do we know that maybe things are not that great at home, maybe they have struggles with depression or any mental disorder. How do we know that maybe these parents desperately need the time off to work on their marital relationship? WE DONT KNOW. And part of me feels that those who hold grudges against parents for doing this are actually the ones who need a vacation the most and just don't take enough time to take care of themselves.

[bright sparks]

Well I'm late to the party but I have to chime in here...it's funny how everyone sees things differently. When my dc parents have the day off I always say something along the lines of " good for you! Enjoy some time to yourself" just because I find them incredibly lucky for being able to take some time off without their child every so often. I don't have that luxury because we don't have family in town to babysit so we have to pay a teenager what seems like a small fortune every time we want to go out. If my kids were in daycare and I had the opportunity to drop them off for yes, the ENTIRE day while I do whatever I want, whether it be chores or errands or just having a movie marathon, damn straight I would do it! There is nothing wrong with that! Everyone needs time to recharge, and recharging is pretty much impossible with little ones around, at least for me. Yes of course there are "those" parents who drop their kid off even when they are on a 2 week vacation but honestly, how do we know that maybe things are not that great at home, maybe they have struggles with depression or any mental disorder. How do we know that maybe these parents desperately need the time off to work on their marital relationship? WE DONT KNOW. And part of me feels that those who hold grudges against parents for doing this are actually the ones who need a vacation the most and just don't take enough time to take care of themselves.

BRAVO...I agree completely and that's exactly what I was getting at too.

[dodge__driver11]

It just boils down to whether or not a parent enjoys their child's company. Just like people, all kids have different personalities. And if a parent sees their kids company as a positive experience instead of a draining one, then they are more likely to spend time with them. What parent wants to be around someone who drains their happiness? Back in the olden days, parents didn't have daycares. But in todays world, it has become much easier for parents now that they have daycares to drop their kids off to when they don't feel like being around their child. Daycares benefit from this too since they are making money, so it is a win win for the parent and daycares. But not so much for the child when they become old enough to see that mommy and daddy are dropping them off and doing stuff without them. Maybe they will grow up and become an alcoholic to fill a void because their childhood memories are filled with being dumped off at daycare every day. Not saying daycare workers are not loving, but nothing can replace the bonding between a parent and child.

I beg to differ....

When my child was in lic. care, and the only child at home I sent him to play with others, and later when I first opened I sent him to preschool. Not because I was lazy or aloof, or disliked him...It was because i recognized his needs, and the fact that he needed to get used to other authority figures.....

Even now he is in daycamps this year because my oldest dck is 1.5 years younger than he.... He is at an age where he has his own friends and interests.

[AmandaKDT]

Was I wrong to open my mouth...

My very good friend came for a visit with her two young kids this morning. We were talking about getting the girl friends together for a visit and she said she finds it hard when we try to plan kid-free get togethers because she only gets 2 days a week to spend with her husband and kids, and doesn't want to go do anything for even a few hours away from them when she is off work. She has said this before and I held my tongue, but today I couldn't help and I told her that her situation is no different than any of the rest of us that balance working full time and having a family. Anyone that is working full time only gets the weekend to really spend time with their family.

I didn't say this part to my friend: should that mean that you never do anything other than work and be a mom?

It just makes me feel like she thinks they're in some kind of special situation, where in reality every single one of us has a couple kids and a husband too. I enjoy the time that I get to spend with my friends that doesn't involve having to constantly be interrupted by requests for food and to resolve an argument about a toy - or to do something that isn't oriented towards the kids. I think it is a recharge to get to just be my own person for awhile, even if it is just an hour here and there. I know my own situation is different since I am doing home daycare, but my sister and my other friends all have kids and work and are happy to get together without the kids once and awhile.

[cfred]

Just leave her out of it then Amanda. It's her choice whether or not she can part from her family for a couple of hours. I don't get it, personally, because, since my divorce 14 yrs ago especially, I've been aggressively honing my selfishness. I felt so guilty for years about doing anything for myself that didn't include my children. Yep, those days are long gone now! In fact, I'm researching flights now for my next trip...woo hoo!!!! Then there'll be one with my boys after that (2 weeks camping in Puerto Rico)...they've already been to Turks and Caicos, Florida, England, Wales and Spain. I do include them from time to time

I don't think it's strange for you or any parent to find time to do things just as adults. When I booked our last Mothers' Dinner (night out with my clients) at a new gastro pub in town, those women couldn't get there fast enough! They were absolutely thrilled to have a night out with just us ladies....no men, no kids. It was lovely

[5 Little Monkeys]

I mentioned this in a PM between another member and myself but wanted to comment here...

Isn't it funny how the dad's seem to have no problem having "alone time" yet the mother's are always the one who feel guilty or are made to feel guilty when they want some alone time?

How many dad's run to the hardware story by them self, go for a round of golf, have a few drinks after work, spend hours in their man cave/garage "fixing" things, etc etc etc. Definitely a double standard! lol

It seems that society feels that once a woman becomes a mother, she is no longer nothing but that and a wife. So many women forget who they were and become so lost in their children's lives that they don't take time out for themselves! It's sad

I think finding the balance between work, parenting and being a PERSON can be difficult but it is something that is needed to be done so that a person doesn't burn out.....or find themselves not knowing who they are once their children move out and move on with their own life!

[bright sparks]

It seems that society feels that once a woman becomes a mother, she is no longer nothing but that and a wife. So many women forget who they were and become so lost in their children's lives that they don't take time out for themselves! It's sad

I think finding the balance between work, parenting and being a PERSON can be difficult but it is something that is needed to be done so that a person doesn't burn out.....or find themselves not knowing who they are once their children move out and move on with their own life!

This is exactly what I am faced with right now. I was a mother at 18, married at 19 and had both my kids by 20. I am turning 32 in June and amongst my cargo ship of baggage lol, it is quite possible that because my entire adult life so far has been as caregiver to others, that I am unable to cut loose my baggage and have a life outside of the role of caregiver. It is all I know and a huge part of it is because society plays such a big role in telling us what we should do and criticizing us when we don't do things the stereotypical way. As women the stereotypes placed on us are bad enough but as caregivers even more so. I now strive to make time for me, and it is difficult as habits are hard to change after leaving myself out of the equation for so long. Every new venture I take, or try to take are tainted with self doubt due to neglecting my fundamental needs throughout life because I only focussed on being a caregiver, and now I am paying the price. Being a mother, a wife and a caregiver should not be the only things that define who I am, but right now they are. For those without my sense of identity crisis, it is still easy to get lost in the day to day and then before you know it there is just you. I will not allow anyone to make me feel bad for looking after myself, at least I am not criticizing those who are, which makes me a better person straight away. It is one thing to judge others which is absolutely human, but it's quite another to make strong judgemental statements at large about people we do not know in the slightest, about the choices they make as parents.

[5 Little Monkeys]

BS, my mother was similar to you. She was married at 17 in Oct, turned 18 in Dec, had myself in Feb and than my sister the following Jan when she was just 19. I also have a brother who is 8 years younger than me after she had a few miscarriages in between my sister and him. She was such a young mom and a had a lot of pressure on her. She ended up having a midlife crisis when I was 18 and divorced my dad the summer I graduated. She felt like she never had a life because she went from being a teenager to a mother of 2 and than eventually 3. Unfortunately though, the person my mom is today is someone who I don't even know or care to know. I often wonder if things would have been different had she been older before having kids or at least taken time out during our childhood to remember who she was, not just a mother to us.

I wish you all the best in your new chapter and hope that it is everything you want it to be!! I think it is absolutely fantastic that you looking out for yourself and realizing that there is more to you than just being a wife and mother!