Care free play

At 2.5 years (31months) is the 'average' child supposed to be able to go off and play, care free for a period of time? I can't tell if my DCG girl is really struggling with this concept or if she is in the norm for her age and my daughter is just really good at it (27months) and making my DCG look bad!

DCG is from an AP home, she is not really given the chance to go off and play, she is either being held, entertained or has the tv on (mom says she doesn't play on her own at all).

Here I have periods of time where they are expected to go off and play while I tend to the house (I only have the one DCG now to allow me to do this). She struggles greatly. It's been 9 months of my only having the 2 girls (one is my own) so this isn't a new expectation. She has improved...as in she will now go to another room for 30seconds then come back to check on me, tell me what I am doing, tell herself she is supposed to go play then repeat the process. She knows she is supposed to play but she can't just relax and play. Our home is farily open concept and the main play area is right there so she knows where I am the majority of the time so it is not a matter of thinking I am 'gone'.

When she does sit and play it is still very, basic and just very concrete. Put toy in it's appropriate spot. take toy out, return toy.

It pains me to see she is struggling with just being carefree and off in her own world of play.

Is this normal at this age? As much as we have structured activities and art projects and learning time and circle time and all that I make a point of having chunks of time for them to just go off, explore play and do their own thing. My daughter can disappear for 45minutes without a care in the world. She re-enacts life, make believes and all that. It is still at a basic level but it is leaps ahead of her friend that is 4months older.

Any thoughts? How can I get her to advance her play and just relax and play on her own? I know time will eventually help...she has made gains since the fall but not nearly as much as I would think she would.

I am just trying to touch base to see if other DCK are playing at a different level or if she is in fact in the normal range of play for her age and my expectations are off!

I think this fits under the "every child is different" (developmentally, socially, emotionally) category, not necessarily that they are an AP home or only child, etc. Some kids don't care if there is an adult/parent close by, and others have a really hard time with this. Heading off to a totally different part of the house, out of sight, and expecting a 2 year old to be totally content with this is a big expectation.

You might need to either lower your expectations or alter how you do your chores during the day.

Having only two kids, expecially both under 3, can make it harder for them to keep themselves busy for long periods of time independently.

I have an AP child who has huge problems playing alone. He is fine in the group because they are a very busy group of boys and he goes with the flow. He is very good at imaginary play. When he is dropped off first, he is at a loss what to do and regularly ends up crying. He has been here for 18 mths and is 2 1/2. My kids have babysat him at home because his parents needed to get housework done and he isn't able to amuse himself independently. I think the AP has something to do with it in my case, although the principals of AP say a child won't struggle with becoming independent although Attachment parenting has many variables depending on the parents. I think to generalize the AP approach is not fair, as everyone has their own approach to AP, but I definitely see a pattern with AP kids in this area.

Maybe because there is only two of them and one is your daughter too makes it different than my experience. There isn't as much going on in terms of a busy group of multiple preschoolers. I'd be inclined to talk to her parents and just let them know your observations. If they are open to suggestions, ask them to make a point of not jumping at the slightest thing at home, even if there doesn't seem to be a reason to say no or delay helping. Ask them to refuse to help her at times to force her to face a situation independently. I'm not saying neglect her when she needs them but to set some clear boundaries on when she really does need adult support, and when it is a good opportunity for her to develop her independent skills in a safe and healthy manner. It seems like this may have been inhibited by the AP approach these parents are taking and this is how it is showing. At her age I wouldn't be super worried, but I would definitely be working hard to correct this but if her parents aren't then it will be a huge struggle. Poor kid

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Originally Posted by AmandaKDT

I think this fits under the "every child is different" (developmentally, socially, emotionally) category, not necessarily that they are an AP home or only child, etc. Some kids don't care if there is an adult/parent close by, and others have a really hard time with this. Heading off to a totally different part of the house, out of sight, and expecting a 2 year old to be totally content with this is a big expectation.

You might need to either lower your expectations or alter how you do your chores during the day.

Having only two kids, expecially both under 3, can make it harder for them to keep themselves busy for long periods of time independently.

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But as I noted our main floor is open concept. She can see me from the majority of the main floor including the room where I keep the majority of the toys. I also sit in the room they are in to fold laundry and such. Even with me in the room she stands there looking lost.

It is not just her not being comfortable with being alone...that could very well be part of it. But, I can sit and pull out an activity (say the trains) help set it up...slide back and read and she just sits staring at it like she doesn't know what to do. She will hold a train and sit. She seemingly gets no enjoyment out of play. This is a concern. This is what I am addressing...is this 'normal' with this age group in other's experience because to me it is concerning and needs to be addressed.


I don't think changing the expectation that a 2.5 yr old is to play on their own helps matters any.

I could sit and read more books in the room she is in...but that doesn't get her playing anymore than my being in another part of the house cleaning. She is still standing/sitting around, playing for a minute or two in a rigid manner then back to coming to tell me what I am doing and that she needs to go play. She knows to go play but she doesn't know how.

I am wondering if this is more the norm for this age in which case we'll just continue as is and over time she'll learn. If it is not the norm and most kids this age can go off and play freely then I will need to look at why she can't and try to aid her in gaining that ability. If it is related to how the parents interact with her and don't give her that freedom then it will be a different approach than if she has delay or anxiety or whatnot. I see no benefit from sitting side by side with a 2.5yr old all day. That will just keep the problem going. Kids are meant to play...they NEED to let the world go and just get lost in make believe play, in re-enacting their life, in being able to enjoy the freedom of play. They have the rest of their lives to be directed in everything they do!

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Originally Posted by bright sparks

I have an AP child who has huge problems playing alone. He is fine in the group because they are a very busy group of boys and he goes with the flow. He is very good at imaginary play. When he is dropped off first, he is at a loss what to do and regularly ends up crying. He has been here for 18 mths and is 2 1/2. My kids have babysat him at home because his parents needed to get housework done and he isn't able to amuse himself independently. I think the AP has something to do with it in my case, although the principals of AP say a child won't struggle with becoming independent although Attachment parenting has many variables depending on the parents. I think to generalize the AP approach is not fair, as everyone has their own approach to AP, but I definitely see a pattern with AP kids in this area.

Maybe because there is only two of them and one is your daughter too makes it different than my experience. There isn't as much going on in terms of a busy group of multiple preschoolers. I'd be inclined to talk to her parents and just let them know your observations. If they are open to suggestions, ask them to make a point of not jumping at the slightest thing at home, even if there doesn't seem to be a reason to say no or delay helping. Ask them to refuse to help her at times to force her to face a situation independently. I'm not saying neglect her when she needs them but to set some clear boundaries on when she really does need adult support, and when it is a good opportunity for her to develop her independent skills in a safe and healthy manner. It seems like this may have been inhibited by the AP approach these parents are taking and this is how it is showing. At her age I wouldn't be super worried, but I would definitely be working hard to correct this but if her parents aren't then it will be a huge struggle. Poor kid

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I have nothing against AP and used a fair amount of the AP approach with our daughter. I do believe, and have stated this before, that there is a strong difference between AP and parenting in a manner that means never saying no, never setting a limit and never letting a child whimper. But I won't go into my rant on that!

Sadly talking to the parents will not help matters. I am still trying to point out that letting their child get only 7 hours of sleep in a day is not in the child's best interest and that the child may sleep more if getting out of bed for more snacks and more Netflix isn't an option every evening until 11pm when mom finally goes to bed with the child. She still only naps in the car or being rocked for them because she was never taught how to lie down and sleep. But, mom doesn't like the child crying and mom doesn't set limits (as in it is bedtime you need to stay in bed). Telling her to not carry the child around, or make the child go play on her own when the child doesn't want to is just not going to happen. It is not worth approaching because I already try to nudge on the sleep front because I know how much the child needs to sleep.

This is why I am trying to find out if this is normal...if this is related to home's approach or if it is child specific and I can somehow help on my end. I am not bashing AP parenting. I am trying to find out if this is related to it or if this is of concern or not so I know how to approach it on my end!

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Originally Posted by Lee-Bee

I have nothing against AP and used a fair amount of the AP approach with our daughter. I do believe, and have stated this before, that there is a strong difference between AP and parenting in a manner that means never saying no, never setting a limit and never letting a child whimper. But I won't go into my rant on that!

Sadly talking to the parents will not help matters. I am still trying to point out that letting their child get only 7 hours of sleep in a day is not in the child's best interest and that the child may sleep more if getting out of bed for more snacks and more Netflix isn't an option every evening until 11pm when mom finally goes to bed with the child. She still only naps in the car or being rocked for them because she was never taught how to lie down and sleep. But, mom doesn't like the child crying and mom doesn't set limits (as in it is bedtime you need to stay in bed). Telling her to not carry the child around, or make the child go play on her own when the child doesn't want to is just not going to happen. It is not worth approaching because I already try to nudge on the sleep front because I know how much the child needs to sleep.

This is why I am trying to find out if this is normal...if this is related to home's approach or if it is child specific and I can somehow help on my end. I am not bashing AP parenting. I am trying to find out if this is related to it or if this is of concern or not so I know how to approach it on my end!

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I'm not sure if you are going to find a clear answer. To find out if something is "normal" is really difficult. Normal as a generalization, I'd say no, but I think it's a foolish guess given that I don't know this child and haven't observed them. You know this child so I'd go with what you see as the norm. I think most kids are able to play independently at this age at least on some scale allowing for variances in personality type and parenting style used at home, and I do think the parenting style you just described is likely the cause at least for the most part. It may simply be something this child grows out of, most likely to be honest, and AP really doesn't have anything to do with it in my opinion. Just what you described in your last post doesn't really mesh with AP principals regardless of my opinion of the parenting style. Sounds like maybe they have created some of this issues at first with clingy parenting/hip baby/oversensitive response to needs and excessive pacifying, and now don't want the headache of correcting the behaviour so continue to pacify her.

Can't imagine there is much you can do to help given the extremes that are happening at home. Normal is never a word I use. Even on a scale of "norm" to establish if a child is on track with developmental milestones is no longer proving useful. Kids are changing at a rapid rate from this generation to the last and I find more and more kids are breaking from this out of date "norm" standard currently in place. I have had kids scream many symptoms of being on the spectrum with numerous delays and it has turned out to be a product of circumstance and how they are nurtured at home, not an actual developmental delay which has gradually rectified once in school, not without repercussions I'm sure. Nature vs Nurture maybe....this is a tricky situation to be in to be able to help the child. Good Luck

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Originally Posted by Lee-Bee

I have nothing against AP and used a fair amount of the AP approach with our daughter. I do believe, and have stated this before, that there is a strong difference between AP and parenting in a manner that means never saying no, never setting a limit and never letting a child whimper. But I won't go into my rant on that!

Sadly talking to the parents will not help matters. I am still trying to point out that letting their child get only 7 hours of sleep in a day is not in the child's best interest and that the child may sleep more if getting out of bed for more snacks and more Netflix isn't an option every evening until 11pm when mom finally goes to bed with the child. She still only naps in the car or being rocked for them because she was never taught how to lie down and sleep. But, mom doesn't like the child crying and mom doesn't set limits (as in it is bedtime you need to stay in bed). Telling her to not carry the child around, or make the child go play on her own when the child doesn't want to is just not going to happen. It is not worth approaching because I already try to nudge on the sleep front because I know how much the child needs to sleep.

This is why I am trying to find out if this is normal...if this is related to home's approach or if it is child specific and I can somehow help on my end. I am not bashing AP parenting. I am trying to find out if this is related to it or if this is of concern or not so I know how to approach it on my end!

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BTW, I wasn't implying you had anything against AP or were bashing them. It was more with respect to babydoms comments about an AP child having the inability to be independent...or something along those lines... which is a common misconception and is not actually the case. It's more a reflection of how AP is carried out and I still stand firm that many people don't choose AP and do their research to make it a healthy parenting style, but use it as an excuse for pacifying their child and being lazy...yes that is right, I said it lol

Not typical of age but typical of AP child. Every AP child I had has difficulties sleeping if laid down awake, difficulties having to wait for something they need if more than one wanting, difficulties not getting immediate attention which not possible if changing different child and always, difficulties entertain self.

Now I make sure to ask about parenting view on these things and if AP child, I not take. Unfair to others when one demand first attention all time.

I've lucked out....I can't think of any child I've had that didn't like free play once they were about 18-20 months+. I've had a few that get bored/silly/destructible if they had too much but I don't think I've had any that didn't know how to free play.

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Originally Posted by bright sparks

BTW, I wasn't implying you had anything against AP or were bashing them. It was more with respect to babydoms comments about an AP child having the inability to be independent...or something along those lines... which is a common misconception and is not actually the case. It's more a reflection of how AP is carried out and I still stand firm that many people don't choose AP and do their research to make it a healthy parenting style, but use it as an excuse for pacifying their child and being lazy...yes that is right, I said it lol

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You said it...I think it and see it all the time! I do believe that AP can be great...but I don't know that I ever really see it in action how it was meant to be. The variations of what I see are what you describe (ever so eloquently) and it does bother me as they call it AP, giving AP a bad rap.

Anywyas...my post wasn't really about 'AP' but I did put it in there as I wanted to know if others were finding the same with their families that practice AP. Clearly they are as I've yet to say their AP children are able to play easily on their own. In which case I will just continue on as is and hope that with more and more time free play will start to come naturally.

I totally understand the dislike of the word 'normal' and that is why I usually put it in quotes. There is no normal when it comes to people, especially children but I just use it to get my question across...'typical' 'average' 'acceptable' any of those words can kind of be used as well. Basically should I be concerned with the lack of play at this age or not! I don't want to just wait until she is 4 and going off to school to realize there were some big red flags I didn't try to help address and should have!

She is a great kid and her family loves her dearly. They drive me bonkers with how they do things but what they do at home is up to them, I offer advice when it is asked but otherwise try to keep out of it. It is up to me to decide if their way of doing things makes them a poor match for me. So far it doesn't as the child has adapted enough to work with us here. She naps 1.5-2hrs a day and most days begs me to go up to bed hours before nap time as she knows she will get a good nap in and feel better. She is capable of a lot, if the adults around her have the expectations that she can.