Care free play

[bright sparks]

I have an AP child who has huge problems playing alone. He is fine in the group because they are a very busy group of boys and he goes with the flow. He is very good at imaginary play. When he is dropped off first, he is at a loss what to do and regularly ends up crying. He has been here for 18 mths and is 2 1/2. My kids have babysat him at home because his parents needed to get housework done and he isn't able to amuse himself independently. I think the AP has something to do with it in my case, although the principals of AP say a child won't struggle with becoming independent although Attachment parenting has many variables depending on the parents. I think to generalize the AP approach is not fair, as everyone has their own approach to AP, but I definitely see a pattern with AP kids in this area.

Maybe because there is only two of them and one is your daughter too makes it different than my experience. There isn't as much going on in terms of a busy group of multiple preschoolers. I'd be inclined to talk to her parents and just let them know your observations. If they are open to suggestions, ask them to make a point of not jumping at the slightest thing at home, even if there doesn't seem to be a reason to say no or delay helping. Ask them to refuse to help her at times to force her to face a situation independently. I'm not saying neglect her when she needs them but to set some clear boundaries on when she really does need adult support, and when it is a good opportunity for her to develop her independent skills in a safe and healthy manner. It seems like this may have been inhibited by the AP approach these parents are taking and this is how it is showing. At her age I wouldn't be super worried, but I would definitely be working hard to correct this but if her parents aren't then it will be a huge struggle. Poor kid

[Lee-Bee]

I have an AP child who has huge problems playing alone. He is fine in the group because they are a very busy group of boys and he goes with the flow. He is very good at imaginary play. When he is dropped off first, he is at a loss what to do and regularly ends up crying. He has been here for 18 mths and is 2 1/2. My kids have babysat him at home because his parents needed to get housework done and he isn't able to amuse himself independently. I think the AP has something to do with it in my case, although the principals of AP say a child won't struggle with becoming independent although Attachment parenting has many variables depending on the parents. I think to generalize the AP approach is not fair, as everyone has their own approach to AP, but I definitely see a pattern with AP kids in this area.

Maybe because there is only two of them and one is your daughter too makes it different than my experience. There isn't as much going on in terms of a busy group of multiple preschoolers. I'd be inclined to talk to her parents and just let them know your observations. If they are open to suggestions, ask them to make a point of not jumping at the slightest thing at home, even if there doesn't seem to be a reason to say no or delay helping. Ask them to refuse to help her at times to force her to face a situation independently. I'm not saying neglect her when she needs them but to set some clear boundaries on when she really does need adult support, and when it is a good opportunity for her to develop her independent skills in a safe and healthy manner. It seems like this may have been inhibited by the AP approach these parents are taking and this is how it is showing. At her age I wouldn't be super worried, but I would definitely be working hard to correct this but if her parents aren't then it will be a huge struggle. Poor kid

I have nothing against AP and used a fair amount of the AP approach with our daughter. I do believe, and have stated this before, that there is a strong difference between AP and parenting in a manner that means never saying no, never setting a limit and never letting a child whimper. But I won't go into my rant on that!

Sadly talking to the parents will not help matters. I am still trying to point out that letting their child get only 7 hours of sleep in a day is not in the child's best interest and that the child may sleep more if getting out of bed for more snacks and more Netflix isn't an option every evening until 11pm when mom finally goes to bed with the child. She still only naps in the car or being rocked for them because she was never taught how to lie down and sleep. But, mom doesn't like the child crying and mom doesn't set limits (as in it is bedtime you need to stay in bed). Telling her to not carry the child around, or make the child go play on her own when the child doesn't want to is just not going to happen. It is not worth approaching because I already try to nudge on the sleep front because I know how much the child needs to sleep.

This is why I am trying to find out if this is normal...if this is related to home's approach or if it is child specific and I can somehow help on my end. I am not bashing AP parenting. I am trying to find out if this is related to it or if this is of concern or not so I know how to approach it on my end!

[bright sparks]

I have nothing against AP and used a fair amount of the AP approach with our daughter. I do believe, and have stated this before, that there is a strong difference between AP and parenting in a manner that means never saying no, never setting a limit and never letting a child whimper. But I won't go into my rant on that!

Sadly talking to the parents will not help matters. I am still trying to point out that letting their child get only 7 hours of sleep in a day is not in the child's best interest and that the child may sleep more if getting out of bed for more snacks and more Netflix isn't an option every evening until 11pm when mom finally goes to bed with the child. She still only naps in the car or being rocked for them because she was never taught how to lie down and sleep. But, mom doesn't like the child crying and mom doesn't set limits (as in it is bedtime you need to stay in bed). Telling her to not carry the child around, or make the child go play on her own when the child doesn't want to is just not going to happen. It is not worth approaching because I already try to nudge on the sleep front because I know how much the child needs to sleep.

This is why I am trying to find out if this is normal...if this is related to home's approach or if it is child specific and I can somehow help on my end. I am not bashing AP parenting. I am trying to find out if this is related to it or if this is of concern or not so I know how to approach it on my end!

I'm not sure if you are going to find a clear answer. To find out if something is "normal" is really difficult. Normal as a generalization, I'd say no, but I think it's a foolish guess given that I don't know this child and haven't observed them. You know this child so I'd go with what you see as the norm. I think most kids are able to play independently at this age at least on some scale allowing for variances in personality type and parenting style used at home, and I do think the parenting style you just described is likely the cause at least for the most part. It may simply be something this child grows out of, most likely to be honest, and AP really doesn't have anything to do with it in my opinion. Just what you described in your last post doesn't really mesh with AP principals regardless of my opinion of the parenting style. Sounds like maybe they have created some of this issues at first with clingy parenting/hip baby/oversensitive response to needs and excessive pacifying, and now don't want the headache of correcting the behaviour so continue to pacify her.

Can't imagine there is much you can do to help given the extremes that are happening at home. Normal is never a word I use. Even on a scale of "norm" to establish if a child is on track with developmental milestones is no longer proving useful. Kids are changing at a rapid rate from this generation to the last and I find more and more kids are breaking from this out of date "norm" standard currently in place. I have had kids scream many symptoms of being on the spectrum with numerous delays and it has turned out to be a product of circumstance and how they are nurtured at home, not an actual developmental delay which has gradually rectified once in school, not without repercussions I'm sure. Nature vs Nurture maybe....this is a tricky situation to be in to be able to help the child. Good Luck

[bright sparks]

I have nothing against AP and used a fair amount of the AP approach with our daughter. I do believe, and have stated this before, that there is a strong difference between AP and parenting in a manner that means never saying no, never setting a limit and never letting a child whimper. But I won't go into my rant on that!

Sadly talking to the parents will not help matters. I am still trying to point out that letting their child get only 7 hours of sleep in a day is not in the child's best interest and that the child may sleep more if getting out of bed for more snacks and more Netflix isn't an option every evening until 11pm when mom finally goes to bed with the child. She still only naps in the car or being rocked for them because she was never taught how to lie down and sleep. But, mom doesn't like the child crying and mom doesn't set limits (as in it is bedtime you need to stay in bed). Telling her to not carry the child around, or make the child go play on her own when the child doesn't want to is just not going to happen. It is not worth approaching because I already try to nudge on the sleep front because I know how much the child needs to sleep.

This is why I am trying to find out if this is normal...if this is related to home's approach or if it is child specific and I can somehow help on my end. I am not bashing AP parenting. I am trying to find out if this is related to it or if this is of concern or not so I know how to approach it on my end!

BTW, I wasn't implying you had anything against AP or were bashing them. It was more with respect to babydoms comments about an AP child having the inability to be independent...or something along those lines... which is a common misconception and is not actually the case. It's more a reflection of how AP is carried out and I still stand firm that many people don't choose AP and do their research to make it a healthy parenting style, but use it as an excuse for pacifying their child and being lazy...yes that is right, I said it lol

[Lee-Bee]

BTW, I wasn't implying you had anything against AP or were bashing them. It was more with respect to babydoms comments about an AP child having the inability to be independent...or something along those lines... which is a common misconception and is not actually the case. It's more a reflection of how AP is carried out and I still stand firm that many people don't choose AP and do their research to make it a healthy parenting style, but use it as an excuse for pacifying their child and being lazy...yes that is right, I said it lol

You said it...I think it and see it all the time! I do believe that AP can be great...but I don't know that I ever really see it in action how it was meant to be. The variations of what I see are what you describe (ever so eloquently) and it does bother me as they call it AP, giving AP a bad rap.

Anywyas...my post wasn't really about 'AP' but I did put it in there as I wanted to know if others were finding the same with their families that practice AP. Clearly they are as I've yet to say their AP children are able to play easily on their own. In which case I will just continue on as is and hope that with more and more time free play will start to come naturally.

I totally understand the dislike of the word 'normal' and that is why I usually put it in quotes. There is no normal when it comes to people, especially children but I just use it to get my question across...'typical' 'average' 'acceptable' any of those words can kind of be used as well. Basically should I be concerned with the lack of play at this age or not! I don't want to just wait until she is 4 and going off to school to realize there were some big red flags I didn't try to help address and should have!

She is a great kid and her family loves her dearly. They drive me bonkers with how they do things but what they do at home is up to them, I offer advice when it is asked but otherwise try to keep out of it. It is up to me to decide if their way of doing things makes them a poor match for me. So far it doesn't as the child has adapted enough to work with us here. She naps 1.5-2hrs a day and most days begs me to go up to bed hours before nap time as she knows she will get a good nap in and feel better. She is capable of a lot, if the adults around her have the expectations that she can.

[Fun&care]

Sadly talking to the parents will not help matters. I am still trying to point out that letting their child get only 7 hours of sleep in a day is not in the child's best interest and that the child may sleep more if getting out of bed for more snacks and more Netflix isn't an option every evening until 11pm when mom finally goes to bed with the child.

There is your problem right there!!!! How can a child be expected to develop normally while only getting 7 hours of sleep at night when the range for this age is usually 10-12 hours?!?! It's no wonder the kid isn't playing, she is exhausted!

As for AP.... I did AP with my own kids and they never had any problem playing independently but I think that's because I expected them to. They knew from a young age that if mommy was busy you went and played alone for a bit.

But some parents do take AP a little too far and do anything and everything for their child and just never let them develop any independence whatsoever. It's rampant in this day and age in my experidence at least...ppl just go overboard and "sMother" their kids, I've had so many clients like this. It often does result in a lack of independence even though it's supposed to make kids MORE independent. I should say, too, that ive had a few clients who were following AP but didn't even know it so really, you don't even need the AP label.

But seriously though...something needs to change in the sleep department...I'm sure you would see huge improvement.